You might be showing codependent traits and be unaware of it. The good news is you can make changes and break out of the cycle of codependency.
Most of us don’t realize we’re in an unhealthy relationship until something significant happens that shakes us up. What can we say? Humans are pretty stubborn in general. Maybe someone has told you that you’re in a codependent relationship, that you have codependent traits or they’re seeing some unhealthy behavior happening between you and your partner. You can choose to believe them, or push it to one side.
However, if this discussion is happening with a close family member or friend, the chances are you should be listening. We don’t tend to see these traits within our relationships and ourselves until it’s too late. We don’t want to admit to ourselves that perhaps something isn’t quite right. But, stubbornness doesn’t equal happiness or a healthy relationship.
If you’ve been wondering about codependency, you’ve come to the right place. By the end of this feature, you’ll be able to understand what the traits are and if you exhibit them.
[Read: How to spot codependent behavior early on and regain your self-identity]
What is codependency?
Codependency is when either one partner or both partners are so invested in each other that they can’t function independently. In other words, it’s when the person(s) can’t live without their partner.
It sounds all romantic and cute, but it’s actually neither of those things. A lack of independent thought and action is never a good thing and can lead to some pretty dark places.
It sounds extreme when reading it, right? But when you’re living in a codependent union, this relationship set-up isn’t always so obvious. So, if you want to know whether you’re in a codependent relationship or not, it’s time you looked at the signs and come to a conclusion for yourself. [Read: How to stop being codependent and have a happy relationship]
Why is codependency unhealthy?
This whole ‘can’t live without you’ deal has been glamorized in songs but there’s nothing particularly glamorous or cute about it at all. It’s actually seriously unhealthy. When you’re exhibiting codependent traits and becoming overly dependent upon your partner, you aren’t operating independently. Your needs tend to go out of the window because you’re so focused on giving them what they want.
Of course, your partner *if they’re that way inclined* may like this. They’re getting everything they want and they don’t really have to put much effort in. That’s why some partners tend to enable codependent traits because it works in their favor.
However, if both partners are codependent, the situation tends to worsen even more.
Relationships are complicated at times, but they’re meant to be. It’s two people coming together and trying to find a middle ground. Of course, there are going to be road bumps.
But, when you’re codependent, you can’t stand the idea of conflict, even healthy conflict. So, you avoid it like the plague, and nothing is ever resolved fairly. You always say ‘yes’ to your partner and you always end up lacking.
The worst thing? After a while you don’t even notice that you’re not getting your needs met, they’re so far down your priority list you don’t even realize. [Read: 15 signs of codependency to know if you’re being taken for granted]
Do you have these codependent traits?
From time to time we all display one or two codependent traits. That’s not an issue – if it’s only one or two times and it’s never regular, that’s just the way life goes occasionally. However, if you can nod along to several of these traits on a regular basis, you may be in a severely codependent relationship that needs some attention.
1. Your partner’s opinion is number one
It’s normal that we consider our partner’s opinion when making a decision. We trust and respect them. But, you don’t do anything without the consent of your partner.
If they don’t like something that you do, you’ll give it up to make them happy. Your own opinion becomes a mirror of theirs. Basically, you start to lose your own thoughts and they merge into the ones that your partner finds acceptable. [Read: How to express your feelings and get your point across the right way]
2. You make extreme sacrifices for your partner
The things you do aren’t to help build the relationship; rather, the sacrifices you make are extreme and only serve to make your partner happy. What happened to a relationship being a two-way street?
If you’re constantly making your partner happy, they’re not really going to turn around and tell you to stop, that you need to have your own needs met too. They’re going to get pretty comfortable and that’s how your relationship will end up being over the long term. [Read: 16 reasons why you’re always being taken for granted]
3. You struggle to say ‘no’
Even when you don’t want to do something, instead of talking it out and coming to a compromise, you immediately give in to your partner’s needs. You’re not considering your energy, time, and feelings.
You place your feelings and interest on the backburner because making your partner happy is more important to you. [Read: Your guide for how to say no and feel awesome instead]
4. People with codependent traits do everything they can to avoid arguments
Believe it or not, arguments are essential in a healthy relationship if you know how to have a constructive argument. Conflict means there’s something that needs to be addressed, and when done right, people’s needs are met as a result.
But you avoid arguing with your partner in fear of losing them. You’re so convinced that if you dare make a point that they don’t agree with they’ll leave, you just put up with everything and never voice a complaint. [Read: Why fighting in a relationship is important and how to do it right]
5. You feel trapped
You don’t want to leave your partner, but you also feel that you won’t be able to live without them. In other words, you’re trapped. You’re stuck in an unhealthy relationship. Even though you’re not really stuck, you only feel that way because you’re choosing to stay in a situation that doesn’t do you any good.
6. Some people with codependent traits resort to substance abuse
You think you’re happy in your relationship, but deep down, you’re not. To suppress those negative feelings, you engage in problematic behavior such as drugs and alcohol abuse.
Why? Because you don’t want to face the consequence of losing your partner. While not every single person with codependent traits does this, it’s certainly a route that many choose to take. [Read: How to stop self-destructive behavior and make your life better]
7. You feel responsible for your partner’s happiness
When your partner is upset, you take that on yourself, even though you shouldn’t. You place your partner’s happiness on your shoulders, doing whatever you can to make them happy.
News alert: they’re the only ones responsible for their own happiness. If something goes wrong, you’re not duty-bound to fix it for them. They’re an adult and they can work out their own problems. If they want your help, they’ll ask you for it.
8. You’re very loyal – to an extreme
Loyalty is a desirable trait in most relationships; however, you take it to the extreme. Even when you’re aware the relationship is unhealthy, and you’re not being treated with respect, you stay by your partner’s side.
This is a serious sign of codependency because you’ll generally put up with emotional abuse and other negative behavior without questioning it. [Read: 21 big signs of emotional abuse you may be overlooking]
9. Your partner doesn’t consider your needs
While you’re busy doing everything for your partner to make them happy, they rarely pay attention to your needs and desires.
And why would they? They’re being served with a silver spoon. However, this shows that they’re taking advantage of you and perhaps your loyalty to them is misguided. [Read: 15 signs of a toxic relationship that’ll go from bad to worse]
10. Common codependent traits include giving up your truth
You have your beliefs, values, and opinions in the world; however, they