Believe me, it’s definitely not you, it’s him! Learn how to recognize and deal with the narcissistic boyfriend who has stolen your heart.
Are you dealing with a narcissistic boyfriend and wondering what to do?
Love is a complicated thing. We all hope to be swept off our feet by prince charming, falling into a perfect relationship. But the reality of love is rarely that straightforward and never as clean and simple as it seems in the movies. Unfortunately, there will be no prince arriving on your doorstep to whisk you off to a better life *which is a major bummer*.
Real relationships are wonderful. But they also take work, empathy, compromise, and communication. And if your boyfriend is a narcissist, these critical relationship building blocks are almost impossible. [Read: 16 clear signs you’re in a narcissistic relationship]
What is a narcissist?
You’ve probably heard the word ‘narcissist’ over the last couple of years or so, and it tends to be tossed around liberally. Some people call anyone they don’t like a narcissist, so it can be difficult to determine what the word actually means.
Narcissism is actually a personality disorder. This mental condition presents itself as extreme self involvement, a pathological need for praise, entitlement, an aggrandized view of oneself, and an inability to empathize with others. This personality disorder exists in degrees, and requires a mental health professional to diagnose.
Because it exists on a spectrum, you cannot say “all narcissists do this or that.” However, it is generally true that narcissists struggle with interpersonal relationships, especially romantic relationships.
The narcissistic boyfriend
A narcissist’s entitlement and inability to empathize makes them terrible partners. A narcissist never admits to wrongdoing, and they’re likely to spend their hours gazing in a mirror adoring their reflection. Narcissism is more than just arrogance or pride, it is a pathological belief that they are simply better and deserve to be treated as such. [Read: How to quickly spot narcissistic traits in a relationship]
So when a narcissistic boyfriend blows into your life, you are in for a bad time. At first you may be drawn in by what you perceive as confidence. The narcissist can switch on the charm for a while, and may even “love-bomb”– which is wooing a potential partner with over the top gifts and proclamations of love.
But love-bombing is not love, and a narcissist can never love anyone more than themselves. The truth is that narcissism comes with a crippling self doubt and insecurity, ironically causing the narcissist to be both needy and entitled. They will put you down while simultaneously demanding praise, they will berate you for flirting with others and then cheat on you. When you catch them, they will twist the situation until it’s somehow your fault.
The narcissist cannot accept blame or take accountability for their actions, and no one can maintain a healthy relationship with a boyfriend like that. If all of this sounds familiar to you, you might be dating a narcissist. [Read: The 20 right reasons to walk away from someone you love]
Why you will think he is Mr. Perfect
Narcissistic boyfriends do not display their abusive tendencies at first. If they did, no one would stick around long enough to become their girlfriend. If you feel that you have been duped by a narcissist, don’t be too hard on yourself. They are master manipulators, eroding your defenses over time.
You won’t likely won’t even realize he is a narcissist until it’s too late. Instead, you will think it’s your fault. Why? Because he will make you think that way. This emotional abuse technique is called “gaslighting” and it is a favorite among manipulative, narcissistic boyfriends.
Gaslighting is the act of manipulating someone into actually wondering if everything is their fault, sometimes outright lying. The goal is to make the victim question their own reality and perception.
Fun fact, the term comes from an old black and white movie where the husband tries to make his wife think she is insane by constantly changing the brightness of the gas lights in their hallway. [Read: The signs your lover is gaslighting and messing with your mind]
Not sure if your boyfriend is a narcissist?
As previously stated, narcissism is a personality disorder. Just because your boyfriend is selfish or arrogant, doesn’t necessarily mean he is a narcissist *though those attributes are perfectly reasonable reasons to dump them anyways.*
Only a mental health professional can diagnose a personality disorder. But a good test is this: How does your relationship with your boyfriend make you feel?
Do you find that your boyfriend always puts you down? Always yelling at you, scolding you, blaming you, and generally making you feel like shit? That’s not love. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel bad. Love isn’t supposed to hurt your feelings.
If your boyfriend makes you feel bad, it doesn’t matter if he is a narcissist or not. All that matters is that you kick him to the curb and find someone who can love you the way you deserve.
Feeling like you can’t move on
Ending a relationship with anyone is hard. It is especially hard with a narcissist. Because you believe you have seen their good side, you want so badly for them to change and to understand that they are hurting you.
The problem with that is narcissists don’t empathize. They have a set of rules for how others are supposed to treat them, and a different set of rules for how they treat others. In short, your narcissist boyfriend knows that his behavior hurts you. He just doesn’t care.
