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Sexual Compatibility: All The Signs to Tell if You’re Both Hot in Bed or Incompatible!

Do you and your partner have sexual compatibility? Or do you both have two different styles? Learn all about this and what you can do.

sexual compatibility

Everyone either has a vagina or a penis, so how could people be sexually incompatible? But sexual compatibility isn’t as easy to achieve as you think.

Sex is similar to matching a lock with a key. Not all locks and keys match even though they may look like they should. Everyone is physically different and enjoys different things in bed. 

Does this make them bad in bed? No, all it shows is this person isn’t sexually compatible with you.

Now, this may or may not be a surprise to you. Most likely, when you start any new relationship, you’re in that wonderful, loved-up honeymoon phase.

Everything feels dreamy, you’re floating on air, and you can’t quite believe your luck. Well, that’s how it’s supposed to be unless you’re dealing with sexual incompatibility. [Read: 10 signs the honeymoon stage of your relationship is over]

So, what happens when that floaty, dreamy feeling starts to fade because things just aren’t gelling in the bedroom?

Sexual incompatibility happens, people. It’s far more common than you might think.

We assume that when we meet someone and are attracted to them, it’s going to be easy sailing. Horizontal bedroom dancing ensues, and you can’t keep your hands off each other. But that’s only if you’re sexually compatible.

[Read: Perfectly sexually compatible? 13 signs to know for sure]

What is sexual compatibility?

There are many different kinds of compatibility, and the sexual kind is very important to any romantic relationship. But what does that actually mean? Here are some things that make two people sexually compatible.

1. You have the same expectations about sex

If one person wants to have sex three times a day, and one person wants it three times a month *or year*, then they are not compatible.

Maybe sex makes one feel loved and desired, but for the other, it’s just a physical act or even a chore. Both people need to have the same expectations surrounding sex.

2. You like the same kind of sex

Some people are quite vanilla when it comes to sex. They like traditional positions and don’t like to get very adventurous.

While other people are wild and crazy and like to try new things like BDSM. So, you both have to be on the same page about the kind of sex you like to have. [Read: Vanilla sex – what it is, 12 hot ways to go from boring to OMFG in bed]

3. You can communicate about sexual needs

If one of you is touching somewhere and it doesn’t feel good, you are comfortable letting your partner know. Or, if you feel like you want to have sex a little more often, you don’t feel scared to tell them. You can talk about your sexual needs and neither of you gets offended.

4. You both focus on pleasing each other

Selfish lovers are no fun to be with. So, to be sexually compatible, you have to both focus on fulfilling each other’s needs. If one of you takes longer to orgasm than the other, then it’s not a problem. Both of you want to please the other person and put in the effort to do so.

How important is sexual compatibility?

Some people have very high sex drives, while others don’t. So, if someone has a deep desire for sex and a physical connection with their partner, then sexual compatibility is very important to them. [Read: How to open up about sex and get your partner to share their desires]

However, if someone has a low drive, then sex isn’t much of a priority to them. Ideally, you want to look for someone who matches your sex drive. Having two people with a high sex drive or two people with a low sex drive works the best.

So, to answer the question, sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. In fact, it can make or break the whole partnership and can be one of the reasons the relationship comes to an end.

Now that you know the definition of sexual compatibility and how important it is, let’s look at some signs that you actually do have sexual compatibility with your partner. [Read: Top 50 kinky sex ideas worth trying at least once in your lifetime]

15 signs of sexual compatibility

Let’s be straight here. Being in a relationship doesn’t just have to be about all that emotional connection BS. Of course, sexual compatibility has something to do with where the relationship is going. 

Being sexually aligned with someone is important to having a satisfying *if not mind-blowing* sex life, which also significantly contributes to a satisfying love life.

To help you figure out once and for all, if you and your partner have that sexual chemistry, take a look at these 15 signs. [Read: How to have sex in a car – a steamy guide on what to do and not to do]

1. Synced drives

Sex drives, that is. If you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to when, how often, and how long you want to have sex, then you’re one sexually compatible couple.

