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Insecurity in a Relationship: How to Feel More Secure & Love Better

Insecurity in a relationship feels terrible because no one seems to understand you. Learn to get over your relationship insecurity and grow stronger.

Insecurity in a Relationship insecurities

It’s the worst, isn’t you? You love someone truly with all your heart. And yet, you always feel like they love you less, or don’t love you at all. Welcome to the world of relationship insecurities! You’re not alone, and honestly, your feelings are valid. As we learn more about why you’re feeling them, we’ll help you figure out how to get over your insecurity in a relationship, and feel like a great lover and person too!

What makes relationship insecurities so heartbreaking to handle is that no one, not even your partner, seems to understand that all you feel in love in confusing pain. You really do love them, and you express your love to them. But somehow, they don’t seem to be making you feel secure in the way they express their love towards you.

In a relationship, a breakup is a single step that finalizes the end. But an insecure relationship makes you believe you’re in love and yet, you feel like you’ve broken up already.

[Read: Toxic love – 13 ways it can harm you permanently and how to get out soon]

Understanding insecurity in a relationship

Falling in love may feel like a bed of roses. But if you believe your love isn’t reciprocated equally, you may end up hurt or feeling insecure about your relationship status.

You may be feeling all alone too, because understanding and dealing with insecurity in a relationship isn’t easy, especially if your partner doesn’t understand you or what you’re going through. And almost always, the difference in the way both of you express your love to each other can cause more pain and frustration that may eventually lead to a breakup.

Ironic, isn’t it? The one thing you’re trying to avoid is a breakup. It’s the primary reason behind all of your insecurity. And yet, your own behavior is leading you towards a self-fulfilling prophecy of an impending breakup!

[Read: Why am I so insecure? 20 reasons why you care more than others]

Is your insecurity ruining your own relationship?

Everyone has insecurities and everyone has been hurt by someone. I mean, how else would we develop them? Some of us have minor relationship insecurities while others have more. We’re all different and this is just something we have to work through and overcome.

In your past relationships, were you constantly worried your now-ex would dump you or leave you for someone else? That’s the kind of insecurity that would push two people apart. So now, in your new relationship, you need to accept the fact that you need to trust your partner or else the relationship won’t last anyway.

What causes insecurity in a relationship?

Are you living through an insecure relationship right now? Honestly, why do you feel insecure in your relationship? Just sit back for a moment, and ask yourself what makes you feel less loved?

One of the best ways to understand relationship insecurities is to understand the root cause of the problem. In all probability, you’re insecure because you’re afraid of losing your lover *maybe to someone else*. Leaving all other smaller reasons and humiliating breakup scenarios aside, why are you convinced your partner will leave you?

Do you feel insecure in the relationship because a lot of people are attracted to your lover? Is it because your partner spends a lot of time out with their own friends and doesn’t stay in touch with you? Or is it because your partner never really makes you feel special and appreciated? Or is it something else?

To really understand relationship insecurities, you need to ponder over your insecurities and find the real reason. And most importantly, is there something your partner can do about it? [Read: Am I clingy? Here’s how to know the truth about yourself]

The signs of insecurity in a relationship

How can you tell if you’re actually deeply insecure, or if it’s just a passing thought? If you see your partner liking someone’s posts on social media or flirting with them in the comments, you would feel a twinge of jealousy. But if it’s fleeting and you trust your partner anyway, this is a momentary bout of insecurity and jealousy. And everyone feels it.

But if you’re constantly worried your partner is up to something, if you feel the need to snoop on them, check their phone when they’re asleep, read their texts all the time, or if you find yourself stalking every social media friend of your partner, well, we may have a problem here.

Check out these 29 signs of relationship insecurity and ask yourself if you see these signs in your life.

How to express your insecurity in the relationship

Once you’ve understand the cause of your relationship insecurities, speak to your partner about it. You don’t have to tell your partner you’re feeling insecure, that may just strain the relationship further. Just mention that you don’t feel loved at times and elaborate on a few examples when you did feel insecure.

Don’t sound frustrated or agitated, just say it as a matter of fact. If your partner does love you, they’d immediately try to reassure you and make you feel better.

But before you voice your insecurities and ask your partner to become a whole new person, be certain that it’s something your partner can reasonably change. It’s alright to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend to pay more attention to you when they’re with friends. It’s just not alright to ask them to stop talking their friends altogether! [Read: The 13 foundations of a relationship that separate the good from the bad]

Why am I so insecure?

Insecurity in a relationship can crop up for the most trivial of reasons, but the most common reasons are when you feel your partner’s too good for you or if you think there are far too many people around you who are way better than you *and may steal your partner*.

On the other hand, even a very secure person can begin to feel insecure and low on self-esteem when they date someone who intentionally gaslights them or makes them feel inferior. [Read: How to spot gaslighting in a relationship and shut it down for good]

Is it your partner’s behavior, or your own past, that makes you insecure?

