You’ve recently gone through a breakup, but maybe you’re regretting the separation. There are a lot of things to consider and a lot of ways you can win them back. Here’s what you need to know about how to get your ex back.
We’ve all made stupid mistakes before. Unfortunately, those mistakes can sometimes cost us our relationships. Of course, if you come to the realization that you need them in your life, it’s not too late; you can always try to fix things and figure out how to get your ex back.
But just to clarify, there are certain things that just can’t be forgiven. If you cheated, there’s a chance your partner won’t forgive you. However, if you said a few things you didn’t truly mean, you can try to get your ex back by owning up to your mistakes.
And also, before you do anything, it’s important to ask yourself why you want to get back with your ex. Remember the reason you broke up and figure out whether that problem has been solved and forgiven or not.
It might not have been something either of you did. Sometimes people break up just because they started to drift apart. Whatever the reason was, don’t just pretend it never existed. If you do that, the relationship will just eventually end for the exact same reason. [Read: How to get your ex-boyfriend back after a regretful parting]
When you should definitely NOT get back with your ex
Each situation differs from person to person, but there are times when getting back with your ex turns out to be impossible or even highly destructive.
Before proceeding, we really need to emphasize that there are times when you shouldn’t get back together with an ex, under any circumstances. These include:
1. Your ex was emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive
2. They are now seeing someone else
3. Your ex told you directly that he or she is not open for reconciliation, no matter what you do
4. They are in a state of depression, anger, or desperation
5. You will experience irreparable harm to your finances, career, and well-being if you get back together with an ex
[Read: Do you miss your ex or think about them often?]
All of these are the main reasons why getting back with an ex could never be a good idea. These instances will only cause more harm than good if you were to decide to get back together with your ex.
If you cannot relate to any of the items on that list, though, you can proceed to the next section of this feature.
Why do I want to get back with my ex?
First, do you want them back for the right reasons? Ask yourself why you want your ex back, and be honest with yourself. [Read: Am I in an abusive relationship? 17 sure signs!]
The reason why you and your ex are not together is because your relationship didn’t work out. Specific circumstances may have led you to this point, but one thing is absolutely clear: someone screwed up.
It could have been you, it could have been your ex, or it could have been both of you. [Read: How to get your ex–girlfriend back if you regret the breakup]
Now that the relationship is over, it’s time to regroup and look at why things went wrong to see if there’s a way to get them right again. Still, you have to ask yourself, “Why do I want this relationship back?”
Was it you who made a mistake? Did either of you do something wrong? Were you not ready for a relationship then?
We could go on and on about why you might want to get back together with your ex, but you are the only person who can say with any certainty if your reason is good enough. [Read: Are you still in love with your ex?]
What makes an ex come back?
Sure, you want to get back together with them. But why would an ex come back to you if it wasn’t their idea? There are several reasons, and here are some of them:
1. They miss you
Just because you broke up doesn’t mean that they might not miss having you in their life. You probably had a lot of good times together that they remember fondly. They also might just miss your companionship.
2. They still love you
There is a possibility that they still love you. Some love runs deep and can last forever.
So, maybe they just can’t shake the fact that they still have feelings for you. They might have tried to move on, but they couldn’t. [Read: Is it normal to still love your ex? 15 good reasons why you do]
3. They are lonely
Now, this isn’t the greatest reason for your ex to get back together with you. In fact, it’s not a good one at all. Being lonely isn’t a reason to go back to a relationship that wasn’t working. But for many people, it is a reason why they do it.
4. You have changed *or they have*
If you were the one who made the most mistakes in the relationship, maybe they think you’ve changed for the better and are willing to give you another chance. Or if they were the one who screwed up, they have matured and changed themselves.
5. They can’t see a future without you
If they still love and miss you, then they might not be able to imagine their future without you.
They might still be very attached to you and unable to let go of the dream they had of the two of you being together forever. [Read: 26 different types of relationships to predict your romantic life and future]
How long does it take for an ex to come back?
This is not an easy question to answer because everyone, every breakup, and every situation is different.
For example, if you are the one who betrayed them by cheating or doing something else wrong, then it might take them a long time to forgive you. In that case, you should be incredibly patient.
On the other hand, if the breakup was relatively friendly, then they might be ready to get back together with you right away. [Read: Still in love with your ex – 19 ways to accept it is normal and let go of the past]
You see, how long it takes your ex to come back to you is completely up to them. The best advice we have is to not have any specific timeline in your head. Just let them lead and they will let you know when they are ready.
Signs you should think about getting back with an ex
The first thing you can do is to try to look at your situation objectively and take these things into consideration. You don’t want to act too quickly and decide to get back together on a whim. [Read: How to date your ex the second time and get second time lucky]
1. Caught in the moment
There are times when you are overcome with so much anger in the moment that you decide to break up, right off the bat. It’s important not to let your ego get in the way of finding a resolution.
Whatever it is, your breakup may not be well-thought-out and, after the smoke clears, you may find yourself regretting your decision.
If this is the case, you should swallow your pride, put your tail between your legs, and ask for another chance. Good luck! [Read: Signs your past relationship is holding you back]
2. The situation
Maybe you and your ex decided to go your separate ways because you both found your lives going separate ways. Maybe it was a long-distance relationship, and you couldn’t take the distance.
Or maybe one of you is more hell-bent on building a career than keeping the relationship intact. Whatever your reason for your breakup, it may have been fixed now.
You could’ve found yourself in a better place in your life now, and when it comes to getting back together – that may just be the thing that saves the relationship the second time around. [Read: Reasons why the no contact rule always works]
3. What they said
Often, we’re so caught in our own bubble, we forget to look at the bigger picture. Usually, after a breakup, friends and family will tell you to forget about your ex and move on.