When the two of you always feel horny at the same time, are easily aroused with each other during the same circumstances, and crave sex at roughly the same times in a week, then you’re in good hands. 

Neither of you feels like begging for, nor are being forced to, have sex and this is a great sign. [Read: I want to have sex with you: 15 ways to seduce without words]

2. Enjoying the same things

So, you have the same hobbies, but when it comes to bondage, your partner abhors it terribly. That isn’t sexual compatibility. When it comes to bed, a sexually compatible couple is into the same kinks in bed *or not*.

The two of you are willing and open to trying out some BDSM-like fantasies or the other. And even if you’re both vanilla, that’s fine too. The important thing is you both enjoy the same things in bed.

3. Great communication

You have some sort of ESP with each other when it comes to things in the bedroom. And this isn’t just about your moans and groans while grinding. [Read: Handkerchief code – how to communicate sexual desires with a hanky]

It’s actually more about how you both understand each other as you express yourselves sexually through words or body language.

 Case in point: sexting. Are you both enjoying the level of naughtiness you send each other through text? That’s one good clue.

4. Sex value

This is when you have the same views on how important sex is in the relationship. When, for example, your partner doesn’t value the role of sex in your relationship the same way that you do, your partner will not make the same effort in making the deed special, or at least more than plain “f*cking.”

This means your partner makes time for it, prepares for it, takes out the champagne and strawberries once in a while, and just makes sure that you also cum. [Read: Using sex as a bargaining tool: Why it’s a terrible idea]

5. Sexual kindness

Both of you are willing to give as much as you receive. This means you care about your partner’s sexual satisfaction as much as your own. 

You pleasure each other because it ups your libido too, in a way. And if ever your partner is not satisfied with your round, then you at least make up for it the next time.

Best of all, you don’t use sex as ammunition for your battle for control or dominance in the relationship. [Read: How to get a selfish lover to be more giving in bed]

6. Let’s talk about anatomy

Sexual chemistry is also about sexual anatomy. How you fit together physically *too small, too big, too wide, too tight, too tall, too short, etc.* plays a big role in how compatible you are in bed. 

If you don’t fit well and keep having awkward, uncomfortable, and even painful positions, then sex becomes something you dread or are embarrassed about. However, if things just feel physically perfect, then yay!

7. Stage fright, anyone? 

Being in bed with someone feels like a performance sometimes, but the thing is, you’re not hung up on the “performance” of it all. Otherwise, it just becomes a chore, a goal, an obligation. [Read: 18 Secrets to relax during sex, free your mind, and enjoy a blissful orgasm]

Numbers, whether your partner came, etc. shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all of why you’re doing it. While orgasm is something you’d like to have for yourself and for your partner, it shouldn’t stress you out that either one of you didn’t come.

8. Compromise

Yes, eerily like a relationship, sexual compatibility is also about compromise. Even if the two of you don’t entirely have the same preferences when it comes to how you want to receive head or how you want to be spanked, both of you at least settle on compromises.

When it comes to your libidos, or level of experimentation, respecting what your partner is comfortable with and vice versa results in better sexual chemistry. [Read: Naughty is nice: The couple’s guide to erotic spanking]

9. Level of commitment

You have the same views when it comes to who you want to sleep with, like if you want to sleep with other people or would prefer to keep things monogamous. 

At least you’re honest about each other and have managed expectations out of the relationship. Aside from this, you also have similar definitions of what you call exclusive and cheating.

10. Only one

Now, if you have decided to be exclusive to each other, then a sign of sexual compatibility is you don’t imagine having sex with anyone else. [Read: 13 Ways to overcome sexual anxiety and perform]

Whether that’s a sign of true love or not, the thing is, you’re sexually compatible if you’re that satisfied. You want to keep doing it over and over, in any which way, with the same person.

11. Bed and beyond

You are satisfied with your life in the bedroom—and beyond. This means that you and your partner connect also on the same emotional level.

You have great, positive, and constructive communication and connection that goes beyond “Yes, oooh, yes!” and “I’m coming!” You actually understand each other and like each other’s company even without sex involved. [Read: 10 signs you’re dating your best friend and don’t know it]

12. Think it, be it

As with anything, if you believe you are sexually compatible, you are more likely to act as sexually compatible. Ergo, be actually sexually compatible. 