Now this is something you really need to focus on. But it’s not easy to separate the two, when you’re already feeling insecure. You may even have to speak to a trusted friend to ask for their point of view.

Is your insecurity in the relationship caused by your own imaginative mind and low self-esteem? Or is your partner’s behavior triggering the low self-esteem in you?

As much as you’d like to blame yourself because of your past relationships, sometimes, a bad partner can make you feel terrible about yourself. So how can you tell them apart?

The easiest way is to watch how your partner behaves when you express your fears to them. Once you voice your relationship insecurities to your lover, you may feel better for the moment. But how does your partner react to the triggers of your insecurity?

Does your partner tell you you’re making a big issue out of something that’s insignificant? Do they continue behaving the same way and doing the same things that make you feel insecure? [Read: 16 discreet signs you’re being taken for granted by your partner]

Or does your partner change their behavior or try their best to make you feel more secure, even if it means they have to go out of their way to do something for you?

Pay attention to the way your partner treats you and cares for you. If they truly love you, they’d try to do something to help you with your insecurity. But if they don’t really care, or they’re actively trying to gaslight you, they may even enjoy making you feel insecure! [Read: 16 subtle signs you’re dating a narcissist who is abusing you]

How to get over insecurities after being cheated on

Being cheated on hurts, no matter how strong you are internally, or how high your self-esteem is. And if you’re in a string of bad relationships, you’re bound to feel insecure no matter how successful or good looking or awesome you are in every aspect of your life.

At one point, you may just become tired of entering a relationship because you’d assume they’d cheat on you or leave you anyway. But thinking along these lines will end even the best of relationships in no time. How can any relationship work when you’ve set your mind up for it to fail?

It doesn’t matter if they see your anxiety, it WILL show up in other ways. So, if you want a healthy and freeing relationship, you’re going to need to get over your relationship insecurity. We’ve all been there, but you don’t have to stay in this spot. [Read: Insecure women – 15 ways to stop damaging yourself and be glorious]

How to stop being insecure in a relationship

If you’re feeling insecure in the relationship even after your partner changes their ways for you and reassures you, perhaps you just need to feel better about yourself. And understand the fact that your partner’s not the problem. You are!

Start feeling confident about yourself and have a little faith in your relationship. Use these steps to change yourself, and you may just learn to get over your insecurities in the relationship.

#1 Your partner is a part of your life. Let your partner be a part of your life, not your whole life. It’s as simple as that. When your whole life revolves around your love life, it’s easy to start obsessing about it and picking tiny imaginary flaws that may not even exist.

And insecurities have a way of cropping up when you want to speak to your partner or meet them all the time *and you’d be clingy too*. Lead your own life and dedicate a part of it to love. It’ll keep your love life more fun and exciting, and you’ll worry less about relationship insecurities. [Read: How to stop being clingy so your partner won’t up and leave you ASAP]

#2 Trust your partner. Unless you leapt into the relationship without really figuring out if your partner likes you a lot, you should really learn to trust your partner.

Both of you are attracted to each other and love each other, so why would you want to snoop around or look for ways to catch your partner red-handed. Learn to trust your partner, unless you have solid reasons to doubt them.

#3 This is about you. Your relationship insecurity isn’t about the person you date, it’s about you. Maybe they just bring out specific insecurities. For example, if they’re good looking, you may think you’re not attractive enough to be with them.

So, if this is the case, work on your self-esteem. They’re not telling you you’re not attractive enough to be with them, you’re telling this to yourself. [Read: How to deal with jealousy in a relationship and learn to overcome it]

#4 This person wants to be with you. Realize this person you’re dating wanted to be with you. You didn’t tie them up to a chair and force this relationship on them. Really, they want to be with you!

So, you need to acknowledge that. If this is what they want, why would they try to sabotage it? [Read: 19 signs of emotional damage and ways to get past them]

#5 Go out with your own friends. Spend time with your own friends and have a good time. It’ll help you in two ways. One, you’ll understand that no harm is really done to a relationship by spending time with friends. Two, if you do exchange a few glances with someone else, you’re not really cheating on your partner!

#4 Be an optimist. Stop the negativity. Stop wondering about what you’ll do if your partner ever dumps you or what your lover does when they go out without you.

Your partner fell in love with you for the great person that you are, remember that. If you ever do feel insecure in the relationship, learn to deal with it by talking about it with your partner or evaluate the situation by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes.

#5 Focus on what you have, not what you don’t. No one is perfect. We all have flaws, but you focus on them too much. You’re insecure in your relationship because you don’t think you have the qualities your partner finds attractive.

But they do find you attractive inside and out. Realize what you’re worth because right now, you’re treating yourself like a used t-shirt in a bargain bin. [Read: How self-respect affects you and your relationship]

#6 Grow your confidence. One of the most obvious and yet embarrassing reasons for insecurity in a relationship is the lack of confidence. It hurts but it’s true. You’re insecure because you don’t believe you’re good enough.