They may be right. Even if you’re brokenhearted, they probably see sides to your crumbled love story that your rose-colored glasses weren’t able to see.
But what if they keep telling you that you were stupid and crazy and you should get back with your ex? They may see that your relationship is really worth saving, after all. [Read: Should you text your ex happy birthday? 20 yes-or-no signs and 35 text ideas]
If you try to see things from their perspective, they could be right. Sometimes, your friends and family know you better than you know yourself, so listening to them just this once may pay off.
4. Miserably alone
Have you ever gone through a breakup so bad that after the fact, you end up being so miserable that you can’t get out of bed, and you keep thinking deep, dark, morbid thoughts?
Some say it’s just a phase—that when you have miserable feelings and you honestly believe you can’t live without your ex it’s just post-breakup drama. [Read: Stages of a breakup that everyone has to go through]
However, what if that phase doesn’t go away, and you’re just not the same without your ex? What if, after years have passed, you are still not over *and you believe you can never get over* your ex? [Read: I miss my ex – why you miss them and 20 ways to forget them for good]
The clincher here is this: what if your ex feels the same way? If this is the case, then what’s stopping you two? Just get back together already!
5. Time
It’s been said that time heals all wounds. Often, people just need time to think, time to be by themselves, to be away, to grow, to realize their mistakes, and to realize what they have lost. [Read: Signs your rocky relationship deserves another chance]
You may have been childhood sweethearts who grew apart, but over time, you finally forgot what made you break up, and all you remember is the way they excited those butterflies in your stomach and how much you really love the person.
After some time, the world turned, and the universe still conspired to bring the two of you back into each other’s lives. Maybe, before, the timing was just off, and now is the time to start over. Don’t wait any longer to get back together.
6. Wavelength
You like cats and he’s allergic to them. He loves Persian food and you can’t stand the smell of spices. You like things organized and he’s a slob. [Read: Do opposites attract or push each other away? The must-know truths]
Incompatibility is one of the major drives that split up a couple. What if, after some time has passed, you have a change of heart and you find Persian cuisine irresistible?
In time, things are going to change and both of you may find yourselves more open to adjusting to your differences. Things will be different this time for you two, and you may find yourselves having more in common, after all.
It’s more likely that you changed your mind and priorities over time and were able to put things into better perspective, making you a better match for each other. [Read: Dating your opposite – how to know if you can make it work for you]
7. Greener grass
So, the end of your relationship has come, and you can’t wait to get back into dating someone again.
However, after one blind date after another and another *and still another you would rather forget*, you realize that the grass really isn’t greener on the other side.
In fact, beyond the fence is a dull, rotting wasteland and you’d rather go back to where you feel comfortable, happy, and alive. [Read: Signs that prove you are still really attached to your ex]
This time, jump back over the fence, return to your grass, water it, nurture it, and see what will grow. In short, if it’s with your ex that you’d truly be happy and contented, go for it!
8. Older and wiser
When we’re young, we tend to be immature and impulsive. Small things often just exploded into big fights. And how many times did you threaten to break up, up until you guys finally did?
Over time, you may find yourselves wondering if you should’ve just let those little things go, been a little more patient, and held on.
It’s over. But now that you’re older and wiser, you want to give your ex another chance.
You feel confident that it’s going to be different because you are both mature enough to not make the same mistakes that led to the end of the relationship the first time around.
If this is you, give that love another chance.
9. Believing in second chances
If you’re like many of those who still believe in true love and second chances, why not give your lost love another chance?
There really is no written-in-stone rule that you can’t get back together with an ex, so if it feels right to you, why not give things another shot? [Read: Breakup to makeup – ways to give love a second chance]
If you understand that your ex made a mistake and you have your own shortcomings, too, then maybe you’re open to forgiving, forgetting, and moving forward.
If you both still believe that you can work things out, and are willing to work on having a successful relationship, then go ahead. [Read: Give him a second chance? How to know if he’s sorry and won’t hurt you]
10. It was the greatest ever
There’s nothing like true love. Once you’ve had it, you know it! [Read: 16 signs your ex seriously wants you back in their life]
You know you found “the one,” and the same goes for your ex. However, due to one reason or another, you had to go separate ways.
You tried to get over that love you still believe was the greatest love you will ever have, but nothing worked. You just can’t get over how amazing that person is, and how perfect you are for each other, despite your individual imperfections.
If you know deep in your heart of hearts that you had the greatest love ever, then go ahead, winning back your ex is a good idea! [Read: Is your ex thinking about you? Watch for these subtle signs]
11. Come to think of it…
Whatever you fought about may not be petty, but it sure is fixable. Maybe you broke up because your ex didn’t like it when you always brought your nosy friends over, or you just lacked some romantic time due to your busy schedules.
Once you’ve gotten to the bottom of your problem, you’ll realize that you can both make a compromise and you can still work on a new version of your relationship.
12. Syncing
There’s a phase of almost every relationship where things don’t work out because you find that you want different things in life, or that you have different priorities. You may see that your relationship is going nowhere. [Read: Commitment phobia – 15 signs you’re just not ready to commit]
However, people change, whether through time or after a major life event. They may change their mind about what they want, or they may reach a level of maturity that puts the two of you on the same wavelength now.
13. Forgiveness
If the breakup was initiated by your ex in the first place, see how they feel about what they did. Do they regret their mistake?
Are they genuinely sorry about what happened? If you’re the erring party, do you truly feel remorseful and sorry for what you did?