Sometimes, it’s really just a matter of mind over matter. It goes the other way too. Even if everything above checks out, but you still don’t believe in your chemistry in bed, then nothing will work.

13. It’s natural

Lastly, you know you’re sexually compatible if sex is effortless for both of you. You like the same things, you easily get turned on by each other, and you don’t get into awkwardly uncomfortable positions.

And you don’t feel disgusted or forced to do what you have to do. Simply put, being all over each other’s bodies is as natural as breathing, like you two are just made for each other. [Read: Sexual tension: 20 signs you’re in lustful overdrive]

14. You have the same kissing style

You probably know what this means. Some people are very slow kissers, and some are fast, sloppy wet kissers. Others use more tongue, and some never come up for a breath. 

So, if you are a bit off-put by the way your partner kisses, that’s not good. You should love kissing each other and be in sync.

15. You know each other’s sexy hints 

After you have been in a relationship for a while, you develop an unspoken language between you and your partner. And one of those languages is signals about sex. [Read: Hot, hot sex – how to turn up your sexual thermostat]

For example, if they sensually run their hand down your back after dinner, tap on your knee after watching a movie, or give you a wink, then you know they are down for sex. 

19 ways to know you’re sexually incompatible

If you read that list and thought, “that’s not me and my partner,” then you are not sexually compatible. So, what do you do when it is that way? What do you do when you can’t seem to communicate your sexual needs to your partner, or you don’t feel like you’re on the same page when it comes to fun times between the sheets?

Sexual incompatibility can be a hard thing to accept in a relationship. Of course, this isn’t something to decide right away. It takes time to understand your partner, and intimate relationships take work. [Read: The awkward signs you’re having bad sex with your lover]

The first couple of times you have sex may not be great, but with practice and as you continue to connect with your partner, it may become better. 

But, if you’ve done everything possible and the sex isn’t good, it could be you simply aren’t sexually compatible.

Sexual incompatibility can be a really upsetting thing to experience because it’s confusing. If you’ve never experienced it before, you might not understand why things are not going the way you feel they should, or why you feel uncomfortable. [Read: Some of the most awful and hilarious sexual encounters]

Understanding that there is nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with your partner is vital. It’s simply a challenge that you need to overcome together. It can be done!

To figure out whether sexual incompatibility might be a real thing in your relationship, check out these signs to look out for.

1. Understand, that no one is bad at sex

Before you point fingers at your partner for your unimpressive sex life, understand that no one is bad at sex. Of course, you can be selfish or uncaring, but no one is inherently bad at sex. 

Instead, everyone has experiences that are carried into their present sexual routine. [Read: 20 sexual problems in your relationship that can be easily avoided]

2. You don’t like your partner’s sexual preferences

We all enjoy different things when it comes to sex. Some people like BDSM, others enjoy foot jobs; when it comes to sex, there’s no formula everyone must follow. 

But if you find their sexual preferences disgusting and you’re unwilling to give them a try, it doesn’t sound like you are sexually compatible.

3. You avoid sex with them

You’re sick, tired from work, or have an exam in the morning. Whatever the excuse, you use it to avoid having sex with them. 

Of course, there are times when you’re not going to feel like having sex, but if this happens regularly, reflect on the state of your relationship. [Read: The 20 signs you should break up and throw in the towel] 

4. You don’t see sex as something necessary

The only thing dividing a romantic relationship from a friendship is physical intimacy. When two people are physically intimate, their relationship is on another level. 

But if you don’t see intimacy as something to be shared between you and your partner, that’s a problem. [Read: 15 signs you’re asexual and don’t like getting laid as much as others]

5. You’re turned off by their body

When you see your partner naked, you don’t fantasize about all the things you want to do with them. Instead, you look at their body in disgust. And this is a big problem. If you’re not sexually turned on by your partner’s body, that’s a sign you’re not sexually attracted to them.

