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46 Expert-Level Tips & Secrets to Be a Better Lover and Feel Amazing in Bed

Want to become a better lover, and improve your sexual connection and passion with your partner? Use these must-know lovemaking and orgasm-making secrets!

how to be better in bed

When you’re with someone for a longer period of time, the sexual energy between you and your partner fades a bit. Many of us think it’s normal, stop wondering how to be a better lover, and just assume that’s what every relationship turns into. 

But it doesn’t have to be like that. You remember Sting, right? He and his wife still get it on 3-4 times a week, and he’s a senior citizen!

So, what’s your excuse? The thing is, keeping the flame alive takes work. You thought having sex was going to be easy, ha! Roll those sleeves up, people. You’ll need to get creative.

What makes someone a good lover?

Well, this is a difficult question to answer because everyone is different. Some people like having sex for hours or multiple times a day. Whereas other people like to have quickies and have a low libido.

But with that said, there are some common general characteristics that make someone a good lover. So, let’s take a look at some of them. [Read: How to dress for sex]

1. Selflessness

Sex should feel good for both partners. It’s a two-way street, and a good lover knows that. They aren’t in it just for their own pleasure.

They realize that their partner also needs to feel good, so they also give pleasure. They are selfless and don’t just take from their lover.

2. Matched libido

Now, this is a subjective quality of a good lover. If one person wants to have sex twice a day and the other one twice a year, then they both will think that the other one is a bad lover. So, both people need to be in sync with how often they want to have sex.

3. Matched sexual tastes

Similar to having a matched libido, both people should have matched sexual tastes. If one person is very vanilla and only likes the missionary position but the other one prefers kink or BDSM, then that is not a good match.

Again, both will think that the other one is a bad lover. So, you need to be on the same page with your sexual tastes and preferences. [Read: Vanilla sex – what it is, 12 hot ways to go from boring to OMFG in bed]

4. Willing to take direction

Since a good lover is selfless and gives pleasure to their partner, that also means that they are willing to take direction. They listen to their partner’s desires and pay attention to their body language during sex.

Because of that, they will also ask their partner what feels good and what doesn’t. Then, they try to do what their partner likes.

5. Good communicator

In order to know what your partner likes, you also need to talk about it. Sure, you can try to read your partner’s body language all you want, but you might misinterpret it. So, you need to be clear with your communication and ask your partner about their sexual desires.

6. Passionate

You’ve probably heard the term “dead fish” as it relates to sex. Such as, “she just laid there like a dead fish.” In other words, the partner isn’t passionate at all.

A good lover shows passion and desire for their partner. They make them feel sexy and desired – before, during, and even after sex. [Read: Passionate lovemaking – 23 secrets and ways to make sex lustful and steamy]

7. Confident

Not everyone is confident about their body or their skills as a lover. But we want our lovers to appear confident. Why? Because confidence is sexy. If someone acts insecure about how they look, it’s not as attractive. So, a good lover just embraces their body and acts like they are a good lover.

How to be a better lover and blow their mind

Get your notepad out… you’ll need to take notes. Even if you think you’re a pretty good lover, there is always room for improvement. So, here’s how to be better a better and blow their mind.

1. Hygiene it up

Interestingly enough, people like having sex with clean people. Strange, huh? Who would have thought? Now, it’s not like you’re dirty, but perhaps you can ignite the flame just by giving the old’ bush a trim or using coconut moisture instead of your five-year-old jar of vaseline. 

Have you seen someone come out of the shower? They just look fresh and new. [Read: Pretty pussy essentials – How to make it purr with delight]

2. Circle of trust

Nothing is worse than not feeling like you can try new things with your partner because you’re scared of being judged. Perhaps you want to try something new like bringing some whipped cream into the bedroom, but you’re scared your partner would judge you.

Having a better sex life starts with trusting your partner and feeling safe with your feelings and thoughts.

If you don’t feel this, well, find someone new.

3. Communication

Maybe you do have a decent sex life with your partner, however, you’re missing some key communication points. Maybe your partner hates it when you lick their nipples, but you always do it. [Read: How to talk about sex with your partner without sounding like a pervert]

But, if they don’t tell you, then you don’t know. So, to know how to be a better lover, you two have to be highly communicative about what feels good and what doesn’t.

4. Keep it fresh

You need to switch it up. If you only like having sex in missionary, it’s going to be a long life. So, try out new sex positions other than what you’re used to. 