In order for you to get back together and move on from what happened, forgiveness must be established, and whoever did wrong should make it a point to hugely make up for what they did and never make the same mistake again. [Read: Should you forgive and forget? 15 guidelines to follow]
Struggles of getting back together
If you think getting back together with your ex is the right decision, consider where you’ll go from here. Getting back together doesn’t necessarily mean happily ever after, as there are, of course, many hurdles you’ll need to cross.
This is especially true if your breakup hasn’t been so smooth and there’s been a lot of hurtful words and mudslinging thrown both ways.
Here are the things you should consider when you’re thinking about whether getting back together would be the best option:
1. Hit rewind?
It’s pretty normal to miss your ex and want to rekindle an old flame – but should you? [Read: The power of words can make or break your relationship]
When you were both arguing and breaking up, there were probably a lot of heated exchanges. There may have also been painful, bitter words thrown around on both sides.
But with some work, sincerity, and forgiveness on both ends, the two of you may be able to move on together still.
2. Breaking the news
So, after telling everyone how you hated your ex’s guts and despised basically everything about them… how are you going to break the news that you’ve gotten back together? [Read: Signs your friends are ruining your relationship]
This can be a little awkward, as you may feel like you owe some explanation to those closest to you. Your best bet? Just be honest.
3. Changing your parents’ opinion
There’s also the matter of trying to change your parents’ minds about your ex.
When you broke up, you likely came home to them crying and furious, telling them all the “awful” things your ex did. Maybe – potentially – you conveniently exaggerated your story to paint your then-partner in a bad light. [Read: Overprotective parents – 28 signs, psychological effects, and how to deal]
So now that you’re back together, how can you make them like your ex again? They’ll probably tell you to just go find someone else.
4. Alienation risks
After all the drama and tears, there will be friends who will support your decision to get back together with your ex. And there will also be those who will likely think you’re crazy.
You might risk losing the trust of your friends, as they might not get behind your decisions in the future.
They might also scoff at your woes the next time you approach them about problems with your ex, who is now your partner again. [Read: How to help a guy through a breakup and be the good friend he needs]
5. Social media fuss
Of course, there’s the hassle of re-adding each other on social media again. And since nothing is secret anymore, people will notice this and start talking behind your back, too.
If that’s not all, you’ll have to change your relationship status again, and this will not go unnoticed by friends who keep a keen eye on their notifications. [Read: Why social media is killing your relationship]
6. Room for doubt
After all the trouble and heartache caused by your breakup, your relationship is not going to be the same anymore. You may both question your real motives for reconciliation.
Research shows that those who experienced breakups and got back with their ex have higher tendencies towards distrust. Unfortunately, that little ball of doubt in the pit of your stomach will always be there.
The first few days or weeks of getting back together may make you feel over the moon, but still, you may have that voice in the back of your head asking, “How long is this going to last this time?” Would you want to be with someone who you don’t fully trust?
7. Is it a new relationship?
While it’s easy to dwell on the past and let it haunt you, getting back together means that you both have to make a conscious *and extra hard* effort to start anew. [Read: What to do when the one who got away comes back]
Is it going to be like a new relationship? You both have to figure that one out. One thing is for sure, though: if you stay as you were before and don’t make a change, then your relationship is totally doomed.
What NOT to do when you want to get back together with a former lover
Before we get into how to get back together with an ex, there are a few things you should know right off the bat.
Firstly, you can’t spam their phone, texts, Facebook, or any other form of social media with apologies. That looks desperate and needy and will definitely not win them back. If anything, that will only get your chances of getting your ex back to zero. [Read: Things you do that’ll make him think you’re a stalker]
Secondly, you can’t expect them to come crawling back without any effort at all. Nor can you expect them to want you back if you try to make your ex feel jealous by getting with someone else. This is the last thing you want to do if you want to win back your ex. [Read: When your ex wants you back – 20 steps to decide what’s best for you]
These are two HUGE no-nos if you want to get your ex back permanently.
However the relationship ended, you need to be honest and upfront if there is to be a second time around. Don’t start it on a dishonest or underhanded basis.
Make sure that you lay everything out on the table and see where it takes you. Maybe the second time around will be much better than the first. [Read: 42 proven secrets to stop thinking about your ex and forget them for good]
1. Calling and texting them all the time
You might feel desperate to get your ex back, but you really shouldn’t act desperately. A desperate person is a turn-off for most people. The reason for that is that it makes it seem like you lack self-esteem.
People who love themselves are way more attractive that people who don’t. So, don’t call and text them all the time. Leave the ball in their court.
2. Begging and trying to use pity
Along the same lines of calling and texting all the time, you also don’t want to beg or ask for their pity. That is a victim mentality. You are giving away your power to them. [Read: How to stop being needy – why people get clingy and 32 ways to fix it]
Don’t do that. You need to display self-confidence. And when you beg your ex to get back together, you are not acting with self-assurance. Instead, have the attitude of “anyone would want me” not “no one wants me.”
3. Let them walk all over you
If you’re seeing a theme here, you’re right. If you let them walk all over you or let them take advantage of you, then you don’t respect yourself.
Even if you did do that, you have to ask yourself why you would want to get back together with a person who would do that to you. You should be with a person who treats you with respect. [Read: How to say no – 15 ways to reason politely, stop pleasing, and feel kick ass]
4. Showering them with affection
This is similar to begging and pleading, although it looks different. If you are showering them with a lot of affection or gifts, then you are looking desperate again.
So, just don’t do that. That doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly and affectionate sometimes, just don’t let it cross the line into “desperation territory”.
5. Freaking out when your ex starts dating
Your ex may still be single, but maybe they’re not. After all, they are not in a relationship with you anymore, so they could be in the process of moving on. [Read: Why it’s normal to feel strange when your ex dates someone new]
If you find out that they are dating around or seeing someone new, don’t freak out. It’s normal and natural to do that after a breakup, and they are allowed to see whomever they want.
