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How to Stop Hating Someone Who Hurt You: The 7 Steps, Types & Effects

If you want to know how to stop hating someone who hurt you, then you have come to the right place. Here is all you need to know to let go of the hate.

how to stop hating someone who hurt you

Learning how to stop hating someone who hurt you requires a lot. Being hurt sucks. It hurts, literally!

You can’t believe that person betrayed you and didn’t mind stamping all over your feelings like it meant nothing. You have no clue how they could be so absent-minded and think that none of it would scar you or cause you to feel pain.

Yes, being hurt is the pits. Unfortunately, most of us have been hurt at some point in the past. If you’ve never been hurt, well, you may hope it will never happen… but the chances aren’t in your favor. Sorry.

Why do we say that? Because humans are cruel by nature. You might not think it, but deep down, the human race is selfish. We often think about number one before anyone else.

That means all of us. We are flawed, every single one of us. It also means we make mistakes. While we might not hold our hands up and admit that mistake, deep down we know it.

[Read: How to recognize the emotionally unstable people in your life and cut down on the drama]

Why we shouldn’t let hate fester

A famous quote from Buddha is, “Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

In other words, holding on to hate is ultimately only hurting yourself.

Poison isn’t something that you just drink, it is an emotion called hate. It eats you up inside and causes destruction.

It might be a friend, a family member, a colleague, a lover, or someone quite random, but the hurt is hurt nonetheless. [Read: My ex hates me – Why your ex hates you and 19 ways to get past their rage]

When hurt festers, and closure isn’t achieved, bitterness sets it. Other strong emotions can also rear an ugly head, like hate.

Yes, sometimes we experience hateful feelings in response to the way someone made us feel, disregarded our feelings, or because of something they did which basically caused us a huge amount of emotion.

Hate is such a strong emotion and it’s easy to hate someone who hurt you. It’s like a “mental poison” that contaminates your whole being. It can spread into all the other relationships that you are in, too. Since you know that you are feeling hatred, you know first-hand how damaging and mind-consuming it can be.

Just the word alone carries a lot of power – especially if it comes from someone we love. While hate can be directed toward almost anything – movies, foods, jobs, songs, etc. – the worst kind of hatred is toward other people. [Read: Why do I hate people? 10 steps to find peace and happiness in life]

Ask yourself some questions.

Where does hate have a place in your life? Do you harbor feelings of hatred toward just another person or also yourself?

If you do, then you really need to address this negative feeling before it gets worse. If you leave hate unchecked, it will tear you down and darken your soul.

The two kinds of hate to focus on

In general, there are two kinds of hate.

First, there is the kind that’s turned outward – the kind of hate that is directed toward other people. It can come out in your words and actions. Other people can see it, not just you. 

And then there is the kind that is turned inward. That is hate that you keep to yourself. It can be hatred for another person, but usually, it’s hatred toward yourself. [Read: Why do I hate myself so much? Self-hate and what you can do about it]

Just because you hate someone else doesn’t mean that there is not some self-hatred mixed in there too. So, you really should explore that as well.

Both of these kinds are dangerous and will eat you up inside. That’s why it’s so important to stop hating.

It’s normal. While true hate is rare, it’s normal to feel it when someone has hurt you. But, if you’re wondering how to stop hating someone who hurt you, you’ve come to the right place. [Read: How to become a better person by following these 9 golden rules]

The utter exhaustion of hate

Hate is exhausting. Holding grudges takes effort. Quite frankly, that person doesn’t deserve another second of your time or effort. Stop holding onto past baggage because it only weighs you down.

It’s like going on vacation and checking your luggage at the airport. You’re overweight because you’ve got your suitcase with all the old stuff you’ve been lugging around with you. Let it go… but how?

Physical consequences of hate

Not only can hate affect your relationships, but it can also change the chemistry of your brain. Hate stimulates the area in the brain that is responsible for planning and the execution of motion.

This part is responsible for triggering aggression when you are feeling hateful. You have an instinct to either attack the other person or defend yourself.

This is commonly known as the “fight or flight” syndrome. Being in this mental and emotional state increases the levels of two hormones – cortisol and adrenaline.

These hormones can cause a lot of health problems such as weight gain, insomnia, depression, anxiety, and other chronic illnesses.

Hate is also considered a defense mechanism. Your mind is trying to predict what the person you hate will do to you next time. This leads you to be even more anxious, paranoid, and obsessive. This, of course, affects your overall mental health.

Hating someone can also have a negative impact on your immune system, nervous system, and endocrine system. These extreme emotions make your body release stress hormones into your brain.

If the stress goes on too long, then it can lead to inflammation throughout your body. And inflammation is the main cause of major diseases.

The more intensely you hate someone, the more difficult it is to control it and its effects on your body. It can lead to even some more minor things such as grinding your teeth, tensing your muscles, and clenching your jaw. [Read: How to get over hate when it’s clearly just not worth it]

Mental health consequences of hate

Hate can also be poisonous for your mental health. It will make you constantly feel agitated and upset with the people around you. It might make you feel a bit superior and in control when you are hating another person, but it is also very painful for you too.

