When your ex texts you out of the blue there are a few ways you can respond. But, which is the best way to protect your heart?
Have you ever been blindsided by a text from your ex? If you aren’t on great speaking terms, this sudden interest, however mild, confuses and upsets you. Why are they texting you now?
That is a good question. Luckily, there is probably a simple answer. Read on to learn why you ex texted you out of the blue, and what you can do about it.
What to do when your ex texts you
So, what is your first response when your ex texts you? You might be filled with questions, asking yourself what you should say, or if you should say anything at all.
The first and most important step is to take a minute before making any decisions. Your initial reaction is probably one of shock, confusion, or even annoyance. If you miss your ex it may be a pleasant surprise. If you don’t, it might be heart sinking dread.
The context of the text matters too. Are they asking for their sweatshirt back or do they need you to stop using their Netflix password? Are they reaching out just to say what’s up? Or do they miss you romantically?
Before deciding what to say, consider the text and think about what you want. Depending on the outcome you want there are multiple ways to handle the conversation when your ex texts you. [Read: 12 reasons why the no contact rule always works]
How you answer *or if you answer* depends on what outcome you want
Do you want to get back together with your ex? Or do you want to move on? Do you think your ex wants to get back together with you?
Some answers are easy. If you want to cut your ex out of your life, don’t respond to their text. It may feel mean or cruel, but having firm boundaries can save you a lot of heartache down the road. Maybe someday you can be friends, but if you still have raw feelings it is best to just ignore that text from your ex.
If they are clearly reaching out for one question or to pick up something they may have left with you, answer if you really believe that is all it is. And if you have both moved on, then you should be able to cordially deal with things like this. [Read: 15 reasons why your ex stills texts you and stays in touch]
If you know you don’t want to have a friendship with your ex, then when your ex texts you keep that at the forefront of your mind. Try not to let the conversation wander off topic. Complete this task and keep moving forward.
But remember, you do not owe them anything, especially if they didn’t treat you right. So unless you ended on good terms or don’t mind dealing with something circumstantial, don’t answer when your ex texts you.
Go ahead and gossip to your friends about how weird and random it is. Then delete it and move on to greener pastures. [Read: How to let go of someone you love by hating them]
Why did my ex text me?
If your ex is asking you a specific question or to return an item, the reason for their text is obvious. If they are just saying hi, there may be ulterior motives at play. Here are a few common reasons your ex might text you out of the blue.
1. Breadcrumbing
“Breadcrumbing” is a new term that refers to the methods people use to keep someone interested in them. They might not be willing to commit to the person, but they want to keep enjoying the attention they receive from them. So they leave little tidbits of attention, or “breadcrumbs” in the hope that the person will respond and continue to feed their ego.
If you suspect your ex is breadcrumbing you to see if you will still give them attention and affection, bail. Its not fair to use you as a crutch. They can either give you all of their attention or none at all. [Read: 12 shameless signs of breadcrumbing people use for an ego boost]
2. They just got dumped
Did you ex leave for someone else, and now all of a sudden they are very interested in you and how you are doing? It doesn’t take an investigator to figure that one out: you ex just got dumped, and is looking for a “safe bet” to soothe their ego and maybe have sex with.
Don’t fall for this. Even if you really want to get back together, don’t take back an ex who did this. It’s only going to make them think their behavior was okay to begin with.
3. They want to hook up
Hooking up with an ex is a bad idea, for many reasons. Some people believe that they can be “friends with benefits” with an ex, but that line gets blurry quickly. And if your ex stays in your life, it prevents you from moving on and meeting someone else.
4. They miss you and want to get back together
There is always the chance that your ex simply misses you and wants to get back together. How to proceed with that is up to you, depending on what you want. But in these situations it is important to remember why you broke up in the first place. Do you really want to put yourself through that again?
5. They’re lonely
This is a tough one, but your ex might just be reaching out because they are lonely. If you are hopeful to get back together, this might initially seem like a good thing. However, the fact that they wait until they are feeling bad to reach out to you indicates they aren’t as interested in you as they are themselves.
6. They want to see if you still like them
Your ex could be texting you out of the blue to see if you still like them. This is good if they feel the same way and want to rekindle a relationship, and bad if they are just using you for an ego boost. Only you knows your ex well enough to tell the difference, so tread carefully. [Read: Does my ex miss me? 23 signs your Ex is clearly not over you yet]
7. They’re feeling jealous
Have you recently moved on with your life? Maybe you started dating someone new, or perhaps you are just happy and confident. What ever it is, your ex may text you out of the blue because they are jealous of your newfound happiness. Remember that misery loves company, so hold strong. You don’t want to lose all the progress you have made to a jealous ex.
8. They haven’t moved on
Your ex could be texting you because they haven’t moved on from the relationship. They miss you, and are still struggling with the breakup. How you respond depends on what kind of relationship you are interested in having with your ex. But remember, in a world where you can be anything, it pays to be kind– especially to someone you once had a loving relationship with.
