Being too nice often doesn’t get you far. In that case, learn how to stop being a nice guy and use your new knowledge when a necessary situation arises.
Most guys are terrified of being labeled the nice guy. When this happens, people tend to trample all over you. But, you can learn how stop being a nice guy and instead, focus on being someone people find irresistible and super-interesting!
If you’ve heard, “you’re such a nice guy,” or “too bad I always go for assholes,” well, it sounds like you’re the nice guy. Now, your goal shouldn’t be to become a jerk towards women. Instead, you should understand the dynamics between men and women better. [Read: The qualities of a good man that set him apart from a lesser man]
What is ‘nice guy syndrome?’
You might have heard of ‘nice guy syndrome’ and if you have it, you need to take action ASAP. This occurs when guys lack self-confidence and rather than being themselves, they assume they need to be everything other people need. That means their own needs are left on the roadside.
Of course, there are also covert nice guys. These types act overly nice to try and gain the attention of women, but when their efforts aren’t rewarded how they want them to be, they become offended.
However, for the most part, nice guys are literally that – just a bit too nice. They lack the confidence and ‘get-up-and-go’ of confident guys. This often leaves them friend zoned and completely missing out on the love they want and deserve.
While being nice when deserved is fine, being nice all the time is damaging. Learning how to stop being a nice guy to the point of excess is something you should focus on. [Read: Nice guy syndrome – 25 things nice guys do and how to fix them ASAP]
What makes you a nice guy?
As we’ve just mentioned, when you’re a nice guy, you do everything for others, a bit too much. This often stems from low self-esteem.
You don’t have the confidence to just say what you want and let people take it how they will. Instead, you over-compensate and try to do extra-nice things for people. You assume that by doing so, they’ll like you back in the same way, because how could they not?
The truth is, by acting this way, many girls will simply see you as a doormat. They’ll think you’re a great guy to be friends with and someone to call whenever they want someone. Will they see you as a super-attractive guy? Probably not.
So, if you find yourself falling over yourself to try and be nice to other people, always doing what you think they’ll want and never just going with what you want, you’re being too nice. [Read: When people use you – Stop being a doormat and feel in control again]
Why should you stop being a nice guy?
You might be reading this and thinking, ‘how is being nice bad?’ Well it’s not when it’s done in moderation. Everyone should be nice from time to time; you can’t go around being mean to everyone!
But, when your niceness, whether genuine or forced, is simply because you feel you need to act that way to get people to like you, that’s a problem.
They’re not drawn to you because of who you really are. And, you’re not getting what you want out of the situation, e.g. love and affection, because you’re giving everything to them.
Basically, you’re on the road toward co-dependency and that’s never a great place to be. [Read: How to be yourself – 26 steps to unfake your life and love being you]
How can you tell that you’re being a nice guy too often?
It can be hard to work out whether you need to learn how to stop being a nice guy or not. After all, being nice isn’t a bad thing per se, but it’s about moderation. It’s only when you notice a problem that you need to learn how to stop being a nice guy.
Ask yourself if you always do everything for others and never anything for yourself. Then, question whether your intentions are truly because you want to be nice or because you’re trying to get them to like you or do something. [Read: How to stop being needy – Why people get clingy and 32 ways to fix it]
Do girls always tell you that you’re nice? Have you found yourself friend zoned more times than you can count?
These are all signs that you need to learn how to stop being a nice guy. That doesn’t mean you should throw niceness out of your character completely, but it does mean that you need to toughen up!
How to not be a nice guy
The reason why “assholes” get women is that they’re assertive, bluntly honest, and strong-minded. Of course, instead of being all those things naturally, they must be aggressive, which makes them act like jerks.
Now, you don’t need to be aggressive and rude to get out of the “Mr. Nice Guy” stereotype. But it’s easier said than done. You’ll have to go through a couple of experiences to really get the hang of things, and that’s okay! [Read: Why the nice guy isn’t really such a nice guy deep inside]
If you use these tips when meeting new people, it’ll help you not to be a nice guy. Who knows, maybe you’ll end up getting a phone number or date out of it.
1. Be honest about what you want
Women who talk to honest men find it refreshing. If you want to ask a girl out on a date, ask her. Don’t try to become her friend and work your way up to a date. You don’t want to be friends with her; you want to date her.
So, be honest and upfront. If you don’t tell her what you want, you play yourself. [Read: These are the signs of insecurity that insecure people can’t hide]
2. Put yourself first
Nice guys make one crucial mistake: they put the girl first. By doing that, you allow her to walk all over you. She should know you value yourself and aren’t willing to put yourself second.
