Asking your boyfriend or girlfriend to move in with you is a big step. Here’s how you can do it the right way.
Moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t the kind of decision you can make overnight. It takes a lot of consideration and calculation from both parties for it to work.
“Will you move in with me?” is like a test run for the dreaded “Will you marry me?” Much like moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend is a dry run for the great “I do.” However, some couples think that it’s a necessary step to find out whether or not they are compatible with their partners.
[Read: Healthy relationship: 27 signs, qualities & what it looks like in real life]
Moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend is one of the biggest steps in a relationship. The butterflies in your stomach during your first kiss or the awkward fumbling with buttons and zippers on your first time will never compare to the nerves you get when you ask your partner to move in with you.
You never know whether they’ll agree, and either of the two answers pose a host of challenges. A “no” can be followed by a “why,” which can start all sorts of questions about the future, unearth commitment issues, and even spell the end of the relationship.
A “yes,” on the other hand, is followed by “when,” “where,” “do I get to keep the cats,” or “can I bring the light sabers hanging on my bedroom wall?” [Read: The things you need to know before moving in together]
How to know if you’re ready to move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend
Before you pop the question, maybe you should check whether you yourself are ready to make the transition.
Living alone can be comfortable, all the more so if you have been living by yourself for a long time. No one is going to notice you are wearing the same set of pajamas for five days in a row. Certainly, no one is going to smell you wearing that rag, except perhaps for your cat.
Moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend means you need to give up some of the luxuries you have been accustomed to while living alone.
Being in a relationship requires intimacy. Shared laughs, adventures, and even arguments create intimacy between the couple. However, living under one roof presents a new level of intimacy quite different from what you are used to. [Read: The common problems faced by couples who live together]
When you live together, you’ll wake up with your partner’s morning breath right next to your nose, and fall asleep right in time with your partner’s not-so-gentle snores.
Time spent together will no longer be all rainbows and romantic music. Instead, your days will be filled with chores, like taking out the trash, washing the dishes, or cleaning the toilet. Are you sure you’re ready for your partner to hear you fart?
Then comes the biggest concern in this modern world: money. Both of you have to be financially stable before making this big decision. How are you going to pay rent if only one of you has a job and can barely cover for yourself?
Also, make sure that it feels natural to take the step. Do not just consider moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend simply because you have been together for some time. There is no deadline for your relationship, so you should go at your own pace.
[Read: Living together before marriage – The must-knows and how it could affect you both]
Why you shouldn’t move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend
Taking the next step in your relationship requires a new level of emotional maturity and commitment. This becomes all the more necessary for couples who view moving in together as a test run for the real thing. Thus, the decision to move in is one that should not be entered into for the wrong reasons.
1. You sleep at each other’s house anyway
It may seem like the next logical step when you and your boyfriend or girlfriend are already spending every night of the week together anyway, so why not move in? However, moving together includes spending even the days together.
As the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt. What may seem like a good idea at first can backfire and affect your relationship for the worse.
2. To save on rent and utilities
Living alone can be financially taxing, as you are the only one shouldering all the expenses including rent, electric and water bills, and maintenance expenses.
When you want to update the furniture, you’ll have to shell out 100% of the price. When something breaks down, you’ll have to answer for the full repair costs. It can be very tempting to share all these expenses with another person 50-50.
However, deciding to move in based solely on this reason can open up a can of worms. Your partner may think that you are offering to move in merely because you want to save money, or if your partner earns more than you do, that you are only taking advantage of them.
Having someone to split the bills with you can be the cherry on top, but it shouldn’t be the cupcake.
3. To save the relationship
Of all the reasons to move in together, this is probably the worst. Some couples whose relationships are on the brink of dissolution, opt to move in together to attempt rekindling their love. They think that if they move in together, they will be able to hang on to the other or make the other commit through mere proximity. Unfortunately, this kind of setup doesn’t end well.
Moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend when your relationship is at its peak is difficult enough. Imagine when the relationship is already in its death throes. You don’t jump in the water to save someone if you yourself cannot swim. You’ll surely end up drowning yourself. [Read: The spark in a relationship – 20 reasons why it’s gone and the fastest ways to reignite it]
Sometimes, a couple gets into a fight, and talk about moving together in the heat of the moment while making up *or worse, in the middle of make-up sex!*. Other times, some couples keep having the same fight repeatedly every few days *not enough time for each other, suspicions, jealousy, or just a need to keep an eye on each other*.
But instead of resolving the issue, they wrongly assume that moving together would rid them of their insecurities and they’d end up magically having a happy relationship!
The truth, on the other hand, is if you can’t fix an issue when you live apart, fixing the issue when you move in together may be a temporary band-aid that feels like the perfect solution, but the same problems will crop up again, maybe even ten times worse!
[Read: I have trust issues – 18 baby steps to start dating & open your heart to love]
5. They are forcing you to move in
You may love your boyfriend or girlfriend, but when it comes to moving in together, you should do it for yourself. If you are only doing this for them, you are not happy, and if one person in a relationship isn’t happy, that relationship is going to fail.
