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Married But In Love with Someone Else? Here’s What You Need to Do

Marriage doesn’t mean love forever. Sometimes our hearts want things, so if you’re married but in love with someone else, it’s a hard situation.

Married But In Love with Someone Else

If you’re married but in love with someone else, you’re in a tough situation. The odds are your partner doesn’t know about how you’re feeling or what you want. This is a big secret to keep from them while being dishonest with yourself.

What to do if you’re married but in love with someone else

I’m not married, but I’m in a long-term relationship. It’s not easy. When you make a commitment to someone, you say you’re willing to put in the hard work. But no one tells you just how hard a relationship is. No one tells you the importance of communication and the constant work. This is something you just find out on your own.

So, on the one hand, I can understand why some people can’t handle their relationship. Many couples lack communication skills and empathy, which causes couples to stray from each other. Of course, this isn’t an excuse for cheating on your partner.

[Read: How to sniff out the cause for why something feels off in your relationship]

So, what are you going to do? You cannot keep living in this double life you’ve created for yourself. Something must change, so you and the people around you can live an authentic life. Because right now, being in love with someone who isn’t your spouse, isn’t making your home life easy.

So, here are some things you should do if you’re married but in love with someone else. Because this is a sticky situation.

#1 Rewind back in time. Okay, you’re in this situation, but how did you get here? What was it that pushed you to stray from your marriage? It’s not an easy question to ask yourself, but if you want to make the right decision, start looking inward. How did you get to this point? Because there’s usually a point in your life that brings you to look outside your own relationship. [Read: Can you be in love with two people? Should you?]

#2 Understand four things that can happen. Before making a decision, understand your options. In this case, you have four paths to choose from.

Firstly, you can decide to stay in your marriage and continue the affair. Secondly, you can leave your marriage with your partner. Thirdly, your lover can leave you. And lastly, you can end the affair. Knowing the options can help you see what you really want to do. [Read: Affair fog – How to know if your partner is obsessed with someone else]

#3 Understand the consequences to the path you choose. Here’s the thing, any decision you make has its own set of consequences. The consequences could be divorce, for example, or you choosing to stay in an unhappy marriage. Whatever path you choose to go down, be aware of the obstacles you face. As long as you know what you’ll need to battle, you won’t be surprised. [Read: How to pick one person when you’re in love with two]

#4 Are your emotions genuine? Here’s the thing, many people can fall in love with someone outside of their marriage because they’re unhappy in their own relationship. But, that love isn’t necessarily genuine. These feelings could be from the fact that you’ve discovered new energy in yourself that you never thought you had. That doesn’t mean you’re actually in love with this person. [Read: How to handle a real crush when you’re in a committed relationship]

#5 Reflect on your feelings towards your partner. Marriage isn’t a walk in the park, there are going to be times where you are more in love, and other times where you’ll feel disconnected from each other. What’s important is you really reflect on the feelings you have for your partner.

Are you in love with your partner? Do you want to be in an intimate relationship with them?  These are tough questions to ask yourself, and you may not want to know the answer. Then, you’ll know the truth. But hiding secrets behind your partner’s back isn’t fair to them or yourself.

#6 Take your time making a decision. Listen, you eventually must make a decision and choose whether or not you want to stay married. Because, like all things, your partner will find out about your affair. So, take your time to really think about your marriage and what it means to you.

If you find yourself uninterested in staying married, then tell your partner. But, if you want to stay married, take a different road. [Read: Loveless relationships and the reasons why people choose to stay]

#7 You should confess. Here’s the thing, obviously, you don’t want to tell your partner. Ideally, if your hook-up would never say one word, you would probably never tell your partner. But you should tell your partner.

Many people simply end the affair and continue their marriage. It’s really up to you. Now, if you tell your partner, even though you may want to stay married, once you tell them, the ball is in their court.

#8 Make the choice to work on your marriage. If you’re choosing to stay in your marriage, then make a choice to work on it. Deciding to stay married is the easy part of this. Working on your marriage is hard work. The relationship has clearly been missing something, and it’s time you and your partner put effort into improving this. [Read: 17 ways to spark love and rekindle your relationship]

#9 Talk to your partner. Whether you told your partner about the affair or not, talk to them about how they’re feeling about the relationship and what they think needs to be worked on. It’s time to repair the relationship.

Ideally, your partner needs to know what happened because they deserve the right to choose how they want to continue their life. I understand that sometimes people would rather brush their faults under the rug.

#10 Stop the affair. If you haven’t stopped the affair already, then what are you even doing? Do you want to be married? If you want to improve your marriage, end whatever it is you’re doing with the person you’re in love with. Don’t speak to them; see them, nothing. It’s over. Tell them it’s over and refocus your attention on your marriage. [Read: How to end an affair and get over it completely]

#11 Go to a counselor. Whether it’s solo or couple’s counseling, talk to a therapist and really discuss the situation openly with an unbiased perspective. You’ll be able to talk about your actions and why you did them. Perhaps you’ll gain a new outlook on the situation and understand why you did what you did.

[Read: 15 common reasons why people get bored with their relationships]

Marriage is not an easy commitment. Before making a hasty decision if you’re married but in love with someone else, really think about how you’re feeling and what you want.

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Natasha Ivanovic
Natasha Ivanovic is an intimacy, dating, and relationship writer best known for her writings on Kiiroo, LovePanky, Post Pravda, and more. She's the creator and ...
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