If you have hobbies, do them. Your goals – work towards them. If you want to know how to stop being a nice guy, don’t lower yourself for someone else, it’s not attractive.
3. Take conversations slowly
If you’re a fast talker, it’s time to slow things down. We know you may be nervous, but that doesn’t mean you speed through the conversation.
Take a couple of deep breaths and enjoy the conversation. If you’re too quick, it loses some of the mystery. [Read: How to respect women without patronizing them]
4. Say ‘no’
You don’t need to be brutally honest, but you cannot be afraid to tell the truth. If she’s asking you to do something you don’t want to do, say no.
That’s right, say no.
Don’t say yes to everything just to please her. The fact you have personal boundaries is what she finds attractive. [Read: How to say no – 15 ways to reason politely, stop pleasing, and feel kickass]
5. Keep your expectations to a minimum
The reason why some guys get what they want is that they’re not expecting anything to happen. Don’t go into a conversation thinking you’re going to get laid or go on a date. Expect nothing from her and see where the conversation goes.
By expecting nothing, you’ll relax and put yourself in the right headspace. That’s one step when learning how to stop being a nice guy.
6. Don’t overcompensate
When it comes to frat bros and Mr. Nice Guys, they share one thing in common: overcompensation. As a nice guy, you probably know this is a problem for you.
But don’t become a complete jerk. If you overcompensate, you’ll just go to the other end of the spectrum.[Read: How to talk to girls and leave them swooning]
7. Work on your self-esteem
This is usually the root cause of all nice guys. Because you lack self-esteem, you try too hard to get attention from women.
Your relationships are directly correlated to your mental health and self-esteem. Set boundaries and focus on healthy relationships where you and your partner are equal. [Read: Nice guy syndrome – 16 reasons why girls find them sooo boring!]
8. Be confrontational when necessary
This doesn’t mean you must fight someone when they do something wrong. But if your boundaries are crossed, confront the person, including her.
If you’re trying to figure out how to stop being a nice guy, and the girl you like insults or offends you, let her know where the line is. Naturally, you should do this in a respectful way. She’ll appreciate you for it.
9. Keep apologies to a minimum
This doesn’t mean you should never apologize. If you do something wrong, say sorry. But apologizing one thousand times because you screwed up or something else happened isn’t going to get you what you want.
Over-apologizing isn’t sexy; if anything it feels smothering. Keep your apologies for when necessary when learning how to stop being a nice guy. [Read: The honest truth why nice guys finish last all the time]
10. Set your own schedule
When we meet someone we like, it’s easy to change our lives for them. But you shouldn’t change your schedule to please someone else.
Yes, make time for them, but live by your schedule. You’re not going to miss your chance; instead, you’ll show her you’re independent. [Read: What is a SIMP? Meet Gen Z’s new version of the nice guy]
11. Don’t spend too much time with her
Though men think spending all their time with a woman will make her more attracted to them, that’s wrong. Spending too much time with a girl you’re into will show signs of desperation and clinginess.
Yes, hang out with her in your spare time, but also leave time for self-care, hobbies and interests. [Read: Alone time – Why you need it, how it helps, and how to make the most of it]
12. You can be nice, but don’t take your eyes off the prize
A person who trains for a marathon for a year and then stops to pick up someone who falls right before the finish line, isn’t being nice.
They forget the intention of running a marathon. If you keep your eyes on your goals and don’t get sidetracked by making decisions that aren’t in your best interest, then you won’t come in last.
It isn’t your job to take care of the world. It is your job to take care of you. So, remember why you do what you do, and stay on task. [Read: The 20 qualities in a guy that actually makes him a good man]
13. Don’t be afraid to call in favors
The problem with being nice is that it’s easy to be too nice. That puts you in pushover territory. You can be nice, just make sure you are nice to the people who are nice back.
Don’t waste your time being indiscriminately nice to people who don’t have your back or won’t return the favor. Only invest in those people who invest in you and don’t be afraid to ask for the same niceness from those around you.
14. Voice your opinion when necessary
Being a decent guy doesn’t mean that you can’t speak the truth. If you have an opinion and it is valid, speak up. You aren’t mean by thinking or addressing an issue.
Whether it is work or your personal life, voicing what goes on in your head doesn’t make you nasty, it makes you real, valuable, and a part of the team. [Read: Here’s how you can be masculine without being a jerk]
15. Remember that nice isn’t the opposite of competitive
If you have a secret crush you’re trying to win over or a job promotion you want, being competitive doesn’t negate being nice. You can be competitive, stay after and work extra hours, or convince the person of your dreams to choose you, and still be nice.