6. Name-calling and anger
If you had a toxic relationship or breakup *or if you are a toxic person*, don’t resort to horrible behaviors such as name-calling and anger. This will get you absolutely nowhere.
So, control your emotions and actions. No one wants to get back together with someone who is going to treat them badly. After all, you should be on your best behavior if you’re trying to win them back, right? [Read: How to calm down when you’re angry and regain your composure quickly]
7. The obsession and misinterpretation
It’s easy for someone to be obsessed with their ex if they didn’t want to break up in the first place. But obsession just makes you look crazy. And no one wants to date a crazy person!
Also, watch yourself so you don’t misinterpret their words and actions. For example, they might be acting very friendly toward you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve made up their mind to get back together with you.
How to get an ex back and get them to forgive you
If you didn’t do anything unforgivable and you realize how much you truly want to be with this person, there are a few strategies you can use to get them back. [Read: Are you still in love with your ex?]
Just know that you’ll have to work on it, and you’ll have to continue to work on being a better partner if you do get your boyfriend or girlfriend back.
1. Do some self-reflecting
Sit down and ask yourself why you messed up. What did you do to ruin your relationship with your ex, and why did you do it?
Are you a really jealous person, and you lashed out for no reason? Will it happen again? Are you capable of going through those same feelings again and screwing up for the second time?
If so, you might want to get to the bottom of what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling this way in the first place. Most of the time that has nothing to do with your significant other and everything to do with your own problems.
Figure out if you have some issues, and then work on bettering yourself so you can be the partner someone else deserves.
You might also want to consider asking for breakup advice from a reliable friend that will help you understand what you did wrong. [Read: How to stop being selfish – 20 ways to stop hurting and using others]
Forgiveness is something you can get by working on yourself first. We’re certain your ex will appreciate it if you try to be a better person.
2. Think about it seriously
You need to think about whether this is a good idea or not. Sure, you’re emotional right now, but you also need to think with your head.
How was the relationship? Were you genuinely happy? More importantly, what made you break up in the first place? [Read: How to repair the damage when you’ve been cheated on]
If it was something serious, like cheating, then you need to really think if this is the right person for you.
3. Fix yourself up
Wipe away those tears and throw away the tissues. It’s time to stop crying and start being proactive about getting your ex back.
First of all, you need to look like someone who is ready to be in a relationship again. Attraction is important, and it all starts with your appearance and lifestyle. [Read: How to look hot – 24 sexy tips to go from boring to irresistibly desirable!]
Be healthy, keep yourself fit, and always look your best when you go out. You never know when you might run into your ex, so it can help to bring your A-game 24/7.
We mean it. The purpose of this is not to pander to your ex’s appreciation for your appearance, but rather to boost your self-confidence.
Show yourself that you are worthy of being loved, and your ex will soon see what they’ve been missing out on. [Read: How self-respect affects you and your relationship]
4. If the breakup isn’t recent, send your ex a text or a private message
Calling or just showing up at your ex’s place may be too forward and too confrontational. It might make your ex completely defensive, and they’ll just shoot you down before you can even bring up the possibility of being together again.
Often, it’s better if you send a message instead, just to give your ex some time to think about whether to reply or not.
If your ex replies amicably enough, then great! If not, don’t take it too personally. Your ex might be suspicious of your message. [Read: How to ask someone out over text and get that satisfying “yes”]
Try to send another message at another time, and keep your fingers crossed that you’ll get a response.
If after about three messages, spanning over the course of a week or two, you still get no response, there’s a huge chance that getting back together is out of the question.
5. Admit your mistakes
You probably don’t want to know what you’ve done wrong, but if you want to be in the position to get back with an ex or get them to at least give you a chance, you have to own up to the wrong you’ve done. [Read: 28 heartfelt ways to say you’re sorry and apologize to someone you love]
You can’t just expect your ex to take you back if you ignore the fact that you messed up. Admit your mistakes.
Tell your ex how wrong it was for you to do whatever it is you did to them. Make sure they know that you recognize the wrongdoing and you’re aware of why it was messed up in the first place.
Without doing so, don’t expect that things will be different. [Read: When does an ex start to miss you? The bittersweet truth revealed]
Even if you miraculously get back together without addressing the problem, it’ll come back to break you two up eventually. However, make sure that it’s all genuine and that you’re not just saying what you think they want to hear.
Also, please don’t do it via text, as your ex would probably just think you’re not sincere.
6. Give your ex an honest apology
Sit them down and actually apologize to your ex directly from the heart. If you truly want them back, then you really are sorry.
If you’re just saying sorry for the sake of getting back together and you don’t really mean it, they’ll be able to tell. And they won’t get back with you. [Read: How to apologize and say sorry to a lover]
Make sure they understand how sorry you really are and that you know how much whatever you did hurt them. Apologize, mean it, and ask for forgiveness. [Read: 17 aww-so-sweet ways to genuinely say you’re sorry]
7. Elaborate
Explain your reasoning for why you want to get back together. Make sure that they know you’re willing to change by outlining your mistakes and telling them how you’re going to fix things.
If you feel that your ex needs to change as well, this is the perfect time to squeeze that in.
This is an all-or-nothing conversation, so it’s best to get things out of the way early on. Do not point fingers as to who caused the breakup.
Just tell your ex about the things that you are willing to do to make things better. [Read: 28 self-improvement secrets to improve yourself and transform into your best self]
8. Give them time to cool down
It’s pretty normal for people to want to get their ex back right after breaking up, but they’ll probably be pretty upset for a while if what you did was bad enough to make them feel the need to leave you. That’s okay.
Contact your ex only to tell them how sorry you are, and then give them some space. Don’t bring up the topic of getting back together yet, as your ex is still probably pissed at this time.
