Breakups are hard for everyone involved. If you want to let him go without causing him too much pain, here’s how to break up with him, nicely.
I’ve had my fair share of breakups. Actually, I broke off five of the six longer term relationships I have been in, and let me tell you, it sucks. That being said, I have experience on how to break up with him and cause the least amount of pain possible.
Even when I knew I didn’t want to pursue anything more with them and wanted to move on, causing them pain hurt me too. I know, I know. It’s hard to feel bad for the person who’s doing the heart breaking. But I still cared about them and didn’t want to see them hurting.
How to break up with him: Break it to him gently, ladies
Some people feel like starting a huge fight is the best way to start the act of breaking up with someone, because it’s easier to do the deed when you’re angry. But that only causes more pain on their end and nobody wants that.
Guys have a tendency to use anger as their forefront emotion. Especially before sadness results in crying. If you want to avoid their wrath and learn how to break up with him the nice way, these are the different ways to go about it. Just remember, everyone is different and everyone takes bad news in their own way.
#1 Don’t start a fight first. Starting a fight as a means to transition into a breakup is only going to make things that much worse. Sure, you might think that it’ll be much easier to break up with someone when you’re mad at them because then it takes your pain away. But it’s wrong.
This is especially mean if the thing you’re fighting about has nothing to do with why you’re ending the relationship. You’ll get them all wound up and angry. Then hit them with something causing them pain. That’s a recipe for disaster. [Read: How to break up with someone you love]
#2 Do it in person. Gone are the days of breaking up via phone call or text message. You need to do it in person if you have any sliver of respect for your *soon-to-be former* partner. Breaking up with them in person allows them the opportunity to let out their thoughts and feelings too.
Plus, doing it over the phone doesn’t give you enough time to explain how you’re feeling, nor does it show them how you feel, either. If you want to break up with him the nice way, do it in person.
#3 Make time for a lengthy discussion. Don’t break up with them when you have a total of 10 minutes to spend before you have to be out the door for work or some other important commitment. Allow an entire afternoon for the onslaught of all a breakup brings to the table.
It’s disrespectful to drop something like that on a person and then rush out the door without giving them the time they need to cope and ask you questions.
#4 Don’t blame them in any way. Pointing fingers is definitely the WRONG way to break up with someone. Even though they are to blame for you not being happy in a relationship, never make it about them because it causes them the most pain. [Read: 15 of the worst things you can say during a breakup]
I don’t want you to use the old, “it’s not you, it’s me,” speech on them, but that’s basically what you have to convey without using that tired phase. Make it about your unhappiness and your desires changing and they’ll feel less at pain. And at the end of the day—if they really care about you—they just want you to be happy.
#5 Don’t beat around the bush—get right to it. Don’t set up the breakup with a long, boring speech about how people your age need to explore and all that junk he really doesn’t care about. Breaking up with him the nice way means you get right to the point.
It’s always best to be open and honest and just get down to the nitty gritty of it all. This takes all the guesswork out of the whole speech you’re giving. And it minimizes their anxiety about it.
#6 Have a specific reason and stick to a major one. They’re going to want an explanation for why you want to leave them, which is fair in a breakup. But don’t give them 20 different things that have gone wrong. But also don’t give them such a broad reason that it doesn’t make any sense.
I’m not happy is a good reason to break up with someone, but give them more than that. This gives them more closure than just giving a broad reason and letting their imagination fill in the rest. Even if they don’t accept that reason at first, stick with it. [Read: How to break up when your partner doesn’t want to]
#7 Be sensitive. They’re going to be hurt. This feeling might manifest itself in a number of other emotions so just be sensitive to that. If they start yelling and getting mad, try not to act out. Just be there for them.
Breaking up with someone and dismissing their feelings or showing that you don’t care is a fast way to make them mad and hurt them even more. In order to break up with him the nice way, put yourself in his shoes and understand how he’s feeling.
#8 Ask them how they feel about your reasons. It might seem like a bad idea to ask them how they feel about your reason for leaving them, but think about it for a minute. If you ask them how they feel about it, it forces them to think from your perspective.
They put themselves in your shoes and sometimes they’ll even agree that parting ways is the best solution. If not, at least you gave them the chance to tell you how they feel about it, giving them more closure and helping them heal. [Read: 16 clear signs you should break up with your boyfriend]
#9 Don’t say you can be friends. At least not at first. While they might want to maintain contact and keep you around, it’s only going to hurt them more and take them longer to heal and move on. This might seem like the nice thing to do, but it’s actually not.
If they ask if you can still be friends, just tell them, “maybe someday.” Explain how you feel it would be best to take time apart in order to sort out your feelings, then maybe once it has all passed you can be friends. This gives them a sense of relief without giving them false hope. [Read: 7 reasons why staying friends with your ex doesn’t work]
#10 Let them be hurt. This is the most important thing you have to do in order to break up with him the nice way. Allow him to be hurt. He’s going to be mad, sad, resentful, and a whole slew of other emotions. But you need to let him feel those things without interfering. This means you need to shut down contact with him for a while until the breakup phase has passed.
[Read: How to end a long-term relationship like a grown-up]
Breaking up with someone is never easy—for either party. But in order to make the breakup smoother and easier for him, following these 10 ways to break up with him the nice way is sure to make the transition better for everyone.