This is where your friends and family come in. Listen to them. They’re not criticizing your boyfriend because they don’t like him, or just to be mean. They’re telling you because they can see what you can’t.
You might even have a nagging feeling from time to time, but he’ll rope you back, because he can sense you’re on the brink of leaving. [Read: Hoovering and the games narcissists play to suck you back in]
Read on to learn how to break the cycle and ditch your narcissist boyfriend for good.
Break the cycle
Once you realize what you’re dealing with, you need to be brave. While there are many treatments for narcissism, the truth is that those who suffer from it often don’t believe there is anything wrong with them and are unlikely to seek treatment.
If you have a narcissistic boyfriend, the best thing you can do is walk away. Break that cycle and realize that you do deserve better.
How do you break the cycle? You cut them off. Walk away, take your things, delete that number, block them on every social media outlet you have, and do not go back.
That is going to be the hardest and most important part– do not go back. [Read: How to set boundaries with a narcissist and weaken their hold over you]
Immediately after, you will start to regret it and wonder if you did the right thing. You’ll lay awake at night, but you are in the right here. Get a friend to steer you through those first couple of days to a week or even a month, and as your strength grows, the sense will come to you and the clouds will clear.
Cut them off
– Delete his number
– Block him on social media
– If you have friends who might help him find you, cut them off too
– Keep your boundaries and do not listen to his begging or insults as you walk away *they will come, especially when he realizes you serious*
– Do not give him any way to find you
That is how you cut off a narcissistic boyfriend. It might sound brutal, but there is a high likelihood that your narcissistic boyfriend will react badly to being dumped, and you need to get yourself out of harms way.
After all, narcissists cannot handle any criticism. Your now ex may try to win you back, and then he might resort to threats or even violence. While not every narcissist is violent, you need to protect yourself from this possibility. Cut them off, and don’t look back. [Read: How to get a narcissist to walk away from you using the grey rock method]
Talk it out (with someone else)
If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for a long time, you have likely downplayed their terrible behavior to friends and family. Or maybe you haven’t, and you have been broadcasting your miserable relationship for all to hear.
Either way, now is the time to talk it out with a close friend, or even better, a therapist. While you are ignoring your narcissistic now-ex boyfriend, discuss the whole terrible relationship with someone you can trust. By laying it all out without your ex to cloud your vision, you can finally see your relationship for what it was: terrible. [Read: 16 signs of narcissistic abuse you may have overlooked]
Have hope for a better future without your narcissistic boyfriend
A breakup with someone who is bad for you is still a breakup. After you cut off your narcissistic boyfriend, you are likely to feel lonely, lost and confused. You may question if you did the right thing. You may wonder why doing the right thing feels so bad.
In order to heal, you have to have hope. It feels bad now, but it won’t forever, and it would feel a lot worse to waste more time pouring love into someone who is incapable of loving you back the same way. Hope for a better future, and it will come. [Read: Feeling unappreciated? 31 satisfying quotes to empower you to move on]
Forgive yourself
When you are in a relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend, there is a lot of blame. They will blame you for everything. If you catch them texting their ex, they’ll twist it around to make you the bad guy for going through their phone. Suddenly you are begging for forgiveness for being cheated on.
When you finally get away from your ex, you will probably continue that cycle. You’ll blame yourself for the relationship, blame yourself for not ending it sooner, etc. If you take nothing else away from this list, know this– blaming yourself is only going to make the situation worse. You must forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself for falling in love with your ex and putting up with their bad behavior, no matter how atrocious. Try to remember that you were wronged, and you are not at fault for falling in love with the wrong person.
Think of this relationship as a lesson, not a failure or a mistake. You learned a lot about yourself and about what to not put up with in the future. [Read: How to break up with a narcissist]
A tricky subject with a happy ending
When your narcissistic partner is begging you to take them back, they will likely promise to change. This can be tempting, but please, do not fall for that trap. The truth is that your narcissistic boyfriend will say anything to get you back into their clutches, and it’s all a lie. [Read: 11 counterblows to hurt a narcissist hard]
You deserve to find happiness with someone who loves and respects you. That will never happen with a narcissist. So, as difficult as it may seem, you need to break the cycle. Move on with your life, and soon you will wonder why on earth you put up with that behavior for as long as you did.
[Read: Early warning signs of a bad boyfriend to watch out for]
So, to answer the question, how do you deal with a narcissistic boyfriend? You dig deep and you leave him. Lovely lady, you deserve so much better.