Make sure you want to move in with your boyfriend and girlfriend. If you hesitate and need time to think about it, you’re probably not ready. But believe this, when someone truly loves you, they will not force you to do anything for them.
[Read: 17 signs of disrespect in a relationship that can ruin love forever]
6. You don’t like your apartment
So you spend most of your time at your partner’s place because your apartment sucks or you have a terrible roommate. That’s valid. But it can simply be fixed by changing your interior, moving to a new place, or changing your roommate.
Those things require way less commitment than moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend when you are not ready. So instead of making an impulsive decision, try to figure out exactly what you dislike about your apartment and what you can do to change that.
7. Your contract is about to end soon
Of all the reasons, this has to be the worst one. Your contract is about to end, yet you still haven’t found a place, so you’re freaking out. That’s understandable.
However, when we’re in a life or death situation — well, sort of — we tend to cling to the very first lifeboat. It’s only until after that you regret moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend on a whim.
Do not ask the question to move in if you only need a way out. Moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend should be a choice, not a desperate measure. [Read: 41 signs & proper ways to end a long term relationship & what to do next]
Signs you’re ready to move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend
Now that you know when you shouldn’t move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Let’s look at the signs that you’re ready for the big move.
1. There is an agreed budget
So you and your partner are both working individuals and can provide for yourselves. It’s time to sit down and start planning. Before contacting estate agents and choosing the furniture and all that, you need to have an agreed budget.
Discuss with your partner how much you are willing to pay for rent and other requirements for your dream apartment. Make sure both of you are happy with the agreement. [Read: The 50 best free date ideas when you want romance on a budget]
2. You have compatible schedules
Having compatible schedules means you and your partner can spend more quality time together. If your partner has to wake up early in the morning, you staying up and playing music isn’t exactly ideal. Or if you have to meditate and your partner has to practice his instrument or do some other loud activity.
But let’s be honest, it’s not easy to have different schedules that match 100%. You have to be flexible and compromise with each other if you want to move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
The best way to do this is to have a shared calendar and communicate with each other when needed.
3. You have taken a trip together
A vacation is a short period of time when a couple lives together. Have you ever spent a week or two with your partner and actually enjoyed it? If you haven’t, then you’re probably unfamiliar with each other’s routines.
Plan a week or two away on holiday with your boyfriend or girlfriend before moving in with them. If you cannot afford that at the moment, staying with them at their place or yours for a short period is a better option to see if you’re compatible.
[Read: How much time should couples spend together – 24 clues to your magic number]
4. You’ve cohabited before
Great. Now you know what you’ll sign up for. If you can tolerate their mess and they are perfectly fine with your habits and routines, you are ready for this next big step! [Read: Does true love exist? 21 signs to recognize it & make you a believer]
5. You communicate well
Communication is the best way to resolve any relationship problem. If you cannot communicate, your relationship is already doomed.
Don’t think that tolerating your partner and staying silent about their bad behaviors means you can live with them. That will only work for a short period, not for the long term. So make sure that communication isn’t an issue between the two of you before you move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
[Read: How to communicate with your spouse & end the roller coaster ride]
When to discuss moving in with your boyfriend and girlfriend
The question of how soon you should move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend is very individual to each couple. On average, some couples move in together after six months of dating, while some others move in after two years.
But time isn’t always the deciding factor. When you’re both ready, no matter how long or short you have been together, you should start thinking of this big change.
[Read: Are you ready to move in together? The complete 16-point checklist]
How to bring up moving in with your boyfriend and girlfriend
The next important question you must ask yourself is how you should bring up the moving-in subject without pressurizing your boyfriend or girlfriend. After all, asking your partner can be intimidating because if they’re not ready, it could make things a bit awkward.
On the other hand, your boyfriend or girlfriend may be just as thrilled as you are about moving in together. You won’t know unless you ask them. Here are some ways that you can do it.
[Read: 21 secret signs of a bad relationship that signal a bad future ahead]
1. Ease them in
Begin slowly. You may want to avoid broaching the topic for a few weeks in order to ease into the conversation. Try suggesting it with a funny statement like, “Wow, I have so much stuff in your apartment, might as well move in together!” See how your partner reacts.
You can also take a bit more time to soften their edges. Invite your partner to stay the night a few nights in a week at first. Start off with one night of the week when you can cook dinner or order some takeouts for a movie marathon. Make sure your house is not a dump when you do this, though.
Clean the house a little, empty the trash, wash the dishes, and do have clean throw pillows on the couch. You don’t want your partner sitting down and smelling six months’ worth of beer spills, sweat, and dust.
[Read: 26 different types of relationships to predict your romantic life & future]
Once they are used to spending a night a week, have more frequent sleepovers. Suggest that they leave their toothbrush and toiletries, so they need not lug them around with them every time they stay over.