You don’t have to go all Kama Sutra, but you can try out something new and see what works for you and your partner. Add another position to the collection. [Read: Middle of the night sex – how to enjoy it, tips and tricks, and when to avoid it]

5. You don’t have to speed it up

People always want it fast and hard. But when you go slowly, it throws people off and gets them even more excited. So, don’t rush it unless you have somewhere to go. 

Put on some slow 80s tunes or Drake… they both do the trick. Although Drake may get you thinking about your ex, so be careful. [Read: Slow sex – 13 steamy reasons why it’s the best sex ever]

6. No pressure

Don’t feel pressure to try to be a better lover. For instance, a lot of women don’t know how to do the cowgirl position. So, you shouldn’t put pressure on yourself. Instead, just practice and you’ll get better.

7. Know the basics

Know how to give a blowjob, how to eat a girl out, how to give head, how to French kiss – you know, the basics. Master these. 

When you have a strong foundation, you’ll be able to build on top of it, then you’ll know how to be a better lover. [Read: 9 sexiest foreplay tips you can ever use in bed]

8. Get out of your head

Everyone can get self-conscious when having sex with someone. They’re worried about the face they’re making or the fat that’s jiggling on their thighs – it’s normal. But, you have to get yourself out of your head.

The other person isn’t thinking about the fat under your arms or how loud you moan. You make them horny, and they don’t care about anything else.

9. Make time for lovemaking

You need to make time to make love. If you’re always working, you’re probably tired. But you’re ignoring a fundamental part of your relationship – intimacy. It’s crucial. So, make sure you make the time to dedicate yourself and your partner.

10. Surprise them

Who wouldn’t love it if their partner showed up at their work for a quickie? Or if they’re driving, and all of a sudden they get a blowjob or fingered? [Read: Surprise sex – Shock and awe your partner with these naughty moves]

You don’t have to surprise them with an expensive vacation, you can have a lot of fun by doing something in the moment…wherever you are.

11. Bring out the toys

Use toys – this isn’t the 1950s anymore. Missionary is not the only position you’re allowed to do. Try vibrators, dildos, anal beads, butt plugs – whatever it is that turns you two on.

Go together to the store or shop online and pick something that you both think would be fun to try. Is there a chance you’re not going to like it? Yes. Will you have a good laugh? Absolutely.

12. Role-play

Role-playing is fun, and who knows, maybe you’ll uncover your hidden talent for acting. Point is, role-playing is a fun way of bringing other people into the bedroom, without actually bringing in new people. [Read: The sexual role play guide for beginners]

You can be whoever you want and have fun with it.

13. Focus on foreplay

People always forget foreplay, and we cannot emphasize its importance. You need foreplay. 

If you’re just going straight to penetration, it’s boring. If you want to know how to be a better lover, focus on foreplay.

Relax and get to know your partner’s body. Explore them! Plus, by following the other points, you’ll be discovering new things about your partner along the way. [Read: How to foreplay – The key to be the best sex of your life]

14. Exercise

Take care of yourself. You probably didn’t even think of this when you were wondering how to be a better lover, but it’s pretty important. 

By exercising, you’re working your cardiovascular system, and that will help with your endurance in bed. No one wants to have 5-minute sex every night. So, if you’re already out of breath after 2 minutes, hit the gym. Your partner will thank you.

15. Try almost everything once

Don’t be closed-minded. Unless it’s something that makes you feel unsafe. You should be open-minded and willing to try out different things with your partner.

That way, you see what works for you and what doesn’t. Just make sure to communicate with your partner. [Read: 20 new things to try in bed with your lover at least once]

16. Don’t take it seriously

Sex isn’t something super serious – it’s not a job interview. To be a better lover, you want to be able to relax and have a laugh if you accidentally fart or elbow your partner in the stomach. 

If you can’t laugh with your partner, you won’t be relaxed or comfortable, so the sex will not be great. [Read: 20 hot sex ideas to blow your lover’s mind in bed]

17. Make some noise

There’s nothing sexier than those lust-laden gasps and low whispers while talking to each other in bed. Making noise also lets your partner know that they’re doing something you enjoy. 

Sometimes, the heavy weight of silence can be a turn off too. So learn to listen to each other’s breathing and words while making love. It’ll enhance the pleasure for both of you. [Read: How to sound sexy in bed]

18. Don’t stick to the bed

Having sex on the bed is relaxing, comfortable, and perfect. But whenever you feel like it, take it around the house. While a kitchen counter or a bathroom may feel sexy at the beginning, it may not always seem like such a fun idea after being together for a while. 