They’ll want to think over what you’ve said without your influence. And that means they’ll need to spend some time away from you. [Read: Should you forgive and forget? 15 guidelines to follow]
Let your ex know that you’ll give them some time, and then don’t contact them. It’s okay if your ex didn’t respond.
Be patient and wait for them to come to you. Don’t text your ex all the time, even if you think that will make you feel better. Doing this will only show your ex that you’re desperate.
Remember that it could take weeks or even months to get your ex back. After all, they have the right to grieve after the breakup. [Read: 40 warm ways to comfort a girl when she’s crying, sad, or feeling down]
9. Keep calm when discussing the state of your relationship
There’s a good chance that you’ll get worked up and angry if the other person is pointing out issues in the relationship aside from what you did wrong. If you’ve broken up, the chances are there are more issues than just that one.
You have to stay calm when talking to your ex. This person is communicating the problems so you can work to get past them.
They may want to make your relationship better and potentially get back together. Calm down and hear everything your ex has to say. [Read: 15 subtle signs your ex really wants you back but isn’t admitting it]
10. Put yourself in their shoes
How would you feel if they treated you the way you’ve treated them? You’d probably be really hurt and would’ve ended the relationship, too.
Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand where they’re coming from with everything. Gaining some perspective will only help your situation. [Read: Reasons why empathy is important in a relationship]
11. Answer any questions they have
They’re entitled to ask some questions when you did something to mess up that badly. Let them sit down and discuss it with you. And answer their questions fully and honestly.
Don’t get upset with some of the questions they’re asking, either. It’s their right to question you when you’ve given them so much heartache.
It’s best to get yourself calm and answer what they ask you with the truth. You don’t want to make the mistake of wasting your chance by [Read: Scenarios when being brutally honest is needed]
12. Make sure you’re really listening
As your ex is talking to you, make sure you’re actually listening to what they say. It’s easy to zone out or to just focus on what you want, but this is about them.
The best way to get your love back is to hear their words, put yourself in their place, and read their body language.
Are they making eye contact and talking to you in a clear way? Or are they avoiding your eye and stumbling over their words? [Read: 19 ways to be a much better listener in a relationship and read their mind]
If it’s the latter, it could be that they’re either holding something back or feeling nervous. By listening, you can work out what’s going on, and you can show them that you’re really paying attention.
13. Ask what they need from you to consider getting back together
If they’re still on the fence about whether or not they want you back, but you believe your ex might still forgive you, ask them what they need from you. Figure out what they’d want you to do if you two got back together in the future.
Usually, their requests are reasonable. If it’s something you can do and you have no issues doing, then tell them you agree. [Read: How to fix a broken relationship and make it last]
But, if it’s something you don’t agree with and is wildly unrealistic, of course, you need to be honest and not agree for the sake of it.
14. What do you want from this relationship?
You need to have a serious talk with them about your intentions. And you also need to be open to any reaction you may get from your ex.
You need to think about what your goal is with this person. Why are you going back to them? How do you see this relationship evolving in two years? Five years? [Read: Couple goals – 27 real and fake things you want in a relationship]
You need to discuss the relationship seriously and what you’re expecting from it. Otherwise, it’s pointless to get back together.
15. You both need to want it
Okay, so you both decided you’re getting back together. But it isn’t going to work unless you both are invested in making the relationship work. If one person is less enthused than the other, then why even get back together?
The second time around isn’t going to be any easier than the first. In fact, it’s probably going to be even harder. [Read: 15 revealing questions to know if you should even be talking to your ex]
So, make sure you both want this and are willing to change to make it work the second time around.
16. Ask your ex out over the phone
Once you get to messaging each other on a more or less regular basis, give your ex a call. It’s up to you if you want your ex to hear just how smitten you still are! After the preliminary chit-chat, ask your ex to hang out with you, even if it’s just as friends.
Yes, it may be deceptive to tell your ex that it’s just as friends, but immediately confessing that you’re still attracted to them might take your ex by surprise. The key here is going through the motions slowly but surely.
Also, make sure that the date has a very casual feel to it. Avoid any romantic settings. If possible, have the “friendly date” in a coffee shop or a restaurant during daylight hours.
17. Treat the relationship as brand new
Yes, you have history, but if you want this to work, you’re going to need to leave the past in the past. The next time you fight, you cannot bring up things that happened in your last relationship.
If you want this to work, you can’t make the same mistakes twice. This is why it’s crucial you think about why you broke up. [Read: How to date an ex again and get second time lucky]
18. Show them how sorry you are
Actions definitely speak louder than words. Sometimes it’s not enough to just tell them you’re sorry. Another way to get an ex back is by going above and beyond to prove you mean what you say.
Be loyal to them even when you’re not technically together. Show them you’re a solid partner and can be in a great relationship.
Back up your words with your actions, and you’ll more likely impress your ex and turn things around if your ex sees that you mean what you say. [Read: Ways to express how you feel through actions]
19. Take it slow
Sure, you’ve already dated them before, but this doesn’t mean you should just jump into things again and pick up where you left off. No way.
Rather, take things slow, real slow. Take your time. Whether you broke up last week or three years ago, you need to make time to get to know each other again.
They may have changed, and you may have changed. Plus, if you treat it as if you’re picking up from the last relationship, you’ll probably end up down the same road. [Read: How to take a relationship slow but now so slow that it ends]
20. Let go of the past
If you want this to work, you can’t hold on to the things they did in the past. Let it go! If you’re wanting them back, even if they cheated on you, you’ll need to let it go.
Now, we wouldn’t recommend going back if they cheated on you, but if this is what you want, you can’t hold it over their heads.
