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How to Be a Dominant: 12 Steps to Take Control and Lead in Bed

Let’s get things straight, someone has to be the boss in the bedroom. Now, if you want to be that person, you’re going to learn how to be a dominant.

how to be a dominant

When it comes to the bedroom and life in general, there’s always someone who’s more dominant than their partner. Now, that’s not a good or bad thing, nor is it about learning how to be a dominant or a submissive. It’s just something you enjoy, and that’s okay. Sometimes, you can be dominant in life, however, when it comes to sex, you could be submissive.

Also, your dominance can vary depending on who your partner is. Sometimes if you’re usually dominant in bed, meeting someone who is also dominant makes you more submissive or… you could turn into a wild beast.

How to be a dominant in bed

There are times when you and your partner haven’t established your roles. Now, if they’re not into being dominant, that means you’ll have to step it up. You may be totally against it in the beginning, but, I recommend you give it a try before you knock it completely off as an option. So, if you’re curious, it’s time you learned how to be a dominant.  [Read: BDSM tips and tricks for first timers]

Because someone has to be it… why not you?

#1 Do it because you want to. If you’re really not comfortable with being a dom, then don’t do it. If you’re curious, then I think you should give it a try. But, at the end of the day, you really should want to do it for yourself and not your partner. [Read: How to dominate a man in bed – 14 ways to be a domestic goddess]

#2 Know how far your partner is willing to go. You two need to sit down before having sex and figure out what you’re both comfortable with. How far is your partner willing to go, and how far are you willing to go? These are two very important questions that need to be answered before doing anything.

#3 Three levels of dominance. There are three levels of dominance. Now, depending on what you and your partner decide on, you’ll start on either gentle, moderate, or aggressive dominance.

You don’t need to start off with aggressive dominance, you can start off at gentle and work your way up. [Read: BDSM 101 – How to be a dominatrix in the bedroom]

#4 Gentle. If you are completely new and don’t yet know how to be a dominant, then start off with gentle dominance. You don’t need to start off with handcuffs right away. This will give you some time to feel out what you’re interested in. Being gentle means talking dirty, pushing your partner against the wall, hair pulling, and manhandling.

#5 Moderate. Moderate dominance is fun – this is what most people desire when being dominated for the first time. Moderate dominance means spanking, biting, handcuffs, being denied orgasms, and hot lube.

Most people engage in moderate dominance, so your partner may be experienced up to this point. Which is good because they’ll be able to teach you the ropes – no pun intended. [Read: 8 “facts” you think you know about BDSM debunked]

#6 Aggressive. This is some Fifty Shades of Grey type shit. This is really about being dominant and aggressive in the bedroom. Aggressive dominance means BDSM, choking, degradation, and gagging. You won’t be able to reach this level right away, this really takes some time to understand what you like and don’t like. I wouldn’t recommend this right away unless you’ve been fantasizing about it heavily.

#7 It takes time to develop dominance. Listen, learning how to be a dominant may be something completely new for you, so don’t expect to be the ultimate dominatrix in two days. This takes time and experience. So, don’t put any pressure on yourself to perform. Just take your time and go with the flow. [Read: From Red Room to real world – BDSM in your boudior]

#8 Have a safe word. You’re going to need a safe word. Not just for your partner, but for yourself as well. Make sure that the safe word isn’t a word that can easily be said during sex. For example, don’t make your safe word “cock.” Please don’t. Make it something like pineapple or cabbage. Unless you’ll be using those in bed, then pick a different word.

#9 Wear what makes you feel dominant. You don’t need to wear strapless pants or a choker in order to be dominant. You can be equally as dominant while being completely naked as well. You need to wear what makes you feel sexy, confident, and dominant. If you feel these things while wearing an apron, then wear it. What’s important is that you can feel free in what you’re wearing. [Read: 7 extremely weird but wildly popular sex fetishes]

#10 Be communicative. If you’re going to learn how to be a dominant, you have to be communicative with your partner. This means you need to make sure that they’re comfortable and getting what they want out of the experience. At the same time, you need to make sure your needs are also being met as well.

#11 More doesn’t mean better. People always think that the more you do in bed, the better the sex will be. But that isn’t true. Being dominant doesn’t mean you have to dress in black latex and drip candle wax on your partner’s back.

I mean, you can do that, that’s not a bad thing. However, if that’s too extreme for you, it’s okay. There’s no right or wrong way to dominate someone. It’s purely based on what makes you two feel good. [Read: How to lead in bed and command your way to absolute pleasure]

#12 Use everything. Listen, to be dominant you can use almost anything – sex toys, candles, whips, rope, fruit – whatever you want. Of course, you need to make sure that your partner agrees to it. But if they do, well then, don’t hold back.

[Read: 15 dirty ways to have the sexiest rough sex ever]

Now that you know how to be a dominant, it’s time you tried it out. Have fun with it. I know it sounds like a serious role to play, but sex is about having fun… so relax.

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Natasha Ivanovic
Natasha Ivanovic is an intimacy, dating, and relationship writer best known for her writings on Kiiroo, LovePanky, Post Pravda, and more. She's the creator and ...
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