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What is Pillow Talk? How to Use It & 14 Cozy Conversations for Bed

You’ve no doubt heard of pillow talk and maybe you’ve attempted it. But, what is pillow talk really, and how can you improve yours and your romance?

what is pillow talk and how to pillow talk

There are so many things that make a happy relationship. There are rules and there are ideas, there are hard times to learn from and good memories to cherish. But what about pillow talk? Do you think that needs to be present for a relationship to be strong and romantic?

Communication is important in a relationship, but finding the right time to communicate can leave both of you feeling drenched in love and bliss.

And that’s exactly what pillow talking does to romance!

[Read: 30 must-know relationship rules and tips for a successful love life]

What is pillow talk?

Pillow talk is the kind of conversation you have with your lover when you’re lying down in bed with each other.

Have you ever lied down in each other’s arms and spoken about just about anything, be it your lives, problems or even your relationship? It feels good just listening to each other, doesn’t it?

Pillow talk connects lovers emotionally and physically and brings two lovers closer, especially if the conversation is right for the occasion.

[Read: 9 relationship stages all couples go through in their lifetime]

Is pillow talk the same as dirty talk?

No. Pillow talk is more emotional than dirty talk.

When we indulge in dirty talk, it’s normally to turn a lover on, but when you’re into pillow talk, you’re just having a conversation. The difference between that conversation and a regular one is that pillow talk tends to mean your walls are down. You’re more vulnerable because of where you are – you’re in bed with your partner and you’re alone, without the world watching on or listening in.

Of course, sometimes pillow talk can lead to dirty talk, especially if you’re in bed together and things take a turn for the sexy, but that’s not exclusively what pillow talk is.

However, it’s likely that pillow talk happens after sex, when you’re both laid there in bliss, chilled out and calm. [Read: How to talk dirty and turn your lover on like no one else can]

Is there ever a bad time for pillow talk?

Well, it depends on what you want to talk about! If your partner has had a rough day and you’re both laid in bed, chilling out, perhaps it’s best not to bring up a tough subject about your relationship.

Assess the situation and stick to a subject that fits. The last thing you want is for your intimate, chilled-out time to turn into a difficult or tense conversation, or even worse, an argument.

Of course, sometimes no words need to be said at all. Don’t feel the need to fill every silence when you’re laid there with your partner. You can be silent and connected too. But, it’s true that pillow talk is a wonderful way for couples to communicate, listen, and enjoy downtime together. [Read: The power of words and how it can make or break your relationship]

Why do we need pillow talk in a relationship?

One of the most important things pillow talking does is build the connection and love in a relationship. Just listening to your lover’s calm voice in bed can soothe you and help you get rid of all the pressures and defeats of a bad day.

It relaxes both of you and helps you open up to more intimate conversations without the worry of arguments or anger. And when communication starts to get frank and open, the feeling of love will definitely grow with each passing night. [Read: Lack of communication in a relationship and why it signals the end]

Pillow talking is one of those times in the day when both of you get to be with each other, with no distractions.

You could spend a whole day with each other and still feel like two companions, but all you need is a few minutes of pillow talking late in the night to feel like true lovers all over again.

There are couples that pillow talk, and there are couples that don’t. But the couple that doesn’t indulge in a bit of sleepy, happy conversations will never be as emotionally connected to each other as the couple that pillow talks. [Read: 7 secret signs of a relationship that’s about to go bad]

Things not to talk about in bed

Are you and your lover good pillow talkers? As with everything in life, there are good things and bad things to pillow talk about.

Some conversations can make you feel on top of the world, while a few other conversations can leave you dejected and drained out of your energy as you turn in for the night. As we mentioned earlier, read the room before starting a chat! [Read: 15 types of toxic relationships that can drain your happiness out]

Before we get to the good conversations in bed, let us give you a few pointers on the bad ones you need to avoid talking about.

Don’t talk about the problems in your life *unless you have a probable solution for it that can be discussed calmly*. Don’t talk about financial troubles, sadness, how unfair the world is, or about your own miseries at work.

Couples do talk about all of this stuff, but that’s definitely not happy pillow talking. Try to look at pillow talk as the bright side of your life.

If all you and your lover do before turning in to sleep is whine about how unfair life is, both of you will wake up feeling drained in the morning.

Instead, talk about conquests, happy times, the silver lining in a dark cloud, happy moments in the day, and anything else that can bring a smile to each other’s faces.

Dream of a happy life, and visualize it together. If you have happy conversations while pillow talking, your relationship and your own lives will start to feel more upbeat and exciting. [Read: Things to talk about in a relationship at different stages]

Pillow talk subjects to bring you closer together

Are you wondering what the perfect conversations for pillow talk are? Well, here are several happy pillow conversations that will definitely help both of you fall more in love and feel happier in life.

1. Comparisons

This may sound rude, but as humans, we love making comparisons all the time just to feel better about ourselves. Compare your own love life with the love lives of your friends or colleagues.

You’ll feel good if you have a better relationship. And if there’s something you admire about another couple, both of you will subconsciously make those changes in your own relationship, which will improve both of you as lovers and create a much better relationship over time. [Read: 12 steps to be a happy couple that makes other couples jealous]

2. Your dreams about the future

Talk about each of your dreams and visions. Pillow talking about it will help both of you understand each other’s lives and goals better and create wonderful fantasies about the future too.

It’ll feel great to imagine the good things that the future has in store for both of you, especially if both of you follow your dreams and motivate each other along the way.

What is pillow talk if not a great way to feel upbeat about the future?

3. Compliments

Add a bit of romance and flirty talk into your pillow talk now and then. Did you take a second glance at your lover as you waved goodbye earlier in the day because your lover looked so irresistible in their new hairstyle?

