Are you suffering from a bout of sex boredom, where one of you don’t want to have sex anymore? This can happen to anyone, and is surprisingly easy to fix!
If there’s one thing that haunts our mind during our formative years as a teenager, it is sex, and of course, the kind of impression we make on the opposite sex. At this time in your life you wouldn’t ever turn down the opportunity to get busy.
But as we get hitched with someone and the years roll by, sex takes a backseat. Unless you are careful sex, just like many things in life, starts to become just another boring chore.
If you just had a child, or are depressed, the reason you don’t want to have sex anymore is obvious. But for some, there is no specific reason you are no longer amorous. It’s just not something you want to do anymore.
Why do we crave sex?
The answer to this is pretty obvious on its surface. Sex feels good and we are biologically designed to seek it out. But what does it mean when we just don’t want to have sex anymore?
Sex in a relationship is more than just scratching an itch. If you don’t want to have sex with anyone anymore, the reasons could be many– everything from a hormonal imbalance to a unresolved childhood trauma. These issues need to be addressed with a physician and possibly a therapist in order to be resolved.
But if you simply do not want to have sex with your partner anymore, it’s time you do something about it. Here are the most common causes, and we’ve also pointed out a few things you can change to burst the boredom out of sex.
You don’t want to have sex because you are not sexually attracted to your partner
The reality is that sex and love are two completely different things. You can love someone intensely and lose physical attraction to them over time. Bodies change and familiarity breeds contempt. So if you don’t want to have sex anymore, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner. It simply means you’re not sexually attracted to them anymore. [Read: Taking naked pictures of your partner]
If you don’t want to have sex or are completely uninterested in sex because you’re just not attracted to your lover anymore, you need to bring the passion back, or the rest of your sexual lives could be boring, miserable and a perfect place for cobwebs.
Most of us forget how sexually attractive our partners are, and need to be reminded about it now and then. [Read: How to play hard to get with a guy]
Hormonal Changes
For both men and women, hormonal changes can greatly impact sex drive. Men lose hormones as they age which can make them disinterested in sex.
Women can experience several things throughout their life that impact their hormones such as pregnancy, childbirth, and birth control. Not to mention that a new mom with a screaming baby or a rambunctious toddler is not going to be very interested in sex anyway.
If you suspect hormones are wreaking havoc on your sex life, reach out to your doctor to see if you qualify for hormone therapy. [Read: Chemistry of love: How hormones make you feel love the way you do]
Sex is too predictable
Are you so used to routine that you can actually count the bed creaks to the last digit each time you have sex? What starts off as a comfortable position can soon turn into the only position. Don’t let that happen. [Read: What men want in bed]
One of the best things you can do here is to try something new and exciting. Sex is never boring, it’s a part of life and evolution, and your mind will never get bored of it. It’s the routine that gets boring for partners. Trying something new can be uncomfortable at first, but it can open the doorway to better sex. It’s about experimenting slowly and bringing in a few changes one day at a time.
You don’t want to have sex because of body image issues
Nothing dumps a cold bucket of water over lust like body image issues. If you feel that your body looks bad or “wrong” then you will not be able to relax and enjoy sex.
If you or your partner find that you don’t want to have sex because of your body image issues, consider encouraging each other to see your bodies in a new light. Go hiking together, or take a dance class. Admire what your body can do just the way it is! If the problem is severe enough, consider counseling. [Read: Dad Bod: What It Is, the Appeal, and 14 Signs & Ways to Get Soft and Sexy]
You’re not enjoying sex or having orgasms
You can try new sex positions all the time. But almost always, when sex isn’t fun, the new positions would only get more frustrating. This is especially true if one or both of you is not reaching climax. [Read: How to talk dirty in bed]
To fix this problem, you need to stop and take a step back. However you are having sex is not working for you both, and that needs to be fixed before moving forward. No one wants to participate in an activity they find un-enjoyable. If you find that you don’t want to have sex anymore, you might just not want to have BAD sex anymore.
Mental health issues
There is a lot of stigma around mental health issues, when there really doesn’t need to be. Lots of normal, healthy people suffer from bouts of depression, anxiety, etc. These conditions can but the brakes on libido big time– especially depression, which makes sufferers lose interest in things they once loved.
You’ve stopped putting effort into your appearance
Do you dress up and try to look your best when you go on a night out or for dinner at a great place? Of course, you do. But what about at home when you’re with your partner? Do you dress up and look nice?
Most people take their partner for granted, dress shabbily at home, and then are surprised by the lack of lust. But sex, as much as it is emotional, is also physical. You need to look attractive to get the attraction. Look good for your partner and they will obviously feel sexually attracted towards you. [Read: Sexual role play: How to try it & the 35 best roleplay ideas for couples]
Your sexual orientation has changed
Maybe you have slowly realized that you are actually gay, bisexual or even asexual. It would explain why you don’t want to have sex with your partner, but its not an issue you can fix. If you feel that your sexual orientation has changed, you need to tell your partner ASAP.
