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How to Tell Your Neighbors to Keep Their Sex Life Quiet

Sexy neighbors can be hot, but not when their ruckus in between the sheets is keeping you up, or being heard by your kids!

how to tell your neighbors to keep their sex life quiet

Your neighbors are a happily married couple, or college freshmen, or just a horny devil who has a variety of nightly lovers. Whatever the case is, you try to mind your own business. Yet it never fails that while you’re cuddling up on the couch, or are sitting with your laptop in your bedroom, you start to hear the howls of loud sex gone wrong.

How can someone be so inhumanly loud, you may wonder? And more importantly, how do you tell your neighbors they’re being too loud? You don’t want to come off as rude, nosy, or risk having a blowout with them that will result in awkward elevator rides for the rest of your apartment-dwelling. So what do you say to a noisy neighbor?

Before you begin: Are you being overly dramatic?

Before you begin your descent into loud sex induced madness, first make sure you’ve got your story straight. Have your partner, or close friend hear your situation *possibly literally!* and ask if you’re being overly sensitive about the situation. Are they really having wild, screaming, inappropriate sex next door? Or does their headboard just occasionally bang into your wall? Remember, there’s a huge difference between being disrespected, and having an unfortunate circumstance with your neighbor.

Give your loud neighbors a free pass, at least once

You were young once, maybe you still are! Everyone deserves a little horny-time to experience what having loud sex is like. Did your dorm neighbor keep you up with their overly loud, overly rude romp in the hay? Give the kid a break, at least once. After all, this may be his or her first time having sex without worrying about nosy parents.

When you just can’t take it anymore

If you find that you’ve given out enough free passes as you’re ever going to give, here are some simple but ballsy ways to tell your neighbors to knock off the noise.

#1 Tell your landlord. Ah, the cowards’ route. This sheepish, but usually successful option will keep your name in the clear. Call or meet with your landlord and explain to him that your neighbors are being overly loud and disruptive.

If you have young children, you’d do well to mention that the noise is of a sexual nature, and you feel uncomfortable letting your children hear it. You may also want to look over your lease to see if your neighbors are breaking any noise restrictions in the contract. Politely ask your landlord to leave your complaint anonymous, to save yourself any neighborly scowling. [Read: 12 ways to make a better first impression]

#2 Write a letter. Another option is to write your neighbor a letter. This note should be short, concise, and as polite as you can make it. It should be noted that without proper tone of voice, letters may come off as passive-aggressive and overly rude. If you feel like no matter how hard you try, your letter is reading more like a principal’s note than a polite request, you may want to…

#3 Man up and talk to them. If your letter doesn’t work, you may just have to bite the bullet and approach your neighbors in person. Remember to be charming, without attitude, and with no traces of impatience or anger. Kindly explain your circumstances, be it that you work nights and need your sleep, that the walls are really thin, that their apartment doesn’t have carpeting, or just point blank that they’re having sex way too loud for your liking. As awkward as it might be, you may find your neighbor isn’t as opposed to quieting down as you may have thought. Oftentimes, they simply don’t know they’re too loud. [Read: How the power of words make or break your relationships]

If they own their own house, you’re probably screwed

While you can try all the methods listed above, just know that if the couple in question owns their own house, you’re probably out of luck on this one. That’s not to say you should ignore it, if your neighbor is having obvious, loud sex with their curtains and windows wide open.

However, for your neighbors who are following proper etiquette and just so happen to have a bedroom adjacent to your living room, then you need to respect that this is their home, which they have purchased and maintained, and they are entitled to their own privacy and house rules.

Please note that this does not apply to those who have bought their own apartment. If they are living above you, then they definitely owe you and their other neighbors some peace and quiet. However, if they are on their own separate property from you, then it sounds like it’s time for you to bust out the ear plugs.

Things to avoid

While your porno-in-practice neighbors may be driving you to the brink of your sanity with their incessant “banging,” there are a few things you should definitely avoid doing in order to maintain the impression of levelheadedness.

#1 Don’t bang on the ceiling or floor. You may be tempted, time and again, to bang your broomstick against the ceiling or floor when your neighbors begin their shag-fest, but do yourself a favor and don’t be that person. Your neighbors will likely do one of two things, should you take this approach: 1) They’ll get defensive or 2) they’ll think you’re being a nag.

#2 Don’t confront them inconveniently. So Mary-Sue’s been having some loud orgasms recently. Good for her. She’s a working mom – she deserves it! However, Mary-Sue’s not your girlfriend, and you don’t care how many times she comes, especially when it keeps you up all hours of the night in the privacy of your own home.

Before you begin your anger-induced march over to Mary-Sue’s, make sure you have good timing. If she’s perhaps off to work, or juggling her three kids around the hallway trying to get them off to school, now probably wouldn’t be the best time to complain about her loud O’s.

#3 Don’t be passive aggressive. Unless you want your note to end up on a passive-aggressive notes website, mocking you, then you probably want to avoid becoming the “Post-It” neighbor. This isn’t college. You need to man up and talk face to face with them.

#4 Don’t be a pushover, either. Just because you’re endeavoring to be nice, doesn’t mean you should get walked on, either. Just because they feel like they can do whatever they want in their own home, doesn’t mean they get to be out and out rude. Whether you’re being kept up at all hours of the night, you have children who can hear the ruckus, or you just find the noise completely rude – don’t just let it lay! [Read: 10 simple ways to deal with difficult people]

Your neighbors are probably not trying to be a jerk on purpose, so neither should you. When approaching the situation of having naughty but noisy neighbors, remember to be respectful when you tell them to keep it down. Being kind goes a lot farther than being rude. It’s true for talking to service people on the phone, and true for dealing with your noisy neighbors.

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Waverly Smith
Waverly Smith is a freelance writer who has been getting paid for spreading her sarcastic take on love, life, and sex since 2010. She is many things that people...
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