6. You feel uncomfortable in many sexual positions

When having sex with your partner, every position seems uncomfortable. Everything feels like it’s too much, and honestly, you can’t wait for it to be over. If you were sexually compatible, there wouldn’t be this problem.

7. You fantasize about your past sexual relationships

If you’ve had other partners before, they slip into your mind while having sex with your current partner. And listen, if the sex was mind-blowing, that wouldn’t be happening.

But because you’re not enjoying it, your mind takes you down memory lane to the good ol’ times. [Read: Sexual chemistry – what it is, how it feels, 52 signs and ways to increase it]

8. You’re uncomfortable watching sex scenes

When you watch Netflix together, everything is fine until a sex scene comes on. And when it does, you quickly become uncomfortable, nervous to see if your partner will comment. 

You shouldn’t feel like that when these things happen because you wouldn’t feel like that if you felt secure in your sex life.

9. You talk about sex too much

Communication is great, and when it comes to sex, it’s crucial. But if you talk about it and nothing seems to improve, well, that’s also a bad sign. Communication should bring change. And if nothing changes, it’s time to change the partner.

10. Your sexual rhythm is off

Another sign that you don’t have sexual compatibility is that your rhythm is off. When having good sex, you will naturally find a cohesive rhythm. But with your partner, you can’t seem to find a steady pace. [Read: 12 real reasons why couples drift apart over time]

Listen, this doesn’t mean you’re sexually incompatible, but if you’ve already worked through communication issues, then this is probably the reason why.  

11. The kissing is off

Like way off. You don’t know why the kissing doesn’t feel good; they seem to be doing everything right. But there’s no spark, no chemistry. You’re not feeling like you’re kissing your partner. You feel like you’re kissing some random person — not a good sign of compatibility.

12. You feel uncomfortable after

After sex, there’s a long, uncomfortable silence. Oh god, can you say awkward? Listen, silence doesn’t have to be awkward, but after bad sex, silence is never a good thing.

If you can’t turn to your partner and honestly say, “Wow, that was amazing,” well, then it wasn’t. [Read: Bad sex advice you should never listen to]

13. You don’t orgasm

Many women struggle with achieving orgasm but will openly talk about it with their partner. However, if you have never had an orgasm, and cannot, for the life of you, seem to get one with your partner, that’s a bad sign that you don’t have sexual compatibility. Life is too short not to orgasm.

14. You value sex but your partner doesn’t, or vice versa

Sex just isn’t an important part of some people’s lives. For others, it’s a hugely important issue. If you’re someone who is very sexually charged and your partner isn’t, you could find that you have incompatibility issues.

It could also work the other way around. Perhaps you’re passive when it comes to sex, but your partner is the opposite. In that case, you might feel pressure or lack in some way. [Read: Identifying with grey asexuality in a world of sex]

There is no right or wrong when it comes to how much sex you should have. Everyone has their own preferences and it’s important to compromise and find a piece of middle ground that suits you both.

The best way to get around this particular sexual incompatibility issue, and probably the biggest of them all, is open communication. Talk about it, explain how you feel, and listen to the other person, taking their views seriously too.

Between you, you should be able to come to a compromise upon which you can build on. It’s also important to realize that sex drive fluctuates throughout the course of life too. [Read: 30 naughty questions that can help bring the sizzle back slowly]

Maybe it’s not something that is going to be long-term but may be causing you issues in the here and now.

15. You don’t like the sexual activities which your partner wants to try

This could be a big reason why you don’t have sexual compatibility too. Nobody should ever feel pressured into trying something they don’t want to do. It’s also important to listen to your partner’s desires and come to a conclusion on whether you feel comfortable with them or not.

Everyone has different tastes. You may love mint ice cream but your partner prefers lemon, we all like different things, and it’s the same in the bedroom. [Read: Hot sex ideas to blow your lover’s mind in bed]

Examine why you don’t feel interested in the things which your partner wants to try. See if you can try and change things a little to come to a suitable piece of middle ground for the two of you. 

For instance, if your partner wants to try a threesome but you’re dead against it, why not suggest role play, such as pretending to be strangers? In that case, you’re both getting a little of what you want.

