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Head Pusher: Why Some Selfish Guys Do This & How to Handle Them

If you have been with a selfish lover, then they are also likely a head pusher. Here are the signs of one and what you can do to help the situation.

head pusher

Think back for a second to a possible head pusher situation you’ve been in. You might have been in a progressively sexy type of situation and suddenly you find your head being pushed not-so-subtly towards your partner’s nether regions.

It’s quite the mood killer, right?

What is a head pusher?

Head pushers are usually men *though they can sometimes be women as well* who subtly or forcefully push their sexual partner’s head down to receive oral sex from them.

They could either do it with small nudges and gestures, or go all the way to holding you by your hair and decisively guiding your face down to their nether regions.

How does head pushing happen?

You’re in the moment, everything is going well, you’re really feeling it, you’re going with the flow. Suddenly up is now down, and you’re faced with an eyeful of the crotch. 

Of course, your partner is silently communicating to you that they want you to go down the oral route, but come on, surely there’s a better way to go about it!

For some people, the head pusher routine isn’t a problem for them. If that’s the case, fine, you don’t need to learn how to handle it because you and your partner don’t mind it. 

However, if you’re like many others, you’re really not fond of having your head pushed, bluntly or gently, towards someone’s genitals. In that case, how do you address the problem without totally killing the vibe and the mood in the room? How do you get them to understand that it’s a problem for you?


[Read: How to be an adult and 15 mature ways to handle situations like a grown up]

Why is the head pusher routine so annoying?

It’s an issue if you don’t like it. You don’t have to explain yourself or have a reason why. You just know that you don’t like it and that’s enough. However, think about what it actually means too.

When someone pushes your head down towards their crotch, without words or anything else, they’re basically demanding that you go down on them. They’re not asking, they’re not hinting, they’re not doing anything but saying “okay, it’s time now.”

Not very sexy, is it? It’s not very romantic either.

[Read: The sex buzzkill – what will kill the mood in the bedroom fast!]

Such an intimate act really needs some kind of build-up, without being demanded. It also needs consent from you that you’re happy to do it. This is the same for one-night stands as it is for long-term relationships.

You shouldn’t feel pressure to give someone a little oral loving unless you choose to do so of your own free will.

While most people who do the old head pusher routine aren’t doing so in a malicious way, it’s important that they realize it could be taken that way.

Some people do this playfully. They give you a nudge in that direction because they’re not really sure of how to ask you to do it in words. 

They’re embarrassed, so they try and nudge you in that direction to get you to take the hint. However, you must say that if they’re too embarrassed to ask for what they want, they shouldn’t be doing it in the first place!

If you’re not comfortable with having your head pushed or even nudged towards someone’s genitals, it’s an issue and should stop. But, how? [Read: How to talk about sex with your partner without sounding weird]

Other signs of a head pusher – aka “selfish lover”

Being a selfish lover means that you are only thinking about your needs, pleasure, and boundaries. So, if you think that you are involved with a head pusher, you should also take a good look at them outside of the bedroom. [Read: 19 signs of a taker in a relationship – Are you a giver or a taker?]

Being with someone who doesn’t reciprocate and has selfish expectations leaves people feeling unfulfilled and annoyed. Sex needs to be a mutual thing, and your pleasure deserves to be a priority too.

1. They only care about their orgasm

If you feel like your partner doesn’t care about your climax and the center of your sexual experiences are always theirs, then they are definitely a selfish lover.

This is very disrespectful because it’s like saying, “I got what I want, and screw you – your pleasure doesn’t matter!” That’s a huge turnoff. [Read: Why do orgasms feel so good? 21 whys and ways to make it better]

2. They don’t reciprocate

It’s understandable that all people want to experience their own pleasure in bed, but that doesn’t let anyone off the hook for reciprocating.

Sure, some partners might want two very different sexual experiences, but that doesn’t mean that both people can’t be satisfied.

It doesn’t matter if the same amount of time is spent on each other’s orgasms, but both people need to feel like they had their turn and weren’t coerced into doing something only for their partner’s pleasure.

3. They don’t think about your body

Not only are they only concerned about their orgasm *and their body*, they don’t care about your body. They don’t ask you what you like or what feels good to you.

If they pleasure you at all, then they do it the way they want it, not what you actually want to be done to you. [Read: Sexy tips – How to get a selfish lover to be more giving]

4. Their words and actions don’t match

When your partner asks what you want in bed, it is usually viewed as a good thing by most people. However, that’s all they do. They ask what you want, but they don’t do it. 

They think that simply going through the effort of asking you about your sexual boundaries means that they are a good person – and lover. But it doesn’t matter what you say, because it falls on deaf ears. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

5. They don’t want to learn or explore anything new

They might think that they know everything about sex, and they will not even consider learning anything new in bed. This is part of where selfishness stems from – the lack of willingness to try different things.  [Read: Top 50 kinky sex ideas worth trying at least once in your lifetime]

So, if you’re with a head pusher, then the chances are that they aren’t open to evolving sexually because they’re too focused on themselves.

