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Demisexual: What It Means, How They Feel Lust & Ways to Connect Deeply

Being demisexual can be difficult to explain in a sex-focused world. Find out how demisexuality works and how you can connect with a demisexual.


If you’ve never heard of the sexuality of demisexual, you’re not alone. Many people are unaware of this type of sexuality, and there’s nothing wrong with asking questions to educate yourself. The truth is, there is so much about sexuality that we have yet to learn. It can be really confusing knowing all the different types.

Demisexuals, in particular, are their own kind of unique. Oftentimes, those who are demisexual don’t realize it. Many think they’re actually asexual for a very long time. It’s a thin line between the two of them.

[Read: Dating, relationship & sexual bases: 11 common terms & their meaning]

What is demisexuality

If you’ve made it this far and are clueless as to what being demisexual is, this article will provide you with the most basic information. Demisexuality is basically when someone never feels a sexual desire for a person unless they connect with them deeply on an emotional level. That means people who are demisexual oftentimes don’t lust for people often. They don’t feel a sexual desire for someone just based on their appearance alone. [Read: Emotional intimacy Vs. sexual intimacy – which comes first?]

Discovering your sexuality can be harder than you realize

For many of us, we only really knew of a few sexualities growing up. There was straight, bisexual, or gay and lesbian. As it turns out, there are far more sexual orientations than just those.

That’s why it can be extra hard to figure out just where you fall. For those with a particularly unique sexuality, it can be even more difficult. Among those is demisexuality. Although this sexuality is becoming more and more known and accepted, it’s still very confusing to most – even if they identify this way. [Read: Definition of queer – What does it really mean?]

Am I demisexual?

It’s okay to be confused and question your own identity. You don’t even have to label yourself if you’re not comfortable, but if you’re suspecting that you may be demisexual, it’s not difficult to find out.

There are many online tests that can help you identify yourself. However, if you don’t want so much complication, here are a few questions you can ask yourself to be sure.

[Read: Coming out of the closet: 20 steps to open a new life door]

1. Who are you sexually attracted to?

Think about the people you’re sexually attracted to. How do these people make you feel? What do you think they all have in common? If most of them are just random people you don’t know personally, you’re probably not demisexual. But if you’ve only ever been sexually attracted to people you’ve emotionally connected with, you know what you are!

[Read: In a relationship but sexually attracted to someone else: Why it happens]

2. Do you feel sexual attraction?

How frequently? How strong is the feeling? Contrary to asexuality, people who are demisexual are capable of feeling sexual attraction but only after an emotional connection was formed. [Read: How to read the signs your girlfriend isn’t sexually attracted to you]

3. How important is sexual attraction in determining who you want to date?

“Demi” means half, so a demisexual can be half asexual and half sexual. So if you are demisexual, sexual attraction won’t be the factor to determine who you want to date. However, you’re not afraid of sex nor have a low sex drive. When you’re in a sexual relationship with someone, your sex drive may vary. [Read: 27 signs a woman is attracted to you sexually & wants to get closer]

4. Do you feel sexual attraction to people you don’t know?

Demisexuals don’t feel this initial sexual attraction to strangers or new people they meet. Forming and emotional bond also doesn’t guarantee that sexual attraction will develop, but the bond is necessary for this to happen. [Read: Danger, danger! You’re suddenly sexually attracted to a friend?!]

How do demisexuals feel lust

As mentioned before, demisexuals don’t feel sexual desire for people based on how they look. Sure, they recognize when someone is really attractive and good-looking, but they don’t want to hop into bed with them.

The way this sexuality works is based on emotional intimacy and connection. They have to know you very well and like you deeply as a person. Only then can they feel sexually aroused by someone.

Keep in mind, however, that there are different spectrums on which being demisexual works and those who identify this way may experience different things. [Read: Lust or love? How to tell the difference]

Opposite of demisexual (fraysexuality)

So, you may wonder, what is the opposite of demisexual? Well, it’s fraysexuality. This term refers to people who are attracted to strangers or people they don’t know very well. This sexual attraction tends to decrease as time goes on and they learn more about this person.

One thing fraysexuality and demisexuality have in common is that they both fall along the asexuality spectrum as it describes an experience that is beyond the ‘standard way’. A fraysexual may lose interest in sex with someone once they’ve got to know the person more, however, this does not mean they’ll lose romantic interest as well.

Demisexual flag

The flag for demisexuality is an adaptation of the asexual flag. There’s a black triangle on the left pointing inward towards the center with three horizontal stripes that are white, purple, and gray. [Read: How to tell if someone is asexual: 5 hints they’re not into sex]

How to connect with a demisexual deeply

If you really like someone who is demisexual, you’ll want to know how to connect with them deeply. In order to further your relationship, here are some tips for getting to know them on a deeper level. [Read: 22 second date tips & rules to get to know each other & fall harder]

1. Become friends with them first

This is the absolute most important thing you can do if you want to connect with someone who’s demisexual. They don’t go from meeting a stranger right into a relationship with them. You have to be friends first.

Most – if not all – relationships with demisexuals start off as friendships. They need to be friends with you and get to enjoy your company platonically before they can start to see you as more. So aim to be friends first – nothing more. [Read: How to be friends and have a perfectly platonic relationship]

2. Show them who you truly are on a deep level

If you’re not the type who can really open up and be yourself around people, it’ll be hard to connect with someone who’s demisexual. They can’t think of you romantically unless they know you.