You’re making the decision to be with them again, so drop the past. [Read: How to show respect and better love in your relationship]
21. Create boundaries
Ah yes, boundaries. The idea of creating boundaries sounds harsh. But we need them! If you’ve learned from the past, then you are well aware of the boundaries that need to be implemented.
For example, if you spending too much time at work was a reason for the breakup, then you need to commit to reducing the amount of time you spend at work. It’s about compromising.
22. Learn how to communicate
You’re probably thinking you know how to communicate, but you don’t, or else you’d still be together.
Most of the issues that can contribute to the end of a relationship stem from either a lack of communication or miscommunication. [Read: Communication exercises for couples – easy games to be a better lover]
Either way, figure out what’s not working in this aspect. Are you letting everything bottle up inside of you? How do you express your feelings?
23. Focus on intimacy
This is always a problem for couples who are disconnected. For whatever reason, there was a disconnect in your relationship which led to your breakup.
You both need to agree to focus on intimacy in the relationship. This isn’t just about sex, it’s more than that. It’s kissing, hugging, touching, laughing, and just experiencing loving human connection. [Read: 32 fun ideas to build and grow intimacy in a relationship and feel more loved]
24. Always be honest
It’s hard, but if you’re not honest with your partner, then who can you be honest with? From this point on, you need to make the decision on whether or not you’re going to practice honesty. [Read: The non-negotiables in relationships you shouldn’t compromise on]
If you’re not willing to, then this isn’t the right person for you. But, if you decide to be honest, you’ll see your entire relationship change for the better. [Read: Does your ex still want you? How to decode their deepest desires]
25. Reconnect with your ex’s friends
Once you’re back to hanging out with each other, it may also be a good idea to get back in touch with your ex’s friends and family.
But don’t act like your breakup never happened. Instead, act like someone who has been away for a while, but would just like to catch up. Keep your cool, and don’t act all possessive.
One of the key ways you can try to get back with your ex is by going through their friends. [Read: How to reconnect with old friends and rebuild your lost friendships]
Your ex may be more easily persuaded by a friend who seems to think that you’ve changed for the better, or that a second try might do you both good.
26. Reminisce about the good times
When you’re on your third date *or maybe even on your first, if you want to move things quickly*, you might want to bring up your old relationship.
The way your ex responds to this prompt depends on how your relationship was. Their reaction actually clues you in on your chances of getting back together. [Read: 15 signs your ex is confused about their wants and feelings and what to do]
If they recall the good old days, they might still see you as someone they can fall back in love with.
On the other hand, if your ex seems to see your relationship as a waste of time or a very trying phase in their life, then you need to work on convincing your ex that it won’t be like that the second time around.
27. Show your ex how much you’ve changed
If you’re still the same person whom your ex decided to leave, then asking for them to take you back is like asking them to go through the pain all over again.
You need to highlight some of the things that you’ve changed about yourself for the better. [Read: A guide on effective communication in a relationship]
For instance, you may show signs that you’re now more sensitive to their feelings by showing empathy.
You may tell your ex that you’ve decided to join a program for controlling bad habits like smoking, drinking, gambling, or even anger issues if these are factors that contributed to the breakup.
You could also talk about how you’ve decided to finally pursue a career. This can then make your ex consider that giving you a second chance might not be such a bad idea. [Read: How to recreate your sexual chemistry with your ex]
28. Try to woo your ex again
Even if you show your ex that you’ve changed for the better, you also have to show that the parts your ex loved are still there. Look back at how you were able to catch your ex’s attention originally and use this to attract them a second time.
You may have met during a music event, so you can go to another one to relive the memories. Your ex may have fallen for your great taste in movies and literature, so you can regale them with stories of what you’ve seen and read.
Maybe your ex fell in love with your carefree, devil-may-care attitude. You can show that side of yourself by going out on a spontaneous trip, but still keeping responsibilities in mind. [Read: 20 unconventional date ideas to go on]
29. Emphasize why you want to get back together
Throughout all these fun dates and subtly romantic hints, your ex might still not understand why you’re trying to win them back.
It’s clear that you’re not just after a tumble in bed, but you have to make it clear that your intentions include getting back together for good.
This is ultimately all up to you and your own personal reasons. But one of the most effective things you might bring up is the fact that life just isn’t the same without your ex’s presence. [Read: Different ways to say I love you without saying a word]
You can explain how different it was, and how much better it could be if you were to reconcile.
Another reason you can state is that you’ve never been able to find anyone else who makes you feel the way your ex did.
Of course, you’ll have to own up to the fact that you have been dating other people. But you’re both adults and your ex is bound to understand. [Read: Will my ex come back? 26 reasons and signs they regret leaving you]
30. Show them that you are worth loving again
No matter how many gifts you send or how big of gestures you make, nothing will change your ex’s mind if they think you’re not the best person YOU CAN BE.
What we mean is that no one will want to be in a relationship with someone who is not capable of loving themselves.
In order for your ex to want you back, you must learn to take care of yourself, in mind, body, and spirit, before you can think about taking responsibility for another person’s well-being and emotions. [Read: How to fix a relationship that’s falling apart]
31. They are the one
One of the many reasons people break up is because of commitment issues. Your ex may have left because they didn’t think you’d commit completely.
You can change their mind and get them back by actually proposing marriage. And yes, women can do this, but it takes a woman with a lot of guts to pull this off.
But before you start planning a huge proposal, you have to consider the odds that your ex may or may not accept it. Don’t use your proposal to pressure your ex, as this may just lead to you getting disappointed. [Read: 16 signs your ex also wants you back]
If all else fails and your ex doesn’t want you in their life anymore, don’t be afraid to ask for help from a professional, licensed marriage and family therapist if you think you can’t handle the rejection.