That’s not to say that they shouldn’t have boundaries like everyone else, but if you suggest trying something reasonable and they refuse, then that is a sign of a selfish lover – like a head pusher.

6. They only like sexual positions where you have to do all the work

Let’s face it – there are a lot of lazy people in the world. So, if your lover only likes having sex where they can just lie there and not have to do any work, then they are also likely to be a head pusher.

Sometimes sex can be physically tiring *but fun*. However, one lover should not have to do all the work. It should be a shared endeavor, but selfish lovers don’t see it that way. [Read: Pillow Princess and what does it really mean to be called one]

7. They act this way out of insecurity

Selfish lovers focus only on their own pleasure because they’re not confident enough to emotionally connect with someone else.

Being a considerate lover also means having confidence. You need to be fully naked and vulnerable with another person, ask for active consent, and consider their levels of comfort and pleasure.

So, if your lover is a head pusher and struggling to ask what you want, it could mean their insecurity is keeping them from connecting with you. [Read: 12 easy sex positions that look expert-level sexy and feel real good]

How to handle a head pusher without ruining the moment

Firstly, you probably don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. You’re pretty sure that they’re not doing this in a malicious way. It’s probably a playful, in-the-moment thing. [Read: Selfish people – 20 ways to spot and stop them from hurting you]

Let’s be honest, some people learn these things from watching porn. They assume this is what you do, but it’s not something everyone likes either!

The best way to handle it is just to tell them that you don’t like it when they do that. The next time they do the head pusher routine, gently move their hand from your head. Then, say in a gentle yet quite firm way “please don’t do that, I don’t like it.” 

If you’re happy to continue down the oral route, do it with your own free will. You do not need to be pushed. If you’re not happy to continue down that route, just don’t do it. Do something else instead, or stop completely. Whatever you’re happy with. [Read: Don’t be run over – Learn how to stand up for yourself in your relationship]

You need to communicate

You have to communicate this dislike to your partner otherwise how are they supposed to know that you don’t like it? If you simply take the hint every time they push your head in that direction, they might assume that you quite like it and carry on doing it. 

You can only break the routine by speaking up. You don’t have to do this in an accusatory “don’t do that to me!” way. Simply gently suggest that the next time they want you to give them head, they just tell you.

If the head pusher takes offense and gets all uppity about it, well, that’s their problem.

You should also question whether you want to continue being intimate with someone who acts in such a childish way when you point out a dislike to them. 

However, for the most part, they’ll simply stop doing it and realize that it’s not something you appreciate. Again, they might just think that you do like it and that’s why they’ve carried on with it.

Far too many people are scared to be vocal about what they do and don’t want in the bedroom. But it also covers the things you don’t like happening to you. This is an intimate and vulnerable moment, you should feel safe and secure every step of the way. 

If having your head pushed makes you feel unsafe, a trigger, or just a pet peeve, you are well within your rights to say so. In fact, you should do so every single time. [Read: 15 things girls do that can turn a guy off in bed]

Failure to do this means the head pusher will just carry on, and who can blame them? They’ve not been told otherwise and you’ve been happy to go along with it. They’re not a mind-reader. 

Being mature enough to have sexual encounters, whether full-on or not, means you being mature enough to speak about it. You can communicate your needs, likes, and dislikes too. Sure, it can be a little cringey, but without forming the words, nothing will change. [Read: How to have a difficult conversation without losing your nerve]

Blame it on the porn

Despite all of this, the head pusher routine has been around for eons. Again, it’s down to the porn influence. In porn movies, it’s traditionally the guy who pushes the woman’s head down towards his crotch. A silent sign that it’s time for oral.

In these films, the woman normally just complies and goes for it. But we all know that porn isn’t realistic and isn’t real life. You don’t have to just go for it. You don’t have to simply put up with it. If you don’t like it, you can say so. We urge you to say so! [Read: 25 common porn myths that people still believe]

However, it might be that you actually like it. Some people do. In that case, keep going with it! We all have our own unique likes and dislikes when it comes to sex. 

No one should judge you on what you like and don’t like sexually. As long as your partner is on the same page as you, there’s really no issue. You should both carry on enjoying yourself behind those closed doors.

[Read: How far is too far for you? How to have boundaries in dating]

The head pusher routine is as old as the hills. Your encounter is about to take a turn towards oral, but what if you don’t like it? You owe it to yourself to speak up and ask your partner to stop doing it. 

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Nicky Curtis
Nicky Curtis
Having stumbled from one relationship drama to another throughout her 20s, Nicky is now somewhat of a guru in the crazy world of life and love. Telling it how i...
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