So keep the changes easy to handle and create unique ways to keep the excitement alive. [Read: Sexy places to have sex]

Watch porn in the living room and have sex on the couch. Pull the curtains aside just a bit and have sex by the window.

Try new things, but instead of worrying about bringing the fun back into something you’ve been doing for ages, bring an exciting new twist to the same thing. [Read: Public flashing confessions]

19. Have different types of sex 

Moving away from the bed is a great start to reawakening the lusty desire in you, but can you take it further? Of course, you can. Always look for innovative ways to excite your mind and make sex feel a lot sexier.

There are a lot of acts you can indulge in that can create sexual memories that can last a lifetime. Even talking about it while having sex can make you feel oh-so-horny! Read about the different types of sex that fall on this list here.

20. Slip in a quickie now and then

You don’t always have to have elaborate sex just to have great sex. Sometimes, just forcing yourself to make the whole act of sex last forever can be a turn-off.

If you ever do hit a wall or find that you feel like sex is more hard work and less fun, learn to deal with the slump by innovating on the sex. 

Every now and then, just indulge in a quickie even if you have all the time in the world. When sex starts to last for less than a few minutes a few times, it’ll invariably make you start craving for longer sex all over again. [Read: What men want in bed]

Having quick sex may seem hasty and selfish, but over the course of a few days, it’ll make both of you want more and that can help bring back the great sex into the bedroom.

21. Your partner’s orgasm before yours 

If you want to know how to have great sex all the time, then focus on your partner’s pleasures just as much as you focus on yours. Don’t finish yourself up or orgasm without letting your partner know that you’re on the verge of reaching for the sky. 

Communicate and always let each other know how long you intend it to last. It’ll help prepare both of you for a great ending. [Read: How to seduce a man who’s not yours]

Always remember to think of your partner’s orgasm before yours. To enjoy great sex, you have to realize that the satisfaction of both partners is more important than anything else. Communicate in bed and orgasm together if you can. There’s no better sex than great sex that ends together.

22. Go out and have fun!

You may wonder what going out has anything to do with great sex. But it really does. When you spend all the time cooped up at home, sex doesn’t really excite you enough.

The foreplay may last a few minutes, and then you get to making love. The sex may be good, but to make it a lot more exciting, you need to do something more about it. [Read: Cute date ideas – 15 really sweet date ideas to try with your Boo]

The next weekend when you’ve got a bit of time on your hands, go clubbing with your partner. Everyone knows that a club reeks of sex and lust, and yet, no one’s really having sex there. 

There are just a lot of body parts grazing against each other, a lot of staring, and careless touching. When you spend time in a place like this, you can’t help but feel sexually excited about it.

And every single thing you do with your own lover will only excite you further and make you horny. You could do the same thing at home but being surrounded by a frenzy of lust does create the right vibes for a lot of sexual excitement. [Read: Dirty talking in bed about parties]

When you eventually do get back home, you’re going to bring the same excitement back into bed.

How to have great sex

Great sex is all in the mind, but as the relationship grows older, the mind too looks for creative ways to bring back the excitement.

Always look for ways to bring the sexual tension of the first touch back into bed, and you’ll be able to experience a wild night of passion all the time. [Read: 10 Reasons you should have great sex every single day]

You’ve read the tips on how to be a better lover, now we’ll get to understand how to have great sex all the time.

1. Check in with your lover throughout the experience

Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in your own physical pleasure, but don’t forget to check in with your partner too.

As we said, sex is a two-way street, so it’s not just all about you. Make sure your partner is enjoying themselves too. The only way to do that is to continually check in with them.

2. Show your partner appreciation in and out of the bedroom

Everyone likes to know that they are appreciated. And being sexually appreciated is no different. So, if your lover does something that feels particularly good, thank them. [Read: How to show your appreciation to someone and express your gratitude]

And you can’t forget how you act outside the bedroom too. If you’re a jerk, your partner won’t be in the mood to have sex because they’ll be caught up in your selfless behavior. 

3. Embrace awkwardness even when things go awry

Sex doesn’t always go the way we want it to. Body parts make noises, and positions don’t work out sometimes. But don’t be uptight about it because it happens to everyone. Just embrace it and laugh about it together. There’s no need to be so serious if things don’t work out perfectly.

4. Try to stay mindful in the moment

If your sexual sessions go on for a long time, sometimes it’s difficult to stay mindful at all times. But try to focus in the moment.

Don’t let your mind wander to other things. Also, make sure you look at your partner and gauge how they’re feeling by reading their body language. [Read: How to live in the moment – 24 positive ways to live in the now]

5. Take the focus away from the end goal like an orgasm

Sure, orgasms are awesome. It’s the best feeling in the world, so it’s not surprising that you focus on that as the end goal.

