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Massaging Your Partner to Orgasm: 20 Pivotal Dos and Don’ts

A massage doesn’t have to be a chore or even a method of relaxation: it can actually be a very sexy, sensitive and exciting part of achieving orgasm.

massage orgasm

There are different attitudes toward the whole concept of massage. These range from, “Sounds great, when do I get one?” all the way through the appreciation spectrum to, “You want what? Do I have to?”

Guys, especially, aren’t really keen on spending their precious physical one-on-one time slowly kneading their partner’s back and, although women tend to be a lot more open to the idea, it’s something that can add enormously to your lovemaking.

Massage: the slow build-up to orgasm

Truly GREAT lovemaking depends upon you both being in a state of absolutely optimum sexual arousal. Even 75% or 80% of the way there is likely to hold you back from making the earth move, and massage is great for achieving that. All that body contact, and the gentle escalation from shoulders, back, and neck to more intimate parts of the anatomy is a sure-fire way to get some mind blowing sex. However, there are as many ways of getting it wrong as there are getting it right—both of which we will attempt to help you with here. [Need some practice first? Try: Sexy tips to turn yourself on with your senses]


#1 Get an education. There are many self-help guides out there, on a huge number of subjects, and massage is certainly no exception. Youtube it or, if you’re feeling a little more adventurous, try some slightly more risqué sites, where you can find advice on how to give Tantric massage, the grand-daddy of sensual finger play techniques, and a definite plus on the road to administering an orgasm. [Read: Tantric massage and the beginners guide to awaken your deeper sexuality]

#2 Set the scene. No one can relax in an environment that isn’t very relaxing and, put simply, no relaxation means no orgasm. It’s up to you to set the scene to make the immediate area more conducive to the activities you’ve planned on. Don’t hesitate to get out the scented candles, gentle music, and whatever else you might think will float their boat.

#3 Oil up. Get your hands nicely oiled up before you begin the massage. Make sure your hands are properly moisturized, as failing to do so will mean your hands soak up the much-needed massage oil. Once you’re sure your hands are not going to soak up the oil, pour a generous amount into your palm. [Read: The perfect romantic massage to turn your lover on]

#4 Oil them up. It goes without saying, for a sensual massage, at least, that you need to get the oil on your lover’s body as much as you do on your hands. This ensures that the experience continues without any literal snags and heightens the sensitivity of the skin—all essential parts of reaching orgasm.

#5 Start slowly. You need to get your head around the fact that sensual massage requires a gradual escalation process that relies on you starting slowly. Skip any steps, or increase the pace to get to the end game a little quicker, and you may well spoil the whole thing. So begin with parts of the body that aren’t usually considered erogenous zones before you move on to the more sexual parts.

The shoulders are usually considered the best place to start, as you can encourage relaxation without jumping directly into sexual stimulation. This stage should contribute about 10% to the overall massage.

#6 Tertiary erogenous zones. The lower erogenous zone stage, this is the first one you move on to after the initial relaxation stage. The important point to remember in this and the following two points is that you can target as many as you wish and avoid as many as you wish. Not all erogenous zones are erogenous to all people.

In the tertiary list, for example, although some people go crazy over having their feet and armpits touched, some are quite repulsed by the idea. The tertiary erogenous zone stage should make up about 40% of the overall massage. [Not sure how to start? Check out: Secret erogenous zones to drive men wild or Top 10 female erogenous zones]

Typical tertiary zones: neck, thighs, feet, armpits, back, breasts, and the back of the knees.

#7 Secondary erogenous zones. It’s time to raise the bar and get pulses racing. The secondary erogenous zones are far less ambiguous than those manipulated during the preceding stage and what were sighs of pleasure should quickly turn into some pretty heavy panting. This stage of the massage should contribute to around 30% of the overall experience.

Typical secondary zones: nipples, testes, perineum, mons pubis, and buttocks.

#8 Primary erogenous zones. The final 20% of the massage is the part that puts you in a prime position to give your partner that mind-blowing orgasm they should, by now, be eager for. Focus on these areas to really bring things to an explosive conclusion.

Typical primary zones: clitoris, labia, penis, anus, and vagina.

#9 Choose your weapons. When it’s time to blow, and the signs will be more than apparent, it’s time to choose your weapons—whether fingers, tongue, lips, or a sex toy—and apply yourself dedicatedly and consistently until the goal is achieved. This is no time to get bored, tired, or selfish! [Do toys tickle your fancy? Read: 13 must-have couple’s sex toys for naughty first-timers]

#10 The reverse warm down. For the perfect sensual massage experience, and one that has the added bonus of keeping your partner keen enough to return the favor, try the reverse warm down. This means reversing your way gently through the steps, from the orgasm stage, to the secondary and tertiary erogenous zones. This doesn’t have to be done for anywhere near as long as the build up. As long as you continue the sensuality of the experience to the point where withdrawing from your partner doesn’t in any way diminish it, you should be in for a treat, yourself.


#11 Forget to shower. No one likes a stinker! Make sure you’re spotlessly clean and scented.

#12 Do it clothed. Starting out naked will likely just make them self-conscious and tense. [Read: How to look sexy without trying to look sexy]

#13 Go in dry. No oil equals rough handling, desensitization, and a one-way ticket to never giving or getting another sensual massage.

#14 Forget to manicure. The same applies here as to number 13.

#15 Leap in for the kill. Make sure you follow the stages in a steady progression, or you risk killing the mood. [Check out: 9 sexiest foreplay tips you can ever use in bed!]

#16 Get bored. Maintain your rhythm and application. Massage time is selfless time, and needs to be treated as such.

#17 Be a robot. Be responsive! Don’t just follow a game plan without room for spontaneity. If your partner asks for additional stimulation somewhere, give it. If your partner asks you to avoid something, avoid it! These guidelines are simply that: guidelines.

#18 Try to get in on the act. You’ll get your turn eventually. Right now, it’s time to focus on your partner and your partner’s pleasure. [Try: 12 signs you’re being selfish in a relationship]

#19 Throw in the towel. It’s a long journey, but a worthwhile one. You’ll get there in the end.

#20 Don’t make a sharp exit. Running off at the point of “O” is humiliating. Warm things down a bit first.

[Next, read: How to give a good sensual massage and work your magic]

If you’ve never tried massage as a method of getting your partner to orgasm before, now is the time to try. You may be pleasantly surprised!

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David Cullen
David Cullen
David Cullen is frequently described as erudite, insightful and witty – but only by himself and only after several large glasses of Rioja....