[Read: Is there ever a situation where you should date your ex?]
32. Be patient
Your relationship isn’t going to be perfect overnight. You share a past, so you’re going to need to work on the issues which led to your breakup.
Plus, getting to a good place in a relationship always takes time. You are going to have to reconnect again and build the trust that was lost. [Read: How taking a break in a relationship works]
33. Accept that they might not want you back
What if your ex says they’ve already moved on and are ready for a new relationship?
This is just the reality of making a mistake so big it costs you your relationship. Your ex might not want you back. If that’s the case, there’s really nothing you can do to figure out how to get your ex back.
They simply don’t want you anymore. You can’t force them to. You just have to accept that they want to move on and then move on yourself, especially if this ex is seeing someone else already. [Read: 36 healthy ways to handle rejection and respond positively even if it hurts]
The next thing that you need to do is accept a life without your ex and learn how to recover from the breakup.
What should you say to get your ex back?
Now that you know the steps you should take to get your ex back, what exactly should you say to them to make that happen? Here are some very effective things you can try:
1. “I’m sorry”
If you did something wrong that caused the breakup, or even if you know you could have been a better partner, tell them you are sorry.
Own up to your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions. They will appreciate that you do this. [Read: 20 sweet ways to apologize to your boyfriend and make up for hurting him]
2. “I understand your point of view”
Maybe your ex thought that you were selfish and didn’t have empathy for their point of view. In order to get back together with you, they need to hear that you can feel empathy for them. Tell them that you understand their perspective.
3. “Do you have any questions for me?”
Sometimes when two people break up, one or both people are left with a lot of unfinished business. They might have questions for you that they don’t have the answers to. So, give them the opportunity to ask you what they want to know.
4. “What do you need from me?”
You can also ask them what they want you to do so that they will be open to the possibility of getting back together with you.
Do they need you to communicate with them better? Or maybe they want more intimacy and affection?
5. “What do you want?”
You can’t be so focused on what you want *to get back together with them* that you don’t ask them what they want. Remember, you don’t want to pressure or bully them into reconciling. They have to do it because they want to.
6. “Will you go out on a date with me?”
If you have been having conversations with them and they seem to be receptive to the idea of getting back together, then ask them out on a date. Treat it like a first date and make them feel special. This shows that you’re serious.
7. “Do you remember when…”
You can also work the nostalgia angle too. When you talk, you can bring up old memories of the good times you had together.
Then, talk about it and reminisce about how you used to be happy. This will create good feelings within them. [Read: Old love letters and memories – keep or throw them?]
8. “I’ve changed”
If one of the reasons that you broke up is because you messed up, then they need to know that you have really changed. You can’t just say that you changed, however. Your actions have to really show that you have, otherwise, they won’t stay with you.
9. “Here’s why I want you back”
When you say to your ex why you want to get back together with them, you need to give them good reasons. It should be focused on how wonderful they are and that you love them. Stay away from reasons like “I am lonely” because that’s not about them.
10. “You are The One”
Sometimes people break up because one person sees a forever future with them but the other one is not sure.
So, if you were the ‘not sure’ one and have changed your mind, then you need to tell them that you finally know that they are The One. [Read: Is he the one? 32 signs to know if he’s the one who’s perfect for you]
11. “I love and miss you”
It always feels good when other people tell us that they love and miss us. So, your ex would probably appreciate hearing that too, even if they don’t feel the same way. This shows that you appreciate them and that they are special to you.
When should you give up trying to get your ex back?
Sure, you want your ex back badly. And sometimes that feeling makes people not know when to give up. But there are some scenarios where you should. Here they are:
1. If they are dating someone else
If your ex is dating or in a relationship with someone else, then this is a very good reason to give up.
It’s not your place to try to break them up just for your own selfish needs and wants. Leave them alone and get on with your life. [Read: Taming the green monster – when is a girl’s jealousy okay?]
2. If you are dating someone else
You would think that if you’re dating or in a relationship with someone else, you wouldn’t want your ex back. But maybe you’re not happy, so you try anyway. That’s a bad idea. You need to be single before you pursue your ex again.
3. If they are non-responsive to your attempts
If you find that you are texting and calling and they barely respond *or don’t respond at all*, that’s because they don’t want to. They’re not just ‘busy, so you need to stop making excuses for them. They don’t want to talk to you.
4. If they are stringing you along
Maybe they will talk to you and then you get your hopes up that they are willing to take you back.
But then they go silent on you for a while and it makes you confused. Then they talk to you again. [Read: Breadcrumbing – what it is, 28 signs to see it, how to respond, and why people do it]
If they’re stringing you along like this, they are either not very interested or they are doing it on purpose to punish you.
5. If they flat-out tell you they don’t want to get back together
You would think that this would be enough for some people to give up, but sometimes it’s not. A lot of people just can’t take “no” for an answer and will try even harder. But when someone tells you that they don’t want to be with you, believe them.
6. If they block you
Maybe they tried to tell you nicely that they don’t want to get back together with you, but you just wouldn’t give up.
Then, they might feel like they have no other choice but to block you everywhere. If that’s not your answer, then what is? [Read: Just stop trying! The signs your ex doesn’t really want you back]
What if neither of you did anything wrong?
Of course, it could be that nobody made a mistake or did anything to hurt the other one. It may be that your relationship just fizzled out, or you found that you were incompatible on some level.
If this is the case and you want to learn how to get your ex back, you have to be willing to really work on the reason why it ended.
As we mentioned before, don’t just pass it over and assume it’s forgotten. Things may be wonderful for a while, but once the honeymoon phase is over, old problems will no doubt start to rear their ugly heads… again! [Read: Lack of communication and why it signals the end]
The best thing you can do in this situation is to be open and honest.