Better yet, take note of their brand of toiletries and buy a bottle or two. They’ll appreciate the effort of trying to make your home as homey to them as possible.
Up the ante and empty out a drawer, so they’ll have somewhere to keep their overnight stuff. Sooner than later, you’ll find them staying most nights, their toiletries lined up in the bathroom closet, and their designated drawer overflowing with clothes. Surely after that, it won’t be difficult to ask them to move in.
2. Discuss future goals with them
Ask your partner about their goals for your future together. You can make your decision based on how compatible you both are with your plans and expectations for kids and careers. Do you play an important factor in their future, or do they only focus on themselves? [Read: Does he or doesn’t he see a future with you? 30 signs to read him]
3. Romance it up
A moving-in proposal can be as nerve-wracking as a marriage proposal. It’s halfway towards “I do” but not just yet. Some people just pop the question casually—during a dinner conversation, while driving, or even in the middle of sex! Level up your game by injecting some romance into the equation.
Romance leaves women starry-eyed and men feeling like they are Prince Charming incarnate. Propose to your partner. However, it should not be as grandiose as the proposals littering YouTube, but make it memorable. You don’t want to make the wrong impression and then disappoint your partner afterward.
Instead of a ring, place your house’s spare key in a box. Make it a treasure hunt game. Lay down a set of clues leading to the box. Watch your partner’s face light up when you ask, “Will you move in with me?”
4. Just be straightforward
The best way to bring up moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend is to just be honest with them. Tell them this is what you want, and you’re open to discussing your future plans with them.
Don’t be pushy or aggressive, and give them time to digest the question before giving you an answer. [Read: 39 signs he wants a serious, exclusive & committed relationship with you]
Questions to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend before moving in
So now you’re ready for that conversation. Here are a few questions to ask your boyfriend and girlfriend before moving in. [Read: 50 questions for a new relationship to predict your romantic future]
1. What’s your typical morning/night routine?
If their morning routine includes waking up at 5 AM and playing loud music while dancing in their room, there may be a big problem.
2. Are you able to help keep the apartment clean?
Let’s be honest, no matter how much you enjoy cleaning, you cannot keep cleaning after a lazy partner! You are not their housemaid! [Read: The things to do when your spouse is unemployed or lazy]
3. Are there any household chores you don’t enjoy doing?
If your partner doesn’t like washing the dishes, they can be in charge of doing laundry or taking out the trash. Make sure both of you are happy with your responsibilities at home.
4. Will you be able to pay your share of the bills on time monthly
Your partner should contribute if you two are moving in together. If you can afford to pay for everything while your partner looks for a job, they can take care of something else to share the responsibilities, like housework or cooking.
5. How often do you want to have guests over?
If your partner is a party person and you’re more staying in with a book, it’s going to be quite difficult to work it out. [Read: Can an introvert date an extrovert? How to balance the two worlds]
6. Are you okay with helping take care of the pets?
When you two move in together, their pets will also be your responsibility and vice versa. However, there will be a lot of issues if your partner is allergic to cats and you have four!
First time moving in with your boyfriend and girlfriend: Tips for a successful move
Is this your first time moving in with a partner? Do not worry! Here are some tips to ensure you’ll have a successful move.
1. Know each others’ goals with this move
First and foremost, always communicate. You two must understand each other inside out and know about each other’s goals with this move.
It wouldn’t be ideal if you’re expecting future plans while they just want someone to split the bills with.
2. Share any fears about moving in together
Moving in with your partner can be quite scary. But do not be afraid to tell your partner about your fears. Together, you can find solutions to overcome them. [Read: Why are women so emotional? 18 reasons they feel deeper than men]
3. Set boundaries
Living together does not mean you stop being an individual. Communicate your boundaries and respect theirs. Each of you should be able to spend time by yourself and do your own things sometimes. [Read: Healthy relationship boundaries – How to talk about them & set them]
4. Communicate and compromise
Once again, communication is key. You two may not agree on most things, but it doesn’t hurt to sit back and listen to your partner, understand the situation from their point of view, and compromise. [Read: 20 non-negotiables in relationships you shouldn’t ever compromise on]
5. Establish routines together
Now that you guys have shared responsibilities at home, it’s better to establish routines together. So if your partner has to wake up at 5 AM the next day for work, partying the night before won’t be a good idea.
6. Discuss financial matters
You still have rent and bills to pay, so make sure each of you does your part to contribute to your new life together. [Read: How to talk about money with your partner without fighting about it]
7. Delegate specific chores to each other
As mentioned above, discuss who will be responsible for which chore to avoid one person doing everything and cleaning after both.
[Read: 19 ways to pull back in a relationship when you’re giving too much]
Shacking up, moving in, living together, or cohabiting is a big step towards the development of any couple’s relationship. However, it cannot be done haphazardly. Before asking your partner to pack a bag and move in with you, make sure that you are ready for such a monumental step.
