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How to Be an Asshole: The Key Ingredients of Assholious Maximus

Some people are natural born assholes. However, it might be that you want to learn how to be an asshole for a particular reason. Here’s how.

how to be an asshole

What is an asshole? Unlike other words in the English language, asshole doesn’t have any Greek or Latin roots, like assholious maximus. Nope, an asshole is called one because it is the foulest part of one’s body. If you want to know how to be an asshole, then you probably aren’t one.

Knowing how to be an asshole means not giving a shit about anyone else, or anyone else’s feelings but one’s own. It’s a super-easy way to live; you say what you want, do what you want, and walk all over people. That’s the definition of an asshole.

If you are like us, walking around trying not to offend anyone, hurt anyone’s feelings, and help old ladies with groceries into their cars, the art of knowing how to be an asshole isn’t going to come without some hard work on your part. [Read: Am I toxic? How to tell if you’re the toxic one & not everyone else]

Why would you want to learn how to be an asshole?

You might be reading this and wondering why on earth anyone would want to learn how to be an asshole in the first place. Well, it happens. It could be that you’re just disillusioned with the world and you’ve had enough. Maybe you’ve been taken for granted one too many times and you’re fed up.

One of the biggest reasons why someone might want to learn how to be an asshole is when they’ve been hurt. It’s a pretty natural reaction to a painful experience in life. Not many of us are able to smile through all adversities and keep the bigger picture in mind. Sometimes we just need to be a little negative and sweep it all away. [Read: Is negative thinking ruining your life?]

Let’s be honest, it’s easier to be negative

The human brain is hard-wired to be negative as its default setting. It’s a protective mechanism designed to keep us safe. If you’re skeptical and you think negatively first, you’re less likely to take chances and possibly end up hurt. However, being negative all the time doesn’t really do much for your happiness levels!

It’s obviously far better to try and be positive and think nice thoughts, but it’s not always possible. So, if you really want to learn how to be an asshole because you’ve had enough and you want to protect yourself for a while, just until you’re ready to heal and move on, let’s explore how you can do that. [Read: 12 ways to stop negative people from sapping your energy]

How to be an asshole fast – small ways to hit your target

If, you’re tired of being stepped on, ignored, passed over, looked past, or generally the butt of some other asshole’s jokes, these are the key ingredients to said assholious maximus.

1. Say whatever you feel like saying, without a filter. [Read: 30 wild ways to be a bitch and an asshole]

2. Treat everyone like they are less than you. Go on, generally look down on the world!

3. Take the last piece of everything without asking. Want the cake? Have it!

4. Don’t replace the toilet paper. The next person is on their own.

5. “Borrow” things without ever intending to return them. [Read: 10 sure signs you’re a bitch and don’t even know it]

6. Always “forget” your wallet. Hey, you’ve got it next time.

7. Ghost someone just ‘cause you can. [Read: 12 ways to disappear quickly and get away clean]

8. Point out everyone’s faults in public. Obviously, ignore your own.

9. Puddle splash people on the curb… it is so funny to watch their faces, isn’t it?

10. Go like 20 miles under the speed limit, no one is going to rush you!

11. Empty the milk or orange juice carton and put it back. [Read: 10 simple tips to avoid being rude in any situation]

12. Say you don’t want to go somewhere and then bitch about not being invited.

13. Use social media as your own personal roast fest.

14. Don’t close up the cheese before you put it in the refrigerator.

15. Don’t text someone back. You’re too busy for that nonsense. [Read: Ignoring a guy – Why this works so well & how to use it right]

16. Always have to one up everyone, like everyone.

17. When you bump into someone, don’t you dare ever say “sorry” or “excuse me.”

18. Always put your own needs above others, like always and no matter who, you come first, baby. [Read: The friend code all BFFs must follow]

19. Take the last cold beer.

20. Never go down on the person who goes down on you.

21. Sneak in front of someone on the elevator. You’re in a hurry, they have time to wait. [Read: 10 signs you’re stuck in a karmic smackdown]

22. Chastise everyone in your life because you have finally gone on a diet… be an extra asshole and count their calories for them.

23. When you walk in a room, only acknowledge your besties, the rest are insignificant anyway.

24. Ask how old someone is and when they answer say “no way, you are way older than that.” [Read: 10 questions that reveal the narcissist in you]

25. Ask someone out on a date and expect them to pay for the pleasure of being with you.

Being an asshole is not something that you just happen upon. It is fostered and practiced and perfected. If you want to know how to be an asshole, the truth is that you probably are at times and don’t know it. We all are sometimes! [Read: How to think positive and reprogram your mind to stay positive]

But, do you really want to learn how to be an asshole?

Honestly, why do you want to be an asshole? You’re not one right now, otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking how to become one! It’s normal to feel fed up sometimes or to feel like the world owes you a favor. That’s not a reason to treat other people badly or to try and simply be negative for the hell of it.

Being an asshole won’t make you happy. You might think that you’re somehow getting back at the world for having thrown you a world of nothingness, but what is it going to achieve really? [Read: How to be nice – 20 easy tips to make everyone love being around you]

Being positive and upbeat is hard to do sometimes, but it feels so much better. It takes work when everything around you seems negative, but you can do it. With a little time and effort, you can be much happier because you’re focused on the right things.

After all, they say that karma is a bitch, and what goes around comes around!

[Read: How to release anger and focus on the positives in life]

Some people walk through life narcissistic and asshole-ish. You don’t want to be them, trust me. You can be less kind if you want, but it probably won’t make you happier. If you ask how to be an asshole, you aren’t one, so stop trying to be one.

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Julie Keating
A writer isn’t born, but created out of experiences. No lack of subject matter, my life reads more like fiction than anything that could have been imagined in...
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