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Wedding Night Woes: When Sex Isn’t on the Menu

Think your wedding night will be all about sex? The truth is you might prefer to take a nap or open cards than get hot and heavy between the sheets.

no sex on wedding night

Whether your new wife has her period, or you’re both just too exhausted to get down and dirty, there are dozens of things you could be doing on your wedding night that may not have anything to do with sex. [Read: 20 reasons to get married and live happily ever after]

The unfortunate truth is that weddings, while fun and special and all that jazz, are also incredibly exhausting, both emotionally and physically. Dancing all night, imbibing alcohol, feasting to your hearts’ delight, and not to mention the seemingly endless social pleasantries you must exchange as the new Mr. and Mrs. can be draining.

This doesn’t mean you won’t have sex on your wedding night. However, if you’re hoping your wedding sex will be the epitome of romantic, candle-lit love making, you may have another thing coming.

What else is there to do on your wedding night?

Here’s a list of 10 things you might be doing on your wedding night instead of consummating your nuptials.

#1 Ordering takeout. So you made sure you had the biggest, wildest buffet dinner at your wedding, complete with baby shrimp and five different kinds of pasta. So are you starving post-reception party? The truth is you’ll likely have been too stressed out or too busy being approached by your lovely guests as you’re sitting down to dinner to actually enjoy any of it.

Stress, alcohol, and booty-shaking on the dance floor may all attribute to your grumbling stomach at the end of the night. Instead of making sweet married love in your fancy hotel room, you may just find yourself sneaking in a large pizza!

#2 Budgeting. Doesn’t exactly sound romantic, does it? Unfortunately, you may find yourself working out the budget of your “Best Day Ever,” even into the wee hours of the night. Paying off your reception bills such as booze, the photography, and the food are all important factors in keeping your finances straight, but hey, this is your wedding night, make sure you guys get a little snuggle-time in there somewhere too.

#3 Opening cards and presents *with glee, we might add!* If you’re a curious couple or if you’re just starting out, you may let those cards and presents get the better of you. Those who took the card box or a few select gifts back to the hotel with them may just find, instead of testing their love-making skills, they’re opening cards, separating money, and making lists of all their lovely presents.

Don’t confuse things, this is absolutely a fun and exciting part of the race back home. Seeing who left you what and which friend or relative left their patently hilarious comment in your congratulatory card can be great fun, when mixed with a little champagne. Don’t let your champagne buzz make you forget to take notes on who gave you what, otherwise this can turn Thank-You cards into a nightmare!

#4 Looking at pictures. If you’re the type of couple who pulls out their iPhones every free minute they have, the truth is you may be more inclined to check your Instagram wedding hashtag to see what drunken uncle Jack posted, rather than jumping between the bed-sheets. Jokes aside, checking out your wedding photos can be a fun and touching experience, but you may want to wait until the night isn’t still fresh in your mind, or at least until the next morning, to start reliving it.

#5 Watching TV. After your hectic night, you may just unwind with a little TV, or watch shows via your laptop or tablet. This may seem like the epitome of romance going out the window, but don’t underestimate how zonked you’ll be by the end of the night. Chilling out with a little background noise may be exactly what you need after your big day.

#6 Making arrangements for your honeymoon. If you have a quick plane to catch the next morning for your honeymoon, you might just end up spending the night packing up last-minute belongings and vehemently checking your smartphone for travel confirmations and booking arrangements.

#7 Passing out or sobering up. Hopefully, you’re not the type who would get absolutely smashed at their own wedding. Getting a fun buzz can amplify the reception experience for some, but getting black-out drunk on the day you committed your life to your partner is definitely not a memory-maker. Regardless, you may just find yourself passing out on your fancy hotel bed, before you ever get the chance to unbuckle your belt.

#8 Exploring your gigantic shower. Much of the time in your new, fancy hotel room may actually be spent exploring before you hit the hay. Fancy, modern hotels offer a wide variety of gadgets and amenities that get some hotel-goers excited.

Oversized, all glass showers, in-room Jacuzzi’s, futuristic doors, and fancy fridge food may all hold your attention longer than a little bit of nookie will. After all, when’s the next time you’ll get to bathe in a 10-man shower? If you’re smart, you’ll wrap the showering and the naughty fun up into one big bow. [Read: 50 kinky ideas to try out at the honeymoon suite]

#9 Going home. The truth is, some people can’t afford to get a big hotel room at the end of their already expensive wedding. Furthermore, some couples will already be living together and may already have children by the time they get married.

If this is your case, you may be more concerned about getting home to your kids, instead of spending the night away from them. Whether you can’t afford it, or couldn’t find a babysitter for the night, you may find the less romantic option of heading on home the most appealing.

#10 Just talking. This is one of the most ideal options, if you’re forgoing the sex for the evening. Odds are the day has been long and a lot has happened, especially if you followed tradition and didn’t see each other the night before. This is a great opportunity as a new husband and wife to catch up and swap stories. This is also a great chance to talk about all of the things you feel and treasure now that you are married. [Read: 12 things couples talk about to feel closer]

Just because you had a busy night getting married, doesn’t mean you won’t be shagging when you get some down-time. But don’t sweat it if you’re both too tired to get down and dirty. Don’t put too much pressure on the whole night. After all, you have the rest of your lives to get it on, but you only have one wedding night.

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Waverly Smith
Waverly Smith is a freelance writer who has been getting paid for spreading her sarcastic take on love, life, and sex since 2010. She is many things that people...
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