If you are a person who lives to keep others happy, then you probably have a martyr complex. Find out if you are a martyr and what you can do about it.
Women are often pleasers by nature. Some of us more than others! And those people might have a martyr complex.
Women have empathy and compassion possibly more heightened than men. Many put their family, friends, and even strangers’ needs ahead of their own, choosing to be the selfless martyr.
When you think of a martyr complex or martyr syndrome, you likely think of just one definition. In reality, there are many.
What is a martyr?
A martyr, according to Merriam-Webster, is “a person who is killed or who suffers greatly for a religion, cause, etc.” Another definition, which is not so empathetic or complementary, is “a person who pretends to suffer or who exaggerates suffering in order to get sympathy.”
Additionally, there is one more nuanced definition of the martyr complex because it is something much more complicated. Those of us who suffer, always sacrificing ourselves, do so with a dual purpose.
We feel an obligation to help others, but all the while, want to believe that we are kind people. If we don’t give in or sacrifice ourselves, there is a hidden fear that we aren’t the great people we want to believe ourselves to be. [Read: How to feel good about yourself and kick ass in life]
What is the martyr complex?
The simplest definition of a person suffering from the martyr complex is someone who actively looks for opportunities to suffer through an emotionally painful experience, to help someone else.
It sounds like a really noble and selfless thing to do. But rarely do people with the martyr complex behave as they do for purely selfless reasons.
Even those who die for religion, do so to earn their place in heaven, don’t they? So, what is it that we gain when we behave as a martyr?
We get the privilege of being better than others, and subconsciously believe we deserve to be liked. [Read: How to care less and stop giving a damn what people think]
Why do people have martyr complexes?
Most people with martyr complexes develop them in childhood. In many types of families and cultures, martyrdom is encouraged, expected, and valued – especially in women.
For example, they may have been taught by their parents that they need to take care of them or another member of the family to make them feel better. And if they don’t do that, then there will be negative consequences for the child.
The parents might withhold affection, give them the silent treatment, or otherwise emotionally abuse the child.
When things like this happen, the child doesn’t feel valued for the person they are – only for what they can do for their parents or other people. [Read: When people use you – stop being a doormat and feel in control again]
This, in turn, leads to low self-esteem and self-worth that continues into adulthood. Saying no to other people makes them feel guilty and bad about themselves. That’s why they continue to say “yes” to everyone and everything.
And deep inside, the person is afraid no one will love them if they do anything to displease another person. They think that love is conditional, and they need to earn other people’s love.
Martyr as an insult
These days, if someone called you a martyr, don’t feel flattered. In almost all instances, when someone is called a martyr, people associate the word with a person showing the signs of martyr syndrome.
A person who actively looks for people to help, and then gets hurt when their efforts aren’t extolled and honored. [Read: 25 signs of covert narcissism and the games they play]
When you give in to people continually, they lose respect for you. If you don’t put yourself first, then why should anyone else?
It’s not as if people will consciously disrespect you. They will just begin to take for granted that your needs are less than theirs.
The more they take, the more upset you get. Before you know it, you begin thinking that other people are ungrateful and take advantage of you. [Read: 16 reasons why you’re always being taken for granted by others]
The truth is, you set the tone. You create your own situation. That’s because you aren’t respecting yourself.
If you look at your life, then you might recognize that you are a lifetime martyr, peacemaker, errand runner, the first person on everyone’s list when they had a “to-do.”
You might play the victim, all by your own effort, and suffer through a martyr complex because you aren’t being appreciated for what you are doing for others.
How to recognize the signs of the martyr complex
If you try, you can pinpoint behaviors in your life that led you down the road to resentment and self-depreciation. There are signs you may be playing the martyr to your own detriment.
If you do any of the following self-defeating behaviors, you’re looking for the wrong type of validation. And chances are, you too, are suffering from the martyr complex. [Read: 20 signs you’re a people pleaser but just don’t see it yourself]
1. You are often upset by the reaction of others when you do things for them
Often, we do things for people thinking we do them just to be nice. After we do them, we are disappointed at their reaction. There is a level of gratitude those with the martyr complex expect.
We wholeheartedly do it just to be nice, but unconsciously, we hope something will come from it. You expect either adoration, people to think you are nice, or remembering all that you sacrificed to help them out.
When you have the martyr complex, you may act like your favors are no big deal but are then shocked when those you help aren’t overly thankful. [Read: Attention seekers and why they go looking for drama]
2. You say yes when you would rather say no
A martyr complex says yes even when they want to say no. You constantly put others before yourself. What that creates is a chaotic, unsettled, and stressful life.