They can’t form a bond with someone they know nothing about. For that reason, you need to open up. Show them who you are on a deeper level. Tell them your secrets and your deepest desires. Get raw and real with them. [Read: 18 ways to get to know a guy better before you decide to date him]

3. Ask them meaningful life questions

At the same time, you have to get to know them deeply too. If you only ask shallow questions, you’ll never know each other.

So make sure you ask them personal questions. They need to be meaningful and life-oriented. Dig deep and figure out what makes them tick. [Read: 30 deep questions to ask someone]

4. Turn on the romance

Romance is definitely something a person who is demisexual can relate to. They may not want to strip off your clothes at first, but if you turn up the romance, they’ll start to see you more intimately.

Romance helps to show your interest and make them see that you care. The best part about romance is that you can do it in a non-sexual way. [Read: How to be subtly romantic]

5. Show your commitment

If you’re really into this person, show them how much. Be there for them as a friend and have their back. Support them and build them up. This type of commitment will help forge a stronger bond between you two and that’s exactly what someone who is demisexual needs to feel attraction.

[Read: Fear of commitment: 47 signs, whys & ways to get over your phobia]

6. Take things slow and have patience

This is a huge takeaway here. If you want to build a connection with a demisexual, you have to do it slowly. You need to be patient. It can take a long time for someone to get to know you deeply and to feel that emotional attraction.

Be patient and remember that it can take some time. It may be frustrating if you really, really like this person, but if you want to be with them, you have to slow it down. [Read: How to take things slow in a relationship]

7. Never push the physical intimacy

This should be a no-brainer, but it needs to be said. If someone doesn’t want to get physically intimate with you, don’t push it. They might not want to at that moment, but could eventually. However, if you push the topic and try too soon, it could ruin things for you. Let them make the moves.

[Read: Types of touches: The 36 physical touches we use & what they mean]

8. Be open-minded about how they feel

If you’re not demisexual, it can be very hard to understand where they’re coming from. You don’t feel the way they do, but that’s okay. As long as you’re open-minded and can be empathetic, they’ll see that. Try your best to understand how they feel and be respectful of that.

[Read: 12 stages of physical intimacy as you go from strangers to lovers]

9. Communicate with them openly

Communication is a huge part of connecting with someone whose demisexual. Without it, you won’t ever get there. Keep talking with them and telling them how you feel. Talk about life with them. Communicate everything you can.

When you have that open line of communication, they’ll also feel more comfortable with you. And when there’s a level of comfort, there’s a level of emotional intimacy. Make sure they have the ability to talk openly with you. [Read: Your guide for effective and open communication]

10. Remember that it’s not the same for them

You may have a serious physical attraction to someone who’s demisexual and might not be able to understand why they don’t feel the same. It has nothing to do with the way you look. It has nothing to do with the fact that they don’t think you’re attractive.

Remember that it’s not the same for them. They just can’t physically feel turned on by you unless they feel an emotional attraction first. If that connection is there, then they can start thinking about you sexually.

[Read: 8 ways to build an emotional connection with someone you like]

Demisexuality FAQs

Now that you know the basics of demisexuality. Have a look at these frequently asked questions!

1. What is the difference between demisexual and graysexual?

Some people think they are the same, but they’re quite different. While demisexuals only experience sexual attraction after forming an emotional connection with someone, graysexuals experience this some of the time, and sometimes not at all. Their sexual attraction level could fall anywhere from “only sometimes” to “only enjoying sex in specific circumstances.”

So, you can say that anyone who is demisexual is graysexual, but not everyone who’s graysexual is demisexual. [Read: Romantic orientation: The most common ones all of us must know]

2. What does it mean to be demiromantic?

Maybe you’ve come across the term “demiromantic” but don’t know what it means. Well, a demiromantic person only develop romantic feelings for another person once they’ve made a strong emotional connection.

If you are demiromantic, you may have a hard time falling in love, and you’ve never had a crush on someone you barely know. [Read: List of sexualities: 15 gender orientations you need to know about]

3. Difference between demisexual and pansexual?

In order to know the answer, you must first know what pansexuality is. It’s the sexual attraction to people regardless of gender. Panromantic is having the ability to feel romantic attraction regardless of gender. You don’t need a strong emotional tie like a demisexual to be sexually attracted to someone.

[Read: Pansexual vs. Bisexual: All the ways to tell the real difference]

4. Can you be a straight demisexual?

Yes, of course you can! Demisexuals can be straight, gay, bisexual, or pansexual, and may have any gender identity.

5. Why does demisexuality need a label?

So if you can be anything, why need a label? Well, having a label provides demisexuals with a community of people who they can relate to and identify with. This helps them feel more secure and realize they are not alone.

6. What are the misconceptions about demisexuality?

There are several misconceptions about demisexuality. The five most damaging misconceptions are that they are sex-averse, demisexuality is the same as celibacy, it’s a response to sexual trauma, demisexuals are afraid of intimacy, and that they never have sex.

7. How to be supportive of demisexuals in your life?

You can show support to demisexuals in your life by reading and sharing articles to help yourself and others learn more about demisexuality. You can talk to the demisexuals you know and encourage them to share their life stories so you can understand them better.

It’s important to understand that they don’t have to “come out” unless they want to. After all, it is their choice. If you truly care about someone, their sexual orientation should not matter.

If the person you’re into is demisexual, you can’t just rush into things. With these tips, we hope you can understand them better and work toward being with them at their speed.

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Bella Pope LovePanky
Annabel Rodgers
Annabel is a lifestyle writer, cheese enthusiast (Wisconsin native over here) and fantasy adventure author-in-progress who enjoys all things love, dog,...