If you hold on to hate long enough, it will lead you to become anxious and depressed. It will take away all feelings of joy and happiness that you have because it consumes you. 

So, as you can see, there are a lot of good reasons why you should stop hating someone who hurt you. [Read: How to forgive someone who hurt you and release the negativity inside]

How to stop hating someone who hurt you in 7 steps

Now that you know how important it is to let go of hate, let’s look at the 7 steps you can take to make that happen.

1. Acceptance

The first step towards stopping hate is actually accepting what has happened. This is probably the most painful step of all because to some degree it means reliving what happened. 

It doesn’t matter if it happened two weeks ago, two months ago, or two years ago, it will still hurt when you think back over it. The good news is that it will hurt less and less as time goes on. Time really is a great healer!

Give yourself permission to think about what you’ve probably pushed to the back of your mind and to remember the feelings and events. Understanding how to stop hating someone who hurt you is about accepting the issue and not pretending anymore. [Read: How to forgive and forget – 24 guidelines to follow]

Allow it to be a part of your past and stop running away from it. Once you’ve accepted what has happened and accepted the role that person may or may not have in your life, you can proceed with the rest of the process.

Just because someone hurt you in the past, it doesn’t mean that they can’t be a part of your life now. This may be very difficult in some situations, and in that case, it’s probably better to wave goodbye and move on. Life isn’t supposed to be full of painful reminders. 

In that case, acceptance is also about accepting that this person is no longer a part of your life. Quite frankly, if you hate them, that won’t be a big loss! [Read: How to get out of a toxic relationship with your dignity intact]

2. Perspective

The second step to stop hating someone who hurt you is to put the whole thing into perspective. When strong feelings are involved, it’s easy to blow things out of proportion and misinterpret things. We’re not suggesting you’re wrong in hating this person, but perhaps you’re not seeing the entire picture.

Is there a reason this person acted the way they did? Is there something you’re missing? By ensuring you have all the facts you can move on far easier.

Whenever there are unanswered questions, your mind is always going to be stuck in the past.

This doesn’t mean you should go around seeking extra information, simply make sense of what you already know and the feelings you experienced at the time, and what you’re feeling now.

By gaining perspective, you are giving yourself power.

3. Forgiving yourself

The next step may be a painful one. Achieving the entire process of letting go requires you to forgive yourself. This doesn’t mean you had any part in your own pain.

You’re forgoing yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt, for anything you may have said or done, and you’re also forgiving yourself for feeling hate.

That might sound harsh, because how could it have been your fault? The point is that it’s not your fault, but true forgiveness is on both sides. 

Forgive yourself for any weakness, any chink of light you gave to them, and anything else you might be pondering in your own mind. Tie up the loose ends and move on. [Read: How to stop hating yourself and instead learn to love all of you]

4. Hope for the future

The true knowledge behind knowing how to stop hating someone who hurt you is about looking to the future. When you look forward, you take your mind away from the past and allow hope to creep in. Hate can’t co-exist with hope. 

When you feel excited about future opportunities or wonder if the future could be brighter, believe that it can! Look for those new doors, the ones that will open when you let go of what has been holding you back.

5. Forgiveness

This fifth step is a difficult one. How can you forgive someone who caused you pain? You’re not saying, ‘Hey, it’s okay you hurt me.’ It’s you simply saying ‘I let this hate go.’ By doing that, you forgive.

You’ve already forgiven yourself, but you cannot move forwards unless you forgive that person. You don’t have to understand it or be their friend. In fact, you don’t even have to speak to them. You simply let it go. [Read: How to forgive and forget – 24 steps to decide on the right step to take]

6. Learning

How can you learn from the experience? How can you ensure it doesn’t happen again? Life doesn’t guarantee you won’t be hurt again, but you can learn from the experience and how to handle the situation better.

Learn from any mistakes you made, and change your approach to life as a result of experiences in the past. Sit down. Take some deep breaths. Think about any learning points you can identify. [Read: How to learn and grow from the rejections you faced]

7. Letting go

The final step? Letting go. Visualize the entire situation in a box. Close that box. Then, visualize a big lock on it, and picture yourself burying it deep into the ground.

Finally, fill it in with heavy soil, never to be seen again. This visualization exercise is extremely powerful and will ensure that you truly do let go.

Don’t let hate and grudges hold your life back in negativity for a second longer.

[Read: How to let go of someone you love without any bitterness]

Understanding how to stop hating someone who hurt you isn’t an easy process. And it will take time. It’s more about simply throwing your hands up and saying ‘I can’t be weighed down by this anymore.’ And that is enough.

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The editorial team of LovePanky comprises relationship experts and real-life experts that share their experiences and life lessons. If you want the best love ad...