Though everyone is willingly in the union, that doesn’t mean that jealousy in poly relationships doesn’t crop up occasionally. But, it can be dealt with.
Being in a poly relationship, contrary to popular belief, is actually a lot like being in a monogamous relationship. It’s just that instead of only two people being committed to each other, there are more people committed to making a relationship work instead. But, what do you do when jealousy in poly relationships rears its head?
There are a lot of people who definitely don’t want to be in a polygamous relationship. However, there are many who opt to live a life with multiple partners instead of just one. Many people even believe that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous and those people definitely have reason to believe that.
But, human nature often makes itself known when we don’t want it to. Attachment means jealousy occasionally. When you’re attached to someone and you see them with another person, the green-eyed monster may turn up unannounced.
If you’re in a poly relationship, you’re not excluded from this. But, how do you deal with it when it’s basically what you signed up for? [Read: What is polyamory and why are people switching to it?]
Humans are designed to have more than one partner
We’re not like swans. Human DNA tells us that we’re supposed to mate with different people. That’s why we find so many people attractive, and that’s why we get along with others so well. Do you wonder why some people just have too much trouble being monogamous? It could be because their instincts are too strong.
Think about it. Our species is meant to reproduce. And – for men especially – this is easier with multiple partners. Men can father countless children in their lifetime. This gene drives them to want more than just a single partner for life. However, our culture has adopted a different way of living. [Read: Could you actually be happy in a polyamorous relationship?]
Whether you believe that monogamy is the only way or poly is a great option, it’s a personal choice. You design how you live your life and what you deem to be acceptable to you.
What is a poly relationship?
If you’re unsure what the term actually means or there is some confusion, let’s break it down.
A poly relationship means that a person has more than one romantic partner and that everyone involved gives their consent and knows about every aspect of what is going on.
For instance, you may have an established couple who have been together a while and they decide to try polyamory. Both partners will have other relationships outside of the established one, and there will be no secrets kept from anyone. [Read: Polyamorous dating – Everything you need to know first]
It’s not about sleeping around or just being about sex, which is the central idea around an open relationship – you have one romantic partner and multiple sexual partners outside the primary relationship.
Poly relationships are romantic relationships with multiple partners.
For that reason, feelings get involved and that’s why jealousy in poly relationships may become an issue. This is more likely to be the case for people who are trying polyamory for the first time, but that doesn’t mean that long-time poly couples don’t experience it too.
If you don’t understand poly relationships, it’s easy to misunderstand. However, for those who find joy and happiness in them, it’s a way of life that brings real contentment and fulfillment.
Jealousy in poly relationships – how can it work out?
As you can imagine, we remain monogamous because we have a very strong feeling of possessiveness. You could argue that what’s ours is ours, and nobody else can have it. This can form a lot of jealousy, and just because people choose to be in a relationship with more than one person, it’s not because they don’t feel jealousy.
This emotion is definitely present in a poly relationship – just like any other relationship. And while it can be difficult to deal with, people still manage to do it. But how they manage it may be different than you’d imagine. Here’s how lovers handle jealousy in a poly relationship. [Read: How to deal with jealousy in a relationship and learn to overcome it]
1. Communication comes first
The key to any relationship is to communicate – but this is even more important in a poly relationship. For everyone to seek attention and make sure they’re getting their time with each other, you have to communicate in order to prevent jealousy.
Not only that, but when jealousy does become a factor, communication can help clear the air. You have to first talk about your issues before they can be resolved. Making sure everyone is aware of the issue is the first step to dealing with jealousy in poly relationships. [Read: Why am I so jealous? 8 ways to recognize the signs and fix it]
2. Everyone has to get along
There’s a reason poly relationships work out so well. Everyone has to get along before agreeing to enter the arrangement. Everyone has to be able to communicate and care about one another before even getting into the relationship.
So, when jealousy is present in the relationship, it’s easier for them to talk about it and come to a conclusion. If they didn’t all get along, it would make things that much more difficult. And while jealousy seems like it has to do with other people, it’s more to do with the person who is jealous than anyone else. [Read: Is monogamy for you? How to know your needs and what works for you]
3. Jealousy in poly relationships has to be acknowledged
When you’re in a polyamorous relationship, you can’t just let your emotions get bottled up. Imagine if everyone was harboring toxic emotions and never letting them out until they just couldn’t take it anymore?
