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How to Know If You are Gay: All the Signs You Can’t Ignore

People have strong opinions about what makes someone gay. What the science tells us is that it is not a choice. Here’s how to know if you are gay.

how to know if you are gay

In the movie, 40-year-old Virgin, the main characters were playing video games and messing around with each other. Like “Yo mama” jokes, they went through a series of “you know how I know you’re gay” comments that had most of us crying we were laughing so hard. If you are struggling with the question of how to know if you are gay, however, it is no laughing matter.

Am I gay? How to know if you are gay

Being gay is much more acceptable in today’s world, but it doesn’t come without its own set of consequences. Not everyone is comfortable admitting what they feel inside, especially if it is going to turn your world upside down.

The problem is that if you are gay and you are denying it to the world, you are denying who you are to yourself. And being your genuine self is the only way to live this life to its fullest.

How to know if you are gay… 11 tell tale signs

If you are afraid of being honest with yourself or those around you, fear not. Those who love you will love you no matter who you love. It may be a bit hard for them to come to terms with it at first, but they will come around.

If you are ready to explore the potential that you are gay, you may want to look at these 11 signs that may signal that you have feelings for the same sex. [Read: 20 almost-sure signs your boyfriend is gay]

#1 When you dream of sex, it typically isn’t heterosexual. When it comes to sex, there is nothing that is “normal.” If you have same-sex dreams or fantasies, that does not make you gay.

If you find that the only time you get turned on is when thinking about people of the same sex, it may be a sign that your sexual preference might be gay. This is definitely how to know if you are gay.

#2 You haven’t ever had a crush on someone of the opposite sex. If you haven’t ever found someone of the opposite sex who makes your heart go pitter-patter, then that may be a signal of something more than not finding the right “one.”

We all have a sexual drive built-in, and if yours isn’t ever signaling you of being in love, then you may be suppressing your real feelings about what turns you on and makes your heart soar -consciously or subconsciously.

#3 You feel nothing when you are affectionate with those of the opposite sex. If having sex feels more like going through the motions, or you have to fantasize about someone of the same sex to get aroused, then there may be something driving your lack of enthusiasm.

Sexual desire is something that we can’t simply turn on and turn off whenever we feel like it. If you don’t get that loving feeling in relations with people of the opposite sex, then you might be gay.

#4 You have a special friend who makes you feel all tingly. We all get bromance crushes, or new girlfriend crushes every once in a while. When we find someone that we just click with, it can sometimes feel a little similar to being in love.

But, if you have someone in your life who makes you feel a little tingly when you are out having fun, and find yourself day dreaming about them, that is something more than just “friend crush.” You may be attracted to them in more than a “friend” way. [Read: The perks and un-perks of coming out of the closet]

#5 You are very uncomfortable around homosexual people. Thou doest protest too much. If you have an extreme homophobia, demean homosexual people, or simply can’t be comfortable around someone you know is gay like it is going to rub off on you, then you may have a problem with questions of your own sexuality.

If you know who you are and what turns you on, then you shouldn’t really care about what anyone else does in the bedroom besides you and who you choose to be with.

#6 You avoid being alone with people you are dating. This is an obvious signal when figuring out how to know if you are gay. There are sometimes when being with someone you are dating *and you haven’t had sex with yet* can be intimidating.

But, if you are dating someone, and you find that you are using every excuse not to find yourself in a compromising position with them, then it may just be a problem of chemistry with that person. [Read: What is it really like to have a lesbian experience?]

However, if it is a consistent theme but you have always thought that it was a fear of commitment, you may want to re-think it. A fear of commitment has nothing to do with sex. People avoid sex because there is no desire that drives them to want to engage in sexual activity.

#7 You see sex as a conquer quest. If you have slept with everything that moves – literally – and your only intention of being with someone from the opposite sex is to love them, leave them, and put another notch on your bedpost, then you may be trying to prove something not to your friends, but to yourself.

Each new person you are with confirms that you love having sex. But, have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you need constant confirmation? Why do you need to prove it to anyone unless maybe you are having doubts?

#8 You have friends and family who wouldn’t approve. What would your family and friends say if you told them that you were gay? If you come from a deeply religious or conservative background and know that being homosexual simply was not acceptable, it is a valid reason to examine your true inner feelings.

You can’t live the rest of your life being afraid of who you are, or hiding your feelings for fear of rejection. When figuring out how to know if you are gay, this can be a big factor for most people. [Read: Top gay-friendly vacation hot spots on earth]

#9 You feel like you always have a secret. Even if you don’t know why you can’t let the real you shine, there is something that makes you feel like a fake, and you can’t put your finger on it.

If you have characteristics and thoughts that you feel may pass over into the realm of being gay *and feel like you are keeping it a secret*, maybe it is time to explore what is really going on and who you are inside.

#10 Your experimentation has become an obsession. Many people go through phases in their lives where they experiment with sex. If you have had a homosexual experimentation, that doesn’t necessarily make you gay or even bi-sexual.

If you have been experimenting for quite some time and feel more comfortable in that role, then you just might be gay. [Read: Sure ways to tell if you’re really bi-curious]

#11 You’ve never felt like your friends. When your friends were all starting to talk about people from the opposite sex, you didn’t get it. You just always figured you were a late bloomer and that when the right girl *or guy* came along, you would get those magical feelings.

But they just haven’t happened. If you are still waiting for your sexuality to kick in, you may be denying the true feelings inside because you are fearful of being who you really are.

Being gay is much more acceptable than any other time in modern history, but for some, it is still not an easy thing to tell people in your life or to admit to yourself. Sometimes it is easier to play the role that everyone wants you to play, than to be your genuine self. [Read: Dating a bisexual – things you should never say]

If you want to figure out how to know if you are gay, then it is something that you need to explore for yourself. No fear, no denial. Take some real time for introspection and find out what makes you happy.

There is no defining characteristic that makes you gay. It isn’t about having a lisp, wanting to skip instead of run, having an immaculate apartment, or being overly sensitive. It is about a chemical reaction that you have to those around you.

[Read: Reasons lesbian porn is way hotter than regular porn]

If you’re still not sure how to know if you are gay, maybe it is time to explore the options of living out your desires and see where they take you.

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Julie Keating
A writer isn’t born, but created out of experiences. No lack of subject matter, my life reads more like fiction than anything that could have been imagined in...
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