Or was everyone around staring in awe at your partner at the party because they looked so good? Talk about it, it’ll bring a huge smile to your lover’s face. [Read: 25 compliments for guys they’ll never forget]

4. New things to try the next time around

Never look at tough times as hurdles, instead look at them as ways to come up with a better option, be it about work, love, or your sex life.

If sex wasn’t great one night, talk about things you’d like to try the next time. If you just celebrated a birthday, talk about what you plan to do on your next birthday. Talking about ways to improve something in your life always makes for happy and passionate pillow talk.

5. Vacations and getaways

Nothing beats a good pillow talk than vacations or weekend getaways.

If both of you have been working hard, talk about taking a break from work three or four months from now. Discuss places to go to and things to do, and all the other happy vacation ideas.

Both of you will feel good about it, and it’ll motivate you to achieve your goals even faster. [Read: 15 reasons why you should travel at least once a year]

6. Romantic memories

Talking about romance is a happy time in bed. Ask your partner if they remember the first time you kissed, the first vacation both of you took together, or any romantic incident that’s left a happy memory.

One conversation will lead to another, and before you know it, both of you will feel luckier in love than ever. [Read: 20 reasons to get married and live happily ever after]

7. Past struggles that have been conquered

Past struggles are like an inspirational movie, especially if both of you have achieved something worthwhile after the struggle.

Did you have a hard time making ends meet? Or did both of you have to make a lot of sacrifices to achieve what you now have?

Talking about old struggles and present good times will help both of you realize just how much both of you have achieved over time, be it in love or in life. [Read: What is the right age to get married?]

8. All about your day

This is the kind of pillow talk that brings both of you closer on a daily basis. Talk about your day, the good and the bad of it, and the little exciting details that made you proud or brought a smile on your face.

The more both of you open up to each other about your daily lives, the more connected both of you will feel. And as long as both of you are aware of each other’s lives, there’ll be very little room for insecurity and jealousy and a lot more room for trust and love.

9. If you just had sex, pillow talk about what you enjoyed

If you want pillow talk to be intimate and productive, start by discussing a play-by-play of what you liked or what you wanted more of in your sexual encounter. [Read: How to talk about sex without sounding like a pervert]

Going through the details of what you did and praising each other for a job well done is an excellent way to make the next time even better and to give your partner some praise for the things they did to make you feel good. It might also help to get you both ready for round two.

10. A favorite memory from growing up

It might seem completely unrelated to your day, but talking about the intimate memories you hold, helps to bond you together emotionally.

Having your partner think about happy times spent in their formative years pulls you closer together and ties your future by connecting your past favorite experiences.

It is also a great time to learn a little about their family without feeling like you are prying. [Read: The 25 best relationship topics to talk about if you want to be happy]

11. Your dreams and goals

Asking your partner about what they want for their future is a little too serious for pillow talk. Pillow talk is supposed to be all about the spectacular and dreamy things.

So, ask them questions about what their biggest dream is, what they want to do most before they die, or lifelong bucket list musts.

Emotionally connect with them by sharing aspirations for your future and finding out if they could have anything, what that would look like. [Read: Couples bucket list – 20 things all couples must do in their lifetime]

12. Ask silly questions

Especially if you both got your rocks off, keep it light and laugh a little. Ask them silly or philosophical questions that get them thinking intellectually, but, remember, light.

When you have deep and meaningful conversations, it makes people think outside the box. Deep discussions create intimacy and more depth to your relationship. You could even try “would you rather” questions for an added bit of fun. [Read: 134 smart and very funny ‘would you rather’ questions to leave you ROFL]

13. Discuss your relationship

If you had some seriously amazing sex and you’re already considering the “where is this relationship going?” talk, then asking them when you feel closest might be a good idea.

Right after sex, you’re more open to honesty about how you feel. It is an excellent time, not to put someone on the spot, but, perhaps, to tell them how you really feel. Make any requests that you desire about what you want to go forward.

Don’t be pushy or overwhelming. Because that is not what pillow talk is about. Pillow talk is supposed to be about sharing intimacy and creating connections, not pushing your partner away by coming on too strong. [Read: Are we in a relationship? How to know for sure if you’re a couple]

14. Get clarification about something

If your partner said something to you earlier in the week that confused you, but you didn’t think it was an appropriate time to talk about it, discuss it right after sex when you both feel intimate and vulnerable. It might be a great time to get clarification. Or, when you’re simply laid together enjoying the peace.

If your mate said something about never wanting kids or not considering a serious relationship, pillow talk is the time to bring those little things up. Stop that stewing.

Instead of ignoring them out of fear, in the heat of an argument, or when things are ugly, try for answers when you are in a good place. Likely, you will both be less defensive and more open to sharing and finding a resolution. [Read: 15 things to talk about in a perfect relationship]

If you don’t pillow talk, now is the time to start

Not everyone finds it easy to just start talking. That’s fine. But, by using the hints above, you’ll be able to start trying to make inroads toward pillow talk with your partner.

There are some great benefits to be had and we all know how important communication in a relationship is.

If your partner doesn’t seem to be responding, don’t push it. Perhaps they had a bad day and simply want to relax. Simply try again the next time. 

[Read: The 80 20 rule in relationships and why it’s so important for happy love]

Pillow talk may seem trivial and easy, but remember this, a couple that has the right conversations in bed will always be happier than a couple that has the wrong conversations in bed, not just in love but in life as well.

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Alison Ricard
Alison Ricard loves sunshine, good books and contagious laughter. And when she isn’t writing, you’ll find her sitting in a café, people watching and commun...
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