The truth is that you have to acknowledge the jealousy. You can’t just ignore if one person is acting jealous. In a poly relationship, it’ll only work and be successful if all emotions are acknowledged and validated. [Read: Polyromantic relationships – A guide to simplifying a confusing label]
4. Lashing out at another person is avoided
We can’t say that this never happens, but the only way poly relationships become successful is when nobody lashes out and freaks out on another because they’re jealous. Instead of doing this, they confront each other maturely to discuss it.
If everyone who was unhappy just started yelling at one another, there would be a never-ending argument within the relationship. Nobody wants a relationship that is plagued with fights. [Read: Relationship arguments – 27 do’s and don’ts to remember]
5. The bigger issue is focused on
Jealousy isn’t usually the only thing going on in a relationship. If there’s jealousy, there are often many other issues going on. The reason a poly relationship can be successful despite jealousy is that they solve the root cause of the problem.
Everyone looks at that jealousy, and then at their own actions. They consider that maybe there’s something more going on to cause the jealousy, and they work on fixing that problem first.
6. When dealing with jealousy in poly relationships, validation is given to all parties
Another reason polyamorous relationships work even if there is jealousy present is that they all work hard to make sure everyone is feeling loved and appreciated.
Everyone chips in and validates each other. They make sure that their needs are met, and this not only gets rid of jealousy, but it also prevents it. [Read: Threesome tips – 20 things you need to know before entering]
7. The reasons for polyamory are revisited
It’s easy to get jealous when someone you care about is being intimate with someone else. It’s kind of hardwired in our brains to get a little upset about it.
But those in a poly relationship make sure to reiterate why it is they chose that path versus a monogamous relationship. Usually, re-discovering why you chose to have a relationship like that will help ease the jealousy and form an understanding. [Read: Types of relationships – 26 ways to define your love life]
8. Everyone is treated equally
This is a huge thing to remember about poly relationships. This isn’t just a monogamous couple who have decided to have a “side person” join their mix. This is a polyamorous relationship where everyone involved is treated with equal love and respect.
That’s why they work despite jealousy getting in the way occasionally. When everyone feels like they have an equal say in different matters and are treated equally, it’s easier to talk through problems and have vulnerable discussions. [Read: Open relationships and why so many couples find it perfect]
9. Everyone continues to work in order to provide love and attention
Nobody in a poly relationship is lazy. Each person is putting in a lot of effort to make their lifestyle choice work. They’re all trying to make each other feel good about themselves and loved.
Without that constant effort, jealousy can rear its ugly head time and time again. So, the reason poly relationships work even though jealousy comes up from time to time is that they all put forth the effort to make it successful.
10. Nobody is left behind
Jealousy in poly relationships happens far more than you might think. But, it doesn’t have to derail a relationship because, in the end, everyone is committed to loving and caring for one another.
Jealousy is a natural human emotion and if having more than one mate is natural too, then both are going to happen occasionally.
Talking about things, remembering why you chose this type of lifestyle, and ensuring that everyone is given the same amount of time and attention is key. Nobody should be left behind and that’s one of the main focuses of a poly relationship. [Read: 15 open relationship rules for a better love life]
But what if jealousy in poly relationships doesn’t go away?
The poly lifestyle means that there are going to be multiple relationships going on simultaneously. That means you’re going to form connections and emotions related to more than one person.
But, if you find that you’re becoming more attached to one person and you’re experiencing jealousy whenever you see them with someone else, that’s a problem. If you can’t overcome it with the measures above and you find that the issue just doesn’t go away, maybe it’s that polyamory just isn’t for you.
That’s not a failing or a weakness at all. Polyamory isn’t for everyone, just as monogamy isn’t either. But, if you’re constantly feeling jealous whenever you see this person with someone else and they’re fully committed to the poly relationship, you’re just going to wind up broken-hearted time and time again. [Read: How to know when a relationship isn’t working]
The bottom line is that if one person in the relationship isn’t happy, the entire union will be thrown out of whack. People will read body language and vibes and the entire situation may slowly become toxic. If you can’t overcome it, then you have to get out of it. It’s really that simple.
The way we see love and relationships sometimes changes. We evolve as people and our opinions and views change over time. The moment you realize that this lifestyle just isn’t for you anymore, you have to sit down and talk to everyone concerned.
But, if you feel that by following the advice above, you can overcome the jealousy you’re feeling, it could catapult your relationship to a deeper and more solid place.
[Read: In love with two people? How to make it work with both partners]
People who don’t understand a poly relationship may have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that they can be successful despite jealousy. But once you understand jealousy in poly relationships, and learn to overcome it while keeping the benefits in mind, you can have a perfectly happy relationship that can last a lifetime.
