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Relationship Arguments – 25 Dos and Don’ts to Remember

Relationship arguments are normal in any relationship. But how do you make sure your argument stays healthy and prevent it from going toxic?

relationship arguments

Relationship arguments are inevitable for most couples. Of course, there are a few happy couples who rarely argue and understand each other completely. But for the rest of us mere mortals, a petty fight in love over a confusion or a misunderstanding is pretty common.

Getting into an argument with your lover doesn’t make you a bad partner, nor does it mean that your relationship is less than perfect. But how you end the argument can define you as a good or bad partner. It can make or break the entirety of your relationship.

You might not be able to control arguments, but you can control how you deal with them. [Read: 12 subtle signs you’re the selfish lover in your relationship]

Relationship arguments and their effects

If you have a choice, it’s always better to avoid arguments and communicate with each other instead. After all, arguments in love can affect your health, your peace of mind, and your productivity. [Read: How to deal with arguments in a relationship]

Toxic arguments can separate you by building a thick wall of cold air that just makes any kind of interaction between seem awkward and annoying. If you don’t properly deal with relationship arguments, they willl drive a wall between you and your partner.

This is precisely why communication is always vital in any relationship. [Read: 20 relationship problems that push a couple apart or bring them closer]

Eventually, these arguments will turn into ego wars where both partners don’t want to give in because it makes them appear weak and powerless in the relationship.

But really, arguments don’t have to change your relationship for the worst. In fact, healthy arguments can even bring both of you closer together and prevent new fights. [Read: 7 secret signs your relationship is starting to go bad]

The most common things couples fight about

Couples fight about so many different things. But the most common reasons couples get into a war of words is because of finances, insecurities in love, and each other’s family members. It always starts with something tiny, like a silly difference in opinion.

But if this difference in opinion isn’t confronted in the early stages, it just gets suppressed and turns into disappointment or something worse. Again, this is why you should never keep anything significant from your partner, especially if it’s turning into feelings of resentment and remorse.

Arguments and accusations, by themselves, aren’t all bad. It’s the way you accuse your lover or hurt them with the rude things you say that leaves a deeper scar. You can’t control every argument you have, but you can control how you choose to respond to relationship arguments. [Read: 10 easy tips to always fight fair in a relationship]

The next time you get into a fight, you need to ask yourself this question, “Are you arguing with your partner because you want to fix the issue or are you arguing with them because you want to hurt them and put them down?”

You need to keep in mind that you can’t take your words back in an argument once you say them, even if you didn’t mean to say something hurtful. [Read: Top 20 reasons for divorce that most couples overlook!]

27 dos and don’ts in a relationship argument

Not all arguments are bad for a relationship. A fight or an argument is a plea that your partner wants to be heard. So if you find yourself standing across the room and you can’t see anything but red, remember that you aren’t confronting your enemy!

Here are 27 dos and don’ts in relationship arguments that you need to keep in mind the next time you’re in a confrontation with your lover. As long as you use these tips, your partner will feel loved and respected, even if they’re angry with you at that moment. [Read: Fighting in a relationship – How to do it right]

1. Don’t be silent

When your partner confronts you or asks you for an answer, don’t just ignore them or sit quietly like they’re not important enough to deserve a response. Many people tend to do this when confrontation occurs, but it isn’t helping your relationship in any way.

You may think that ignoring them may be the best way to deal with an angry lover, but in fact, they’ll feel worse. You’re building a wall on your own when you keep silent because you’re refusing to talk to them. [Read: The right way to use silent treatment in a relationship]

2. Don’t raise your hand

You’ll get physical only when you have nothing worthy to say or defend yourself. You probably know you’re wrong and can’t justify yourself, and instead of accepting defeat, you use your hands to get even and show your power. Never do this.

Also, this is one of the signs of a toxic relationship, so don’t get physical if you don’t want your relationship to go there. You need to realize conflict can be solved without ever raising a hand. [Read: Emotional abuse signs: How to spot an emotional abuser]

3. Don’t kick them when they’re down

Don’t say extremely harsh statements to which your partner *which aren’t even related to the argument* just to shut them up. “You’re a disgusting loser who can’t hold onto a job. You have no friends, no one likes you… you’re so miserable you make me sick…” is definitely not going to be accepted with a smile!

Most importantly, they’re your partner, so you shouldn’t be saying such harsh words! Remember, once you say something, you can never take it back. [Read: 21 signs of emotional abuse you may be overlooking in your own relationship]

4. Don’t threaten your partner

Don’t say that you’re leaving or that you want to break up when you’re in the middle of an argument. It doesn’t matter whether you just say it to scare your partner or you really mean it, but an angry argument is not the scenario to bring up such a delicate issue.

