You found porn on your man’s computer and immediately think the worst. Before you jump to conclusions, check out the science behind men and porn.
Think about life before the internet. The only pornography that was available was sitting in the side room of the VCR rental store. It was the place men would saunter in and out of, trying not to be detected. If a boy was lucky enough, his dad would have a personal collection that was accessible only through being sneaky.
Pornography has been a source of contention between couples for as far back as print magazines have made their way into dime stores and peep shows into seedy parts of town, but never before has it been so easy to find and watch.
If they say they don’t watch, research says they do
Studies have shown that, of the pornography viewed, 90% of it is seen online, while the other 10% is from old-fashioned DVDs. In addition, single men watched an average of 40 minutes as many as three times per week, while those who are in a committed relationship watched an average of 1.5 times per week, for approximately 20 minutes. Take heart, though: if you are worried about finding your man watching porn, the same study concluded that it had no negative effect on guys at all. [Check out: 10 good reasons why women should watch porn]
There is nothing that can spark a fight more than a woman finding porn on a guy’s computer or smart phone. Although different in every relationship, there are many women who feel that it is a betrayal, or that guys do it because they want something different than what they have. The truth is that guys can’t help themselves—literally.
We have all heard the argument, “The devil made me do it,” but when it comes to guys and porn, nature made them do it. It isn’t that a guy is trying to disrespect you or that he doesn’t find you attractive—guys literally can’t help themselves. They are wired to seek out sexual variety.
Survival of the species rests in… porn?
Studies on laboratory rats show that a rat will copulate with the same female for only so long. After a while, the male rat is no longer interested. No matter what the female does to entice him, the male rat will not engage. When researchers drop in a new female, however, the male rat can’t help himself. He is instantly overcome with lust.
Evolution in a man’s brain is wired for something called the “Coolidge Effect.” It is an automatic drive in males that not only desires variety, but seeks to procreate with new females and to spread as much sperm as possible. [Read: 10 popular moves from porn that guys do but women hate]
Porn is a way that a man is able to fantasize about new experiences. They were created to spread their genes to as many female mates as possible to carry on the human species. It is not an excuse, but basic brain chemistry. The reason why they desire other women is not that they don’t love the woman that they are with, respect her, or even adore her.
Watching porn, for a man, has nothing to do with an emotional connection, or the way that he feels about the woman he is with. Sure, having more sex in their lives may curb their porn needs, but even in the most abundant sexual relationship, a man will search out pornography when available.
Pornography is like a drug—literally
Men are very visual creatures, and they respond to images much more quickly and with more fervor than women do. Watching sexually explicit material causes a man’s brain to release something called dopamine. It is a chemical that gives a man the same sensation as an opiate, or drug. For evolutionary purposes, a guy’s sole purpose is to copulate and spread his sperm, so watching and imagining sex conjures dopamine and drives him to watch porn, even if it upsets his partner.
If you think that he is doing it because he is no longer interested in you, that isn’t the case. If you think that he is bored with your sex life, he may or may not be, but that likely has nothing to do with him watching pornographic movies. The true judge of your sexual relationship has nothing to do with how many times he is watching porn, but is about the satisfaction you are both receiving from your sexual encounters. [Try: How do the ladies like their pornography?]
Turning a negative into a positive: why do men watch porn
The key to turning his love for watching porn into a positive for your relationship, instead of a negative, is to not see it as a competition. The truth is that every guy watches porn, whether you allow him to, want him to, or hate him for it. If you get mad, he will probably just sneak it in when you aren’t around, and it is going to create a lot of tension in your relationship. He isn’t watching it to hurt you, or to upset you. In fact, if he could stop wanting to watch it, it would probably make both of you happier.
You can’t inject your own feelings and behaviors into his. Research has shown that relationships are better when you are open and honest about how you both feel, what you do in private, and what turns you on. Maybe the next time you catch him watching porn, you can suggest making your own tape.
The next time he needs an imagery fix, he can watch you both in action, instead of strangers. The more open you are to creating his desire for dopamine triggers and imagery, the less he will seek it out elsewhere.
It hurts to find your man wanting to see other women
It is not a fun thing to open up your significant other’s mobile device to see that he has been watching other women, even when it is random strangers. Confused and offended, you likely thought, “Why am I not enough?” What you need to realize is that you are enough. If he didn’t want to be with you, he would be with someone else.
Opening his mobile device to see text messages from another woman, or his arms around someone else is a betrayal. Finding that he has engaged in peeping into the sessions of another guy’s sexual encounter—or sometimes many participants—says nothing about your relationship. [Check out: 10 reasons lesbian porn is way hotter than straight porn]
Pornography used to be something that a man could only get his hands on when he had the nerve to rent a movie, but it is everywhere now. Accessible day and night, it is like having drugs on every corner—and free. The problem is that things aren’t going to change, nor can you change your man. If there is one thing that is certain in every relationship, it is this: you are both who you are, you have your desires, and you aren’t going to be able to stop his urges through beating him up about it.
If you explain to him in a rational tone that it hurts your feelings or makes you feel insecure, he ought to have no problem keeping his activities hidden and making sure not to hurt you by watching it out in the open. There are times in a relationship when you have to pick your battles, and you have to decide for yourself whether this is a worthy battle to wage.
Just to be clear: if he has a porn addiction, or is watching it all the time and disregarding your feelings, that is not okay. There needs to be some level of respect. He shouldn’t have to hide his need, but you shouldn’t be made to feel second best. [Read: 5 signs you’re addicted to porn and 15 ways to get over it!]
Before you make the assumption that his extracurricular spectator activity has anything to do with you, take a hard look at the health of your relationship, and your own understanding of why men watch porn.
[Next, read: Why men watch porn instead of their woman in bed]
Why do men watch porn? The reasons are vast. If the relationship is going well, there is no reason to suspect that his desire to watch sex online has anything to do with you or your relationship. Be open, be honest, and work through it together, trying not be defensive. His love of porn has nothing to do with his love for you—period.