But sex is so much more than orgasms. After all, the orgasm only lasts a few seconds. The whole sexual experience goes on a lot longer than that, so focus on 

6. Stop feeling embarrassed

Most people lack self-esteem and self-confidence in general. And that feeling can translate over into the bedroom too.

As a result, sometimes people feel embarrassed about how their body looks or what they’re doing *or not doing* in bed. Stop feeling that way. Your partner wants to have sex with you, otherwise, they wouldn’t be.

7. Ask your partner what they need when it’s over

Some people like to cuddle and talk after sex. Others like to get up immediately and go do something else. Ask what your partner wants to do.

Even if it’s different than what you would enjoy, try to compromise and think about their needs too – not just your own. [Read: 19 Signs of a taker in a relationship – are you a taker or a giver?]

How to be a better lover outside the bedroom

You might think that being a better lover only includes what happens during sex. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. You have to be a good lover and partner outside of the bedroom too. Here are some things you need to do.

1. Make new memories

Regardless of how long you have been together, you can always make new memories. At the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to do that because everything is new and fresh, so it comes naturally. But you can do new things together at any time, so don’t forget to do that.

2. Change the scenery

Life is full of routine, and sex is not immune to that either. People get into a rut sometimes, so change up the scenery.

Take a romantic vacation, shower together, take a dance class or do something else that will make things more romantic and different between the two of you. [Read: Best places to have sex – 41 wild and naughty ideas beyond the bed]

3. Flirt with your partner

Part of what is exciting when a relationship is new is the flirting that happens between two people. It can even happen before you start dating, which is also exhilarating too.

So, don’t forget to flirt with your partner. Let them know how sexy you think they are and how much you desire them. 

4. Ask questions

You might think you know your partner inside and out, but there is always something new to learn about them. Start a deep conversation about that or anything else that you find interesting.

It could be about whether or not aliens exist or the current state of the world. Talking to your partner outside the bedroom is crucial.

5. Cultivate a stronger physical connection

When you are not inside the bedroom there are a lot of physical things you can do with your partner that aren’t necessarily.

Spank them on their butt and hold their hand. Cuddle on the couch. Hug them a lot.

Use touch to cultivate a stronger physical connection before you have sex. [Read: Types of touches – the 36 physical touches we use and what they mean]

6. Don’t be lazy about your relationship

Too many people think that once they are in a relationship they don’t have to “try” anymore. They think they can just sit back and coast.

But you can’t be complacent and lazy. That’s a great way to get your partner to desire you a whole lot less. Put in the effort and make your relationships thrive. Nobody thinks that laziness is an attractive quality.

7. Work on yourself first

In order to be a good lover, you have to love yourself first. And that means you might have to do some work on yourself.

Get in shape, start eating right, and go to the gym. Start reading books instead of playing video games. Become a better person not only for your lover but for yourself too.

What to take off to have better sex

In order to have really good sex, you also need to get the negativity out of your mind and your relationship. Too many people are not Little Miss/Mr. Sunshine, but you need to be more positive in order to be a good lover.

Forget these things, and then you will. [Read: Positive self-talk – what it is, where it comes from, and how to master it]

1. Anger

Too many people walk around being angry. They are angry at the world, their boss, strangers, their partner, and even themselves. But anger isn’t sexy.

It’s the opposite of sexy. If you’re angry at your partner, then it’s not time to have sex. Wait until you work out your problems before you get inside the bedroom.

2. Malice

Malice and anger go hand-in-hand. So, just as you want to get rid of anger as much as possible, you also need to not even think about bringing malice into your relationship.

Don’t try to get revenge on your partner for anything. That will only destroy your relationship, not just your sex life.

3. Filthy language and slander

While some people think it’s hot and sexy to talk filthy or slander their partner during sex, most people don’t like it. It’s degrading and abusive. So, just don’t do it.

That is unless you are both deep into the BDSM world and you like the humiliation. But most people aren’t like that, so just leave it out of the bedroom and your whole relationship.

[Read: How to fantasize in bed]

If you want to know how to be a better lover, you don’t have to memorize the book of Kama Sutra. You just have to be willing to put in an effort and try new things. And it can all start with this list!

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Natasha Ivanovic
Natasha Ivanovic is an intimacy, dating, and relationship writer best known for her writings on Kiiroo, LovePanky, Post Pravda, and more. She's the creator and ...
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