Communication is vital. Sit down with your ex and talk about what went wrong. Be honest on both sides, and don’t use language that proportions blame. Avoid “you did this” and “you did that.” Stick to facts. [Read: When your ex wants you back – Is it what you want and need?]
Once you’ve worked out what the issue was, can you overcome it? Has anything changed, or is the same issue still there, lurking in the background?
To get your ex back quickly, you both need to be willing to put in the hard work to change the reason you broke up last time.
If you’re both keen to put in the effort, great. If not, perhaps it’s best to leave things in the past and get over the idea of getting back together. [Read: Why slow and steady is the key when getting back with an ex]
Why you shouldn’t think of getting back with your ex
Maybe you’re still on the fence and still not sure if you should get back together with your ex. Sometimes there is a reason why the past belongs in the past. It is a great place to visit, but you know that you wouldn’t want to live there.
Getting back with your ex can become the greatest form of self-sabotage. While it might be so tempting, and you find yourself so drawn to its appeal, it is best to ignore its false charms.
1. You are denying yourself and your partner the happiness that both deserve
Happiness is an abstract term, and one cannot really quantify it. Ask yourself this question: were you truly happy with your ex? If so, then why did you break up with them in the first place? [Read: Reasons you shouldn’t give your ex another chance]
Remember that happiness is more than the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling that you get every time you are with them. It is the degree of comfort that one feels, the feeling of peace, of affirmation when one is around that person.
Getting back with your ex will deny both of you the happiness of meeting someone new.
2. Only ghosts dwell in the past
The reason why many people find that they cannot move on is because they tend to live in the past, very much like ghosts do. Like ghosts, these people find themselves haunting places that would be oddly familiar to them. [Read: Signs your past relationship is holding you back]
They tend to dwell on distant memories, and cling to feelings of regret.
The past is already gone from your sight and it only prevents you from living in the present. More importantly, being a ghost will prevent you from pursuing the possibility of a happier future.
Remember this: even ghosts have to move on. [Read: How to move on from a breakup without compromising your dignity]
3. It becomes exhausting
Once we find ourselves falling into the trap of familiarity, this trap can be emotionally draining. What we thought would make us happy is now dull and emotionally tiring.
You also find yourself constantly questioning your motives and wondering if this is what you want.
4. The pain of holding on hurts, sometimes even more than letting go
Perhaps, one of the hardest things one has to face in life is letting go of the people we hold dear. However, sometimes holding on to something that you know won’t last actually hurts even more. [Read: How to meet “The One” without appearing desperate]
Why? Because the more tightly you hold on to something that you know wouldn’t stay, the more you deceive yourself.
The emotional highs of getting back with someone you’ve been with and had deep feelings for in the past can be overwhelming, but you have to ask yourself: “what am I really holding on to?”
Remember that you have to give yourself real answers. Life is not a bad daytime soap opera. [Read: How to let go of a relationship – 17 things to do to walk away unhurt]
5. Deception is a two-way street of harm
While deceiving yourself can be painful, deceiving your former partner is a red line that can hurt even more for both of you.
If both of you find yourselves coming back to each other’s arms for reasons you cannot fully understand, then you can never give yourselves the peace that you both deserve to have. [Read: How to fall out of love when you see no future]
Instead, you have resigned yourselves to a world of fantasy, where everything is remedied with empty but dramatic romantic gestures and conflict is avoided at all costs. Deception ends in a slap in the face because the cold hard truth hurts.
6. You don’t allow yourselves to grow
Letting go of someone can be healthy, especially if you know that the relationship didn’t allow you to grow as a person.
As a couple, you didn’t evolve. Instead, you found yourselves stuck. This could come in the form of bad habits that made you the worst possible version of yourself. [Read: 16 signs you were just settling in an unhappy relationship]
Before you think of even going back to your ex, ask yourself this: am I a better person with or without this person by my side?
7. You’re using convenience as an excuse
You find yourself thrown into the dating pool, and you don’t like any of the fish that seem to be headed in your direction. Your solution? Latch on to the most convenient person you can think of: your ex.
The reason why you do this might be irrational. Perhaps you’ve just missed the concept of being in a relationship, regardless of who it’s with. [Read: How to get over an ex – 17 steps to heal ASAP in the healthiest way]
Perhaps you have held onto the fear that it doesn’t “get any better than this.” But if you’re holding on to someone you don’t visualize your future with, why bother?
8. Love is never a good enough reason for staying
This is the hardest truth that anyone who has been in a relationship will eventually learn. Love is more than just a feeling. Because when it comes right down to it, love becomes a choice.
Those lovey-dovey feelings would fade in just a few months into the relationship. Soon enough, you will be seeing the flaws that you were perhaps too “blind” to see before. [Read: Loving someone too much – what it means and why and how it’s bad for love]
Ultimately, “love” will just fly out the window when you see each other as more “human”, and you don’t like what you see. Ask yourself: do you see yourself growing old with this person?
Love isn’t the only thing that should hold a relationship together because love can so easily be duped by a cocktail of other emotions.
Other elements matter too, like stability, support, personal growth, and protecting your mental and physical health. [Read: Love yourself first – where people go wrong, 36 whys, and how to do this right]
This is why relationships can get downright complicated and scary. While getting back with your ex is not necessarily a bad thing, one must tread lightly when it comes to choosing that path.
Remember that “love” can be deceiving. These feelings can cause one to make irrational judgments.
[Read: Love sucks! 36 reasons why we hate it yet crave for it]
Ultimately, the choice to take you back will be your ex’s. If you learn how to get your ex back by earning their forgiveness, your chances of reconnecting are a lot higher.