Although thinking you’re helping others out, you always put yourself in a position that makes you behave hurriedly, stressed out, and upset.
To others, you appear to be aloof and perpetually short-tempered, which is the exact opposite of the way you want others to see you. [Read: Stop pleasing people, learn to say no, and start feeling awesome instead]
3. You make friends with people that others can’t get along with
Those with a martyr complex constantly seek acceptance. You go out of your way not just for those you love, but for anyone you attempt to engage.
When someone doesn’t pay attention to you or acknowledge you, you work extra hard to win them over. That includes finding those people with the toughest personalities to appease.
Finding a diamond in the rough, you always go for the most distant, withdrawn, and difficult person in the crowd.
After all, pleasing these tough nuts and playing a martyr makes the effort seem a lot harder. And in turn, you hope for a lot more gratitude. [Read: 10 Tips for setting boundaries with difficult people]
4. You say yes even when you don’t intend to follow through, then make excuses
A person who is a martyr often says yes with no intention of following through. Saying no is such a difficult thing that you say yes at any cost. A self-fulfilling prophecy, you can’t possibly be in two places at one time.
Instead of being the sacrificing person you want to be, what you become is someone unreliable or uncaring. Feeling like your heart was in the right place, you don’t take responsibility for letting someone down or not following through.
when you think you must sacrifice yourself for others, you usually end up being viewed less favorably than if you had just said you couldn’t or didn’t want to do something. [Read: The signs you’re an attention seeker even if you don’t realize it]
5. If you say no, you worry someone won’t like you
You think people like you not for who you are, but for what you do for them. If you do things simply to get people to like you, then you sacrifice yourself without reason.
People should like you not because you put them in front of yourself, but because you have value and bring something to the table.
6. You do things for other people even though you don’t feel appreciated
Human beings are inherently selfish. So, if there is someone who will do things for you that you don’t want to do yourself, you will probably be fine with that.
You feel relieved that someone else is doing your “dirty work.” [Read: How to stop being taken for granted in relationships – 15 strong ways]
But if you have a martyr complex, those kinds of people make you feel very unappreciated. And that’s probably because you are.
They take you for granted and don’t ever see the value in what you do for them. But a person who is a martyr will do it anyway.
7. You often try to do too much
Because you don’t know how to say no, you put too much on your plate in life.
When people ask you to do favors – or even if they don’t ask you at all – you do it, and you do it all. This fills up your calendar and overwhelms you. [Read: How to live a simple life and 17 steps to find joy in slowing down]
After all, there are only 24 hours in a day, so you are limited in what you can accomplish. You still need to eat and sleep.
But if you find yourself sacrificing your time for the benefit of others, then you probably have a martyr complex.
8. The people you spend time with make you feel bad about yourself
If you surrounded yourself with people who appreciate you and don’t take advantage of you, then you wouldn’t have to do everything for them.
They would naturally see the value in the things you do for them, and they would reciprocate. [Read: Low self-worth – 5 steps to see yourself in a better light]
But someone who has a martyr complex surrounds themselves with people who take them for granted. As a result, they feel bad about themselves.
And then it’s like a vicious circle. In order to feel better about themselves, the martyr just keeps giving to other people.
9. You consistently feel dissatisfied with your job or relationships
A martyr is a martyr in all areas of their life. It’s not like they’re just a martyr with their significant other or family member. They are martyrs with everyone. [Read: 15 Types of toxic relationships, what causes them, and how to get out]
So, if you feel unsatisfied with pretty much everyone in your life, then the problem is you. Not that they are great people for taking advantage of you, but you are allowing it. So, this negative feeling permeates all parts of your life.
10. You have a pattern of taking care of others in relationships
You are constantly on the lookout for other people’s needs and how to fulfill them. It’s like you have a special antenna for what others are thinking or feeling. So, you do all you can to take care of them.
The problem is that this comes at the expense of your own needs. In fact, you probably don’t even know what your needs are.
You spend all your time focused on other people so that it doesn’t even occur to you to look at yourself. [Read: Are you a giver who is feeling unappreciated in a relationship?]
Why is having a martyr complex harmful?
At first glance, the actions of a martyr sound great. They sound like loving, kind, and giving people. And that’s true. But it can be harmful to be that way too. Here’s why.
1. Strained relationships
Because the martyr is always giving and other people are always taking, this puts strain on their relationships.