Accept compliments and glances from other good looking people when you’re out with friends, pick a few hobbies, and every now and then, force yourself to do something you’ve always wanted to do even if it’s outside your comfort zone.

The longer you drive a car, the more experienced driver you become. Likewise, the more you learn to live your life to the fullest, the more you’ll learn to be confident about yourself and your worth.

#7 Feel good about yourself. Insecurities in a relationship crop up when you are happy to see your partner, but not really happy with what you see in your own mirror.

Go out often and start dressing like a million bucks. And work out and get that dream body you’ve always wanted to have. When you feel like a million bucks, you know you’re worthy of anyone. And when you feel confident and worthy, relationship insecurities have nowhere to go but to the bin! [Read: How to look hot – 18 tips to take you from boring to flawless]

#8 Maintain your independence. If you’re insecure about your relationship, the worst thing to do is smother it. In order to work on your self-esteem, maintain your own identity and independence. When you do things that boost your self-esteem, activities that you love doing, it automatically affects your relationship for the better.

#9 Cut the negative comments. Right now, your head is full of negative thoughts. You think you’re fat, ugly, not smart enough… the list goes on. But this is all wrong, really.

You need to cut the negativity because this only makes it worse. So, when you have those urges to think poorly about yourself – stop. Stop it immediately and tell yourself that you’re worth it. [Read: Is your negative thinking ruining your life?]

#10 Leave the past in the past. We all have baggage, this isn’t an excuse to drag it into your new relationship. Practice on leaving the past in the past because it’s not doing you any good. Instead, it’s only dragging you down and making you a Debbie Downer in the relationship.

#11 Don’t compare your relationship to others. You don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. On Facebook or Instagram, they look all cheery and happy, but who knows what the issues are in their relationship. The worst thing you do is compare your own relationship to others, it’s pointless. It’s actually completely useless and a waste of time. [Read: The dangers of social media and why it makes you so insecure]

#12 Don’t restrict your partner from being themselves. Someone with relationship insecurities tends to hold their partner down and prevent them from being themselves. You need to make sure you don’t become possessive and restricting. This only makes them feel suffocated and will result with them pulling away.

#13 Cut the overanalyzing. You sit and analyze. Everything. What they said, how they said it, how they look at you when they talk. But seriously, enough with the overanalyzing!

Overanalyzing is going to destroy you mentally. It will tear you apart and torture you. So, when you find yourself doing it, stop and redirect your thoughts. [Read: 11 strategies to stop overanalyzing and find more peace]

#14 Talk to your partner. You need to communicate with your partner about your insecurities. They need to know what’s going on with you emotionally so that they can support you. Sit down with your partner and talk about what makes you insecure and what the triggers are. This shouldn’t mean that they should walk on eggshells around you. However, they’ll be mindful of your emotions.

#15 Go to therapy. If you find yourself unable to overcome this on your own, don’t worry, this is why we have therapists. It’s always nice to talk to someone who doesn’t know anything about you or your partner.

#16 Talk about your issues. Talking about things that bother us can be uncomfortable and awkward but that’s only because you make it like that. When something bothers you, you need to discuss it soon after rather than letting it build up. This is a recipe for a disaster. [Read: How to master positive self-talk and banish negativity]

#17 Trust your instincts. You are the only one who really knows yourself. This means you should trust in yourself that you know when something doesn’t feel right and when you’re just overreacting and putting imagination into reality. Trust your gut.

[Read: 15 steps to transform your life and stop being insecure]

Deal with your relationship insecurity – The final blow

Now not all relationships are perfect. At times, you may be really confident and feel attractive, but you may still end up feeling insecure. Your partner may take you for granted, flirt with others in front of you or even ignore you completely.

If you’re struck by relationship insecurities even after speaking to your partner about it, and even after changing yourself using the confidence building tips mentioned here, then something’s just not right.

Perhaps, your partner is just taking you for granted and not really bothering to help you feel better about the relationship. [Read: 15 strong ways to stop being taken for granted in a relationship]

When you’re faced with a situation like this, where the insecurity in a relationship is not because of the lack of confidence but the lack of love and overdose of neglect, it’s time to take a decision about it.

Being stuck in an insecure relationship is worse than breaking up with your partner or catching them cheating. Insecurity in a relationship will suck the confidence and the happiness out of your life, and you’ll never really feel loved. You’ll just wither away from the inside until the relationship ends.

[Read: Why do narcissist partners ignore texts and do the selfish things they do]

Learn to deal with insecurity in a relationship, either by growing your confidence or confronting your partner. But if nothing really works, perhaps it’s time to step out and find someone else who can give you the happiness and love you crave for.

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Vinod Srinivas Serai
Vin Serai
Vin Serai is the founder of LovePanky.com, and has delved deep into the working of love and relationships for almost two decades. Having dipped his feet in almo...