How to respond to an ex who wants to rekindle the relationship when you don’t
Your ex texts you out of the blue, and to add to the general confusion they tell you that they want you back. This is a tough scenario if you do not feel the same way. However the relationship ended you have decided that you are happier now, and not interested in continuing to pursue a relationship with your ex.
If this is the case, you need to let them down gently. Unless they are being rude or nasty, there is no need for harshness. Tell them that you appreciate them reaching out, but you have moved on with your life and are happier now.. If they cannot understand that, then they probably didn’t care for you as much as they claim.
How to respond to an ex you would like to keep a relationship with
If you don’t want to have a relationship with that person and they aren’t asking anything specific, you can easily ignore a text from your ex.
But if you were happy when your ex texted you, you’ll want to take a different method when it comes to responding. If you want to carry out a conversation or try to be friends, or maybe more, there are some things you’ll want to say and others you’ll want to avoid.
1. Be friendly
Whether you still hold bitterness from the break up or not, keep your exchanges cordial and polite. There is no need to be petty.
If you’re interested in getting back together you can totally tease and flirt. Don’t to push buttons or bring up anything that caused a rift in your relationship. [Read: Are you still in love with your ex?]
2. Don’t go back to how things were
It can be very tempting to pick up from where you left off. If they say they miss you, it can be so easy to say it back and fall back into old patterns. But, remember there is a reason you broke up. You don’t want to destroy all the hard work you put into being an independent person by regressing.
If you do want to get back together, make sure you talk about what caused your breakup in the first place and work through it so that it doesn’t become a problem once again.
3. Be cautious
A lot of the time an ex will reach out just to test the waters. They want to see if you’ll answer, if they still have a shot, and if you’re still open to them. They may have no intention of meeting up or getting back together. And they may want to cause drama for you or just remind you of their presence.
Even if you have hope things can work out, be prepared for them to disappear soon. [Read: Is my ex thinking of me? A guide to pick all the right signs]
4. Be honest
You have already done the hard part– breaking up– so now is not the time to pull punches. If you aren’t interested, do not lead your ex on or lie about your feelings for them or you. If they say they miss you and you don’t want to get back together, don’t lie. There is no use in sugarcoating it now.
If you want to try for friendship, tell them you miss their company and friendship but aren’t romantically interested in them. But if they want more from you, they are unlikely to be tempted by this compromise.
If you do want to get back together with your ex, but are afraid they don’t feel the same way, be honest. It might blow up your chances at friendship, but can you realistically be friends with someone you have strong feelings for anyway?
5. Ask for their intentions
If you are unsure what they want, ask. If your ex hasn’t asked you a specific question or made it clear why they texted you, ask them straight up. Say something like, “It is nice to hear from you, but it is also sort of random. Is there a reason you texted?”
They should come out with it and let you know if they miss you, if they want to ask you something, or if they just want to talk. [Read: 15 revealing questions to know if you should even be talking to your ex]
6. Don’t let it get nasty
If you’re still furious at your ex, a casual text out of the blue from them can feel tone deaf and infuriating. It can be easy to pick up where you left off when your ex texts you. You might want to say something nasty to hurt them, or pick a fight. Don’t bother–you’re no longer together. There is no need for it.
If you are going to respond, keep things civil. As the old saying goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
7. For friendship, keep the conversation neutral
If you are talking to your ex friends and hoping you can salvage that part of your relationship, catch up. Talk up your latest work project, friends, hobbies, etc. Keep the conversation neutral and steer away from anything too personal.
If you want to be friends, then treat your ex like a friend. Catch up on the stuff you would talk about with any other friend you haven’t heard from in a while. [Read: Texting your ex on their birthday – 16 clues to make up your mind]
8. Don’t talk about your dating life
As much as you want to catch up and it is nice to do so, try not to bring up your dating life. Sure, if you keep talking or feel like they have feelings for you, you will have to let them know if you’re seeing someone. But don’t vent about dating or talk intimately about it.
Eventually, you may be able to share dating stories or even offer each other advice due to your history. Don’t rub it in if you’re just talking briefly.
9. Don’t have serious conversations with your ex via text
Texting is a notoriously terrible way to communicate. If you want to be friends or are considering getting back together, texting may not be the best route. Not only are misunderstandings more likely to occur via text, but you can’t really see if your feelings have changed unless you meet up.
If you have something serious to say or want to be friends, meet in person. If you meet publicly you can focus on talking. [Read: The things you need to hear before you sleep with an ex you still love]
10. Do not meet up with your ex in private
Whether you want to get back together or not, meeting up with your ex in person and in public is the best way to talk about both of your intentions without distractions. It is less intimate that meeting in private.
If you meet up at one of your places, old feelings can rise to the surface and lead to a hookup that you may wish didn’t happen later on. Sure, you may want that. Try to talk things out first, not after.
[Read: The signs your ex isn’t completely over you yet]
No matter what the situation is, now know what to do when your ex texts you. So the next time you hear from your ex, give this a serious thought and take the next step.