People in their life don’t appreciate or respect them. And as a result, the martyr eventually becomes resentful, and it puts a large strain on all of their relationships. [Read: 21 Secret signs of a bad relationship that signal a bad future ahead]
2. Burnout
When the martyr fills up their daily schedule with fulfilling the needs of others, they will get burned out.
Human beings only have so much physical and emotional energy. And when it’s constantly being sucked out of them, then they will hit a wall from exhaustion.
3. Lack of positive change
When the martyr has strained relationships and burnout, then there needs to be a change. They may or may not consciously know that. [Read: 17 Life secrets to smile more often, feel great, and laugh your stress away]
And either way, they usually don’t take any steps to change their behavior. When that doesn’t happen, the pattern continues to just spiral downward.
How to stop being a martyr and put your martyr complex in its tracks
Just like any habit, being a martyr is something that can be changed. That doesn’t mean that it’s easy. It will take some effort, but it is so worth it in the long run.
Here’s how you can stop being a martyr.
1. Make time for self-care
Make a commitment only to do things that not only make others feel good, but that makes you happy too. [Read: 34 Life-changing steps to fall in love with yourself all over again]
You are worth the same treatment as everyone else. Those who believe themselves to be martyrs think that the only way to get people to like them is to put others first.
Always doing things for everyone to your detriment leads to a lifetime of dissatisfaction. Never focusing on those things that make you happy leads you down a desolate road. [Read: What really makes you happy may not be what you think]
2. Work on communication
Most martyrs aren’t good communicators. Instead of telling people what they are thinking and feeling, they keep it inside.
They think that talking about their needs and emotions will push other people away. But it won’t.
So, try to be vocal about your needs and desires. Tell other people that you don’t feel appreciated and feel taken advantage of. Share your emotions with them and try to get them to see life from your perspective. [Read: How to communicate in a relationship – 16 steps to a better love]
3. Set boundaries
The main problem with martyrs is that they can never say no. They always say yes when someone asks them to do something, even if they don’t.
So, you need to learn to set boundaries and tell people that you are not a doormat. You have needs too, so you are going to start paying attention to them too.
4. Talk to a therapist
Since a martyr complex usually develops in childhood, it is a huge part of someone’s personality.
Because of that, they might not even know how to be any different. They have spent their whole lives pleasing other people. [Read: Alone time – why you need it, how it helps, and how to make the most of it]
So, it is very beneficial to talk to a therapist if you can afford to. A trained professional will help you figure out your own needs and how to change your behavior to make yourself happy.
What purpose is the martyr complex serving for you?
If you always put others before yourself, stop and ask yourself what is it that you get out of it. People repeat behaviors because they serve some purpose.
What is it that you gain from always putting yourself second to others? If you yearn for acceptance, self-sacrifice is not the answer. [Read: Feeling unappreciated? 31 satisfying quotes to empower you to move on]
The road to happiness means choosing things that make you happy and minimizing those that disappoint you. Often for martyrs, their behavior never gets the desired response.
It leads them to do more of the same, always searching for the recognition they desire from those around them.
How to deal with a person who plays the martyr
Maybe you’re not the martyr yourself, but you know someone who is. You probably feel sorry for them and want to help them. So, here are a few things you can do to help someone who plays the martyr. [Read: Playing victim – 13 signs and reasons why it makes your life way worse]
1. Stop accepting favors and expressions of sacrifice
Since a martyr almost never says no to anyone, then you will have to be the one to put your foot down. Set the boundaries yourself by refusing to accept favors from them.
Don’t let them sacrifice their own needs – especially over yours. Help them uncover their own needs and encourage them to do so.
2. Accept them but don’t satisfy their need for compassion
You can’t change a martyr, only they can change themselves. So, all you can do is accept and love them or who they are right now. [Read: Emotionally damaged – how people get that way, 26 signs, and how to heal from it]
But that doesn’t mean that you have to play into their need for compassion. You have to just let them be themselves while encouraging positive change.
3. Express your concerns directly
As we said earlier, most martyrs are not good communicators. So, you will have to step up and do it for them.
Let them know that you are concerned about how they never say no to anyone and how that is burning them out. You can’t beat around the bush either. Instead, you have to be direct and firm so that they really understand what you are talking about.
[Read: 16 strategies to finally get your shit together]
If you have signs of a martyr complex, it’s time to reevaluate why you do what you do. Take steps to change your behavior to get what you want out of life instead of always sacrificing yourself in the hope that others will thank you for it.