Also, you really shouldn’t be threatening your partner in any way. This isn’t the way to solve arguments. For all you know, that thought was just triggered by a fight, and you never really meant it. [Read: The right way to take a break and improve your relationship]

5. Don’t use profanities

Avoid verbally abusing your partner or using profanities in an argument just to emphasize your point. It’ll just infuriate your partner and make them more aggressive.

Also, it might just end up hurting your partner, which will cause further damage. If you genuinely want to have a healthy approach to your argument, avoid using profanities.

6. Don’t be arrogant

“So what are you going to do about it?” is never a good way to communicate with your partner in the middle of an argument. It just shows your arrogance and your disregard in trying to understand your lover.

The last thing you should do is dismissive of their feelings, so don’t be dismissive if you really want to solve relationship arguments the right way. Also, don’t act in a passive-aggressive way, as you’ll never get anywhere with this kind of attitude. [Read: How to express your opinions without seeming cocky]

7. Don’t generalize about their flaws

Avoid using words like “you never” and “you always” when you’re trying to say something in an argument because you’ll only end up putting your partner on the offensive. You’re turning their one mistake into a lifelong curse.

“You always do that…” or “You never listen…” won’t ever help you in an argument unless you’re trying to hurt your partner. [Read: The power of the words you use and how it can make or break your relationship]

8. Don’t confess just to hurt them

Many partners confess about something in the middle of an argument, and they defiantly stand up with their chest held high just to see how their partner will react. “Yes, I spent MY money without telling you!” or an “I slept with your best friend!” is not going to end the argument, it’ll just take the fight on a completely different tangent!

If you’re confessing to get an edge on the argument, it’s not worth it. Also, an argument should be about both of you trying to fix the problem, not being above them.

9. Don’t deny that you’re angry

If you’re angry, just say it. Anger isn’t a bad emotion; it makes you human. Don’t pretend and say you’re fine, when clearly, you’re not. It won’t make you feel better nor will it help you solve the issue.

The earlier you’re able to face your anger, the better for everyone involved. So when dealing with relationship arguments, don’t deny or shut down your anger. [Read: 16 signs you’re settling in an unhappy relationship even though you don’t want to]

10. Don’t rake over old issues

If you’re losing an argument, don’t bring up old issues from the past just to put your partner in place. Talk about the matter in hand and avoid straying from the present to the past, unless you want your partner to emotionally block themselves from you.

The things that happened before should remain in the past as you can’t change the facts. You’re in the present, so focus on that. [Read: How to let go of the past and be excited by the future]

11. Don’t compare

Comparisons hurt, and you know that if your partner ever compared you to someone else, like their ex, in the middle of a fight, it would sting. We know easy it is to be consumed with anger and all your other difficult emotions in a fight, but don’t give in to them.

Control yourself from comparing your ex in a fight as you’ll likely regret it afterward. Also, they don’t deserve to be compared to. [Read: 5 easy ways to stop comparing your new guy to your ex]

12. Don’t inflict pain

Don’t say things that could emotionally hurt your partner, or demoralize them and make them feel more vulnerable.

You may feel like hurting them while arguing with them, but saying something like “you’re such an loser …” or “you’re such a fool for letting this person walk all over you” will only make your partner see red and argue back with you even if you’re only trying to help them.

Even in relationship arguments, your partner is still your partner, and you should never forget that moving forward. Don’t see them as an enemy, even if it might feel like it. [Read: Secrets of a love hate relationship – Can it ever work out?]

13. Don’t gaslight

Don’t gaslight your partner, or manipulate your partner and confuse them with false information or false stories just to trick them into accepting what you have to say.

They’ll realize it at some point of time, and it’ll only make them lose their trust in you. Even if you know exactly how to manipulate them, don’t do it unless you want them to resent you or you want to lose them altogether. [Read: How to spot gaslighting in a relationship & shut it down for good]

14. Don’t hear and tell

If someone in your family accuses your partner of something, don’t use an argument to reveal it.

“My mom/dad was right about you… I really don’t know what I ever saw in you!” may make you feel vindicated for a few seconds, but it’ll leave your partner feeling hurt and angry. They may just end up giving you the silent treatment.

Most importantly, you’ll end up regretting doing this to your partner. [Read: 10 relationship deal breakers you need to watch out for!]

15. Don’t brush away your frustrations

If you’re angry and your partner accuses you of something, don’t brush it under the carpet by saying things like “whatever…” or “I don’t care what you think…” Remember, your partner is upset with you because they’re feeling hurt.

You behaving like a spoilt child won’t make them feel any better. If there’s anything you can take away from managing relationship arguments, it’s not dismissing your feelings or theirs.

16. Don’t involve a third person

Don’t bring in a third person as an arbitrator when your partner isn’t comfortable fighting or arguing their case in front of that person. Your partner may feel betrayed when you and the third person gang up together and try to explain why you’re right and your partner is wrong.