Working hard to get what you want isn’t about being nice. Competition is competition and outside the realm of nice or mean. Don’t confuse the two.
As long as you play fair and don’t do anything underhanded or cunning, it is okay to go for what you want. [Read: 13 traits that split apart weak men and strong men]
16. Take charge and make decisions
One of the biggest things that nice guys get wrong is choosing to let the lady make all the decisions. You believe you’re being gentlemanly and courteous by letting her take the lead, but in actual fact, it just looks weak and indecisive.
So, take charge chaps! You decide where to meet, you decide whether to go buffet or a-la-carte, and you decide when and where to meet next. Let her know that she is in the presence of an alpha male and a suitable life-long partner. [Read: Indecisiveness – When your inability to decide is a decision too]
17. Learn to listen
Taking a genuine interest in what the lady is saying is so important. It lets her feel important, and it gives you time to think about what you’re going to say or do next. Most importantly, it shows that you’re confident enough to take on board what others have to say.
Of course, don’t be afraid to speak your mind either, which is another sign that you are confident and manly.
18. Quit moaning
Don’t do it! Many nice guys have a dreadful habit of complaining about aches and pains, or about how unfair their boss is. They talk about how the next-door-neighbor’s dog keeps them awake at night, or how nobody really understands them, and so on.
Seriously guys, you’re not being nice – you’re being an utter drip. She’s going to walk away feeling like she’s just been on a date with a teenage girl rather than an adult man. Keep it to yourself! [Read: Is your negative thinking ruining your life?]
19. Be a rock
A real man is emotionally stable at all times; quite a different thing from being emotional, which is the hallmark of a nice guy. Nice guys gush and cry and sulk and seek approval. Real men do not.
They don’t let the behavior or attitude of other people rattle them in the slightest, and they take it all on the chin.
They are gregarious types, but they never desperately chase attention or approval, and always give equal time to every part of their lives. This is quite unlike the nice guy who will drop everything else when they meet the woman of their dreams to the point of ruining the rest of their lives. [Read: 6 ways to avoid being the nice guy who’s stuck in the friend zone]
20. Physical awareness
Of course, looking good is an essential factor in trying to win over the woman of your dreams, but you don’t want to come across as vain. Constant self-grooming, looking in mirrors, rearranging your clothes, posing and so on, gives a very bad impression.
Although if asked, most people would point to arrogance as being the cause of such behavior, at a subconscious level the alarm bells will start ringing and your desired other half will be alerted to the fact that you have confidence issues. [Read: 15 reasons why “nice guys” are usually perceived as losers by women]
21. Fit in bro time
It’s easy to drop everything for the girl because you’re desperate for her to see you as someone who’s great to be around. Don’t do it. Instead, schedule in some bro time!
This shows that you have a life outside of trying to woo her. She’ll want to learn more about what you do away from her and that will grab her attention.
Of course, it’s also good for your well-being because we all need time with our friends. [Read: 72 bromandments – The bro code rules every guy must know and follow]
22. Forget FOMO
If you have FOMO, or fear of missing out, drop it. FOMO will only cause you to act in a needy way and be terrified of missing something good.
Do what you want to do and that’s all you need to know. If you’re supposed to miss out on something, it’s going to pass you by regardless! By doing the things you want to do, you’re sure to find enjoyment and you won’t come over as someone who’s terrified of missing something. [Read: What is FOMO? How to read the signs and overcome the stress it causes]
Despite all of this, don’t lose your basic niceness
You probably feel as if your niceness is the thing that holds you back from getting what you want. The truth is, being nice never hurts unless you let it hurt you. There are degrees of niceness and too much of it is never a good thing.
Don’t change who you are, thinking it is your basic goodness that keeps you behind. You don’t want to become those people who’ve hurt you, won by cheating, or made you feel less than.
Remember, you don’t have to change who you are to do that. Redefine what nice is and who is worthy of your niceness and who is not. [Read: Toxic people – 48 warning signs and the best ways to deal with them]
There is a difference between being nice and being the nice guy. It is a good thing to be nice, but it is never a good thing to let people take advantage of your kindness. Don’t lose your essence because you think being honest, fair, and kind gets you in trouble.
What keeps you back is a fear of being your true self and putting yourself first. You don’t have to learn how to stop being a nice guy completely, you just need to know where the boundaries are.
[Read: 25 ways to become the badass you’ve always wanted to be]
If you’re tired of being Mr. Nice Guy, change your persona and learn how to stop being a nice guy. Don’t turn into a complete jerk, but instead improve the way you communicate with women.