Impotence
Impotence can be very embarrassing for men. They might not want to admit that they have a problem, and simply act like they don’t want to be intimate instead. Over time this can cause a rift in the relationship, so don’t let impotence ruin your relationship.
Impotence can be caused by a lot of things, both physical and mental. It is a common ailment that impacts many men. If you or your partner is impotent, take a trip to the doctor to see what can be done.
You don’t want to have sex because you’re too tired
Your partner and you may be sexually attracted to each other. But at times, work pressure and stress at work can make one of you distracted and lose interest in sex. Or even if you have sex, you may not really enjoy it enough, or you may end up not performing to your best which can lead to more frustrations. [Read: Tips on turning a guy on]
When you’re going through this phase, avoid sex until you are feeling better and ready. Otherwise, sex will continue to feel like another thing on your endless to do list. Passion will return when you have more time to think about yourself and your partner. [Read: Happy ending massage]
Too much porn
Have you found yourself searching specific porn lately— like very specific? If so, this newfound porn kink can actually make you disinterest in the real thing. When you wire your brain to get off on a single thing, it can be hard to un-wire it for real-life sex.
If this sounds like you, its time to give your “alone time” a rest. Take a few weeks off from porn and masturbating, and you will be interested in romance with your partner again in no time.
Too busy with something else
One of you love gardening or spending hours on the Xbox? Sometimes, even watching a few great shows on the television back to back every night can lead to boring sex lives. You could be having so much fun watching a movie every night that both of you might just give up on sex.
To make sure this doesn’t affect your sex life in future, get into bed an hour earlier or spend at least an hour every evening cuddling up with the TV turned off once you’re done with the shows. It may seem quite boring at first, but you’ll see what cuddle time can lead to! [Read: Tantric sex]
Your guilt and shame makes you not want to have sex
Many people are raised in cultures where sex, even sex within marriage, is seen as a dirty thing. Something to be ashamed of and feel bad about. Even if you do not feel that way yourself, your subconscious thoughts could be lessening your desire to have sex.
Your partner is just not into sex
Yeah, for all your horny lovers out there, this sucks, but it’s true. Some partners just aren’t into sex. The reason could be a medical condition, childhood trauma or they could be asexual. Whatever the reason, you need to have an honest discussion with your partner.
There is nothing wrong with having a low or non-existent libido. But sexual incompatibly can kill an otherwise healthy and happy relationship. Be realistic about what you need, and don’t be afraid to walk away from an incompatible relationship.
Unresolved conflicts in the relationship
If you do not deal with conflicts in your relationship, they can work themselves out in other ways– like through your sex life. If you and your partner are always fighting, you aren’t going to be feeling particularly sexy afterwards. [Read: How to stop fighting in a relationship & 16 steps to really talk]
You the relationship dynamic has changed with age
As time goes on things tend to cool off in a relationship. Sex is no different. With comfortable routines and habits, sex is often left on the wayside. But that doesn’t need to be a permanent problem! Re-invest in your sex life and you will see the rewards.
What to do when your partner doesn’t feel like having sex?
The reasons your partner could be disinterested in sex are many. The only want to figure out what is going on is to ask your partner directly. When things are calm *so not when you are fighting* ask your partner why they have lost their libido, and what you can do to get it back.
Don’t nag, cajole or threaten. If you insist on having sex when your partner doesn’t feel like it, you are only enforcing the view of sex as an annoying chore. You have to wait until your partner is ready to have sex again.
Can not having sex ruin a relationship
The short answer is yes. Most adults in a romantic relationship expect some kind of sexual relationship with their partner, and would likely be unhappy with a partner who did not want to have sex with them.
Though all couples vary, few do not want to completely forgo sex in a relationship, unless they are asexual. If you suspect you are sexually incompatible, it might be best to just end the relationship instead of suffering.
Should you have sex with your partner even if you don’t feel like it
No! If your partner is nagging you to have sex when you don’t feel like it, they are not respecting your sexual autonomy. No one is owed sex, not even in a relationship.
Sex that you don’t want to have can feel like a miserable chore at best, and an assault at worst. It certainly will not improve your view of sex or make you more interested in your partner. Remember that being pressured to have sex, or pressuring someone else to have sex is never okay. Enthusiastic consent is the cornerstone of all sexual relationships.
When your partner is not interested in sex, don’t get frustrated. Instead, hold each other’s hands and explore the many paths of sexual arousal. It can be exciting and fun, and somewhere along the way, we’re pretty sure your partner will like something too!