A relationship is between two people and nobody else, and this goes for arguments too. So respect your relationship enough to not involve anyone else. [Read: Third wheel – 32 perks, annoyances, and the guide to survive being one]

17. Do be honest

The first step in an argument is honesty. You need to be clear about why you’re angry and you need to talk about it with your partner. If you don’t know why you’re angry, tell your partner that you’re not sure why you’re upset but you just are.

The key to effective communication is plain honesty.

Stop hiding feelings from your partner and stop dismissing your emotions. Tell them how you feel, how it upset you, and why you feel that way. It really isn’t that hard to communicate. [Read: Being brutally honest: 13 scenarios when it’s an obligation]

18. Do try to communicate

Really, why are you arguing? You’re arguing to fix a confusion, aren’t you? So is there really a need to hurt your partner? Instead of trying hurt them with harsh words, try to communicate with them so they can understand you and your expectations or demands.

If you never learn to communicate, you’ll also never be able to resolve any conflict in your relationship. All that will happen is issues will build up until your relationship can no longer take it. [Read: 25 must-follow relationship rules for successful love]

19. Do try to calm down

It’s hard to see anything but red when you’re in the middle of an argument. But as angry as you may be, you need to understand that anger will never fix the issue. And past experiences would tell you the same thing.

Before you try to fix the problem, try your best to calm down your mind. Otherwise, you might say or do something you’ll regret.

When you feel unbearably angry, excuse yourself or sit down quietly for a few minutes until your anger ebbs down, and try to talk to each other without raising your voices. [Read: How to calm down: 15 instant hacks to put the crazy away]

20. Do apologize

If you think you’re wrong, swallow your pride and tell your partner that you’re sorry. They may be taken aback by it, but they’ll appreciate your gesture and acknowledge your sincerity.

And even if you’re right and your partner apologizes to you, you need to tell your partner that you’re sorry too because you lost your cool or because you misunderstood them.

It’s the easiest way to avoid ego clashes and stay humble in each other’s eyes. Would you rather lose the argument or your relationship? The choice is yours. [Read: The 80 20 rule in relationships and your love life]

21. Always make up after a fight

As angry as you may feel, or as bitter as you may be, always make up after a fight. Walk up to your partner and hug them tightly for a minute or two. Be affectionate towards them and show them you’re sorry.

You don’t need to say a word, just hug them and try to remember just how much you love them, and just how much they mean to you. Making up after a fight also helps both of you remember that your love is bigger than any argument. [Read: 7 easy steps to be really happy in your relationship in no time]

22. Do validate feelings

Relationship arguments are already challenging enough, but you can’t get through fights without validating your partner’s feelings or your own. If they said that you hurt them with your actions, don’t try to convince them otherwise.

They’re opening up to you about their difficult feelings, and that takes a lot of guts and courage. So the key to a calmer argument really is validating feelings.

23. Do listen more and talk less

Even in arguments, we tend to do this all the time. Why do we talk more than we listen? Or, why do we listen just so we can respond? [Read: 14 ways on how to be a better listener in a relationship]

You need to listen to what your partner is trying to tell you before speaking. Otherwise, it will easily seem like a one-sided conversation, and the issue won’t be resolved. Even if it’s something as simple as listening, it can do wonders for your argument.

24. Do practice empathy

If you can’t understand why your partner is upset and frustrated, try to put yourself in their shoes. If the situation was reversed, how would you feel? Also, what about your actions made it seem selfish or disappointing?

Try to change your perspective and keep an open mind. By practicing empathy, you can understand where your partner is coming from and change your behavior from there. [Read: 7 reasons why empathy is important in a relationship]

25. Do change your behavior

Apologies shouldn’t just end with the words, “I’m sorry.” Instead, an argument should make you realize what you have to change in yourself and your relationship.

This should be obvious by now, but saying sorry doesn’t fix the issues or change the situation. So change your behavior and become better for the sake of your relationship. [Read: 13 small changes that greatly improve your relationship]

How do you deal with relationship arguments?

Managing arguments often requires efficient communication, honesty, and openness from both sides. If one of you is dismissive, passive-aggressive, or temperamental, that will be an issue in the relationship.

At the end of the day, fights are inevitable in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean you should forget that both of you are in love with each other.

[Read: How to fight fair in a relationship and grow closer]

Relationship arguments will happen one way or another, but it’s how you deal with them that makes you both stronger. Keep these dos and don’ts in mind the next time you’re angry with your partner, and it’ll benefit both of you.

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Elizabeth Arthur
A mom of two who’s currently working on a novel, Elizabeth Arthur lives in Cornwall. And when she’s not chasing her boys around the house, she enjoys sittin...
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