16. Either you or your partner finds sex to be awkward and embarrassing

Not everyone finds sex arousing, some people find it downright icky. If that’s you or your partner, figure out why you feel that way. [Read: Floppies and 10 awkward things that happen during sex]

Sex is a basic human need. Something which we all have the right to enjoy, but it’s also a special way for two people who love each other to connect on a deep level.

If you feel embarrassed or awkward when you watch a sex scene in a movie, or you just can’t communicate with your partner about the subject, take baby steps.

Explain to your partner that you feel this way, and with their support, you can try and knock down your barriers. This will allow you to slowly develop more confidence in your own sexuality. Baby steps are the way forward! [Read: Prude and proud of it – 20 signs you’re prudish and awkward about sex]

17. You love your partner but you just don’t find them sexually attractive anymore

Everyone goes through changes. If you find your partner’s body less than desirable these days, it might be causing you to develop a certain type of sexual incompatibility.

Of course, it’s vital to understand that the way someone looks isn’t important. It’s what is inside that matters, but for some people, the outer is a huge part of sex. If that’s the case for you, examine why your feelings have changed. Do you need to try and adjust your viewpoint a little?

The biggest no-no here is to talk to your partner about this. You’ll only cause them to feel extremely self-conscious and upset. Let’s be honest, in this case, it’s really more your problem than theirs. [Read: 14 tips to get your partner to open up and communicate about sex]

18. You fantasize about someone else during sex

It’s perfectly normal to picture another person in your mind during the deed on occasion. This can be a celebrity or it might even be an ex *shock! horror!* In that case, the odd time isn’t a problem. 

We’re all human after all. If you find that you need to picture someone else every single time you’re with your partner sexually, you need to examine why that is.

Look for something you might not be seeing in your partner or suggest spicing up your bedroom routine a little. In many cases, this isn’t necessarily a sign of outright sexual incompatibility, but more of a sign that your sex life needs a little TLC and extra fire. [Read: How to fantasize about someone else without feeling guilty]

19. You go along with things in bed you’re not really into

If you’re regularly putting up with something which doesn’t do much for you, why is that? Do you feel the need to please your partner? 

Do you feel like if you say ‘no’ to something, they’re going to be angry? If that’s the case, you need to have a serious conversation with yourself.

Nobody should try things in bed that they’re not comfortable with. And you definitely shouldn’t do something you feel uneasy with just to please another person. [Read: 20 sexual problems in your relationship that can be easily avoided]

If you’re already in this routine, change things up a little by suggesting something you want to try. Steer the attention away from the thing you don’t like. If it persists, it’s time for a conversation.

What to do when you are not sexually compatible

It might seem like your relationship is doomed if you are not sexually compatible, but it only is if you think it is. You and your partner do have to do some work if you want to make it better. Here are some tips to improve your sex life.

1. Start with yourself

If you’re not familiar with your own body and sexual needs, you can’t communicate them to your partner. Know your erotic triggers and what you would be open to exploring with your partner.

Once you are clear on what you want and what your boundaries are, then you can talk about it together. [Read: Deep truths and real questions for how to get to know yourself on a much deeper level]

2. Don’t blame each other

It’s much easier to point the finger at your partner and say it’s their fault, not yours. But as the saying goes…it takes two to tango.

In other words, each of you shares the responsibility of trying to become sexually compatible with each other. Don’t just put the problem on your partner, because you are probably not meeting their sexual needs either.

3. Communicate

You cannot change what you don’t recognize and talk about. Communicate with your partner about your concerns, wants, desires, and needs. Ask them to do the same to you.

Talk about how you can overcome your problems and improve your sex life. And by all means, don’t get defensive because that will derail any progress you’re trying to make.

4. Get support from a counselor or a sex therapist 

If you and your partner don’t seem to be able to fix your sexual incompatibility by yourselves, then you might want to seek the help of a counselor or a sex therapist.

A trained professional will help guide you through your problems and help you make everything better. [Read: Sex addict – 30 subtle signs you’re turning into one and what to do about it]

5. Shift the way you think and talk about sex

Just like anything in life, sexual satisfaction is achieved through hard work and effort. It doesn’t magically happen for most couples. So, instead of grumbling and complaining to yourself about your partner, try to take a more positive attitude in the ways that you think and talk about sex.

6. Compromise

If you are not sexually compatible, then both of you will have to compromise and meet in the middle. Maybe the one with the low sex drive tries to have sex more often, and vice versa.

You can also try to experiment with each other’s sexual interests. Some of what they like might surprise you, and you could end up liking it too if you try it.

7. Watch porn together

Most people associate men with watching porn, but couples do it too. It turns a lot of people on to see others engage in sex on the screen, so maybe it will inspire the two of you to work on your own sex life. If nothing else, it puts sex on the minds of both of you. [Read: How to watch porn with your girlfriend and get her to enjoy it with you]

8. Consider nonmonogamy agreements/open relationship

If you have tried all of these suggestions and even seen a sex therapist but nothing is changing, then you might even want to see if you and your partner would be receptive to an open relationship.

If you have kids together or otherwise want to stay together, this could work for some couples. You can have your platonic relationship while getting sex elsewhere.

9. Simply call it quits

At the end of the day, you might have to just give up on the relationship. Sure, when you met you never envisioned sexual compatibility as being a problem.

But it is – that’s reality. And if one or both of you don’t think you can live the rest of your lives with this incompatibility, then it’s time to move on and find someone else who does fulfill your sexual needs.

Things to consider if you and your partner aren’t sexually compatible

If you are coming to the realization that you and your partner are not sexually compatible, there are some things you need to consider and ponder in general. Think about these questions. [Read: 10 Telltale signs your partner isn’t up for sex tonight]

1. How big are the differences?

If you want to have sex once a day and your partner wants to have sex once a year, that is a huge difference. However, if you want to have sex once a week and your partner prefers 3-5 times a week, then maybe you can compromise.

Or, if one of you needs to be sexually adventurous and the other one doesn’t want to be, then that is another huge difference.

2. How flexible are you willing to be?

You need to be very familiar with your boundaries. How far are you willing to go to compromise? Are you willing to get out of your comfort zone? 

And if you are, how long do you think that will last? Remember, change must occur not only on your partner’s end but yours too. [Read: Boundaries in dating – how far is too far?]

3. How much effort are you willing to put in? 

Change never occurs without putting in a lot of effort. If you’re the one who has a low sex drive, then you might have to remind yourself to initiate sex more often. 

Or if your partner wants to be more adventurous, are you willing to go to an adult sex store and surprise them with some toys? How much effort do you truly think you have the energy for? 

Can a relationship work if you’re not sexually compatible? 

Before we answer this question, we need to define what it means for a relationship to “work.” Sure, a couple can stay together for decades or even the rest of their lives and be unhappy. [Read: 30 Hot, sizzling ways to spice up your sex life and leave you horny 24/7]

But does that mean the relationship “works”? Probably not, because there is no happiness.

Just because two people are together doesn’t mean that the relationship is working. It just means that they haven’t broken up…yet. 

But if you are going to define a relationship as “working” by being very happy together, then the answer would be no. A relationship cannot work very well if two people are sexually incompatible. [Read: A couple’s sexy guide to ecstasy and achieving an orgasm]

The reason for this is that a sexual connection is the cornerstone of a romantic relationship. Without it, you might as well just be friends. And if one of you wants sex a lot more than the other *or a different kind of sex*, then it won’t work very well long term.

With that said, one or both of the partners can suck it up, grin and bear it, and stay with their partner. But that doesn’t mean the relationship is “working.” 

However, if both people genuinely give their 100% effort to trying to improve their sexual compatibility, then maybe it can work. But the changes have to be long-lasting and not short-term.

[Read: The awkward signs you’re having bad sex with your lover]

After looking at the signs, what do you think? Are you and your partner sexually compatible or incompatible? If you’re sexually incompatible, then it’s time to sit down and talk about it with your partner.

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Tiffany Grace Reyes
Tiffany is a wordsmith who has played with words ever since her letter-to-the-editor was published nationally at the age of 9. Since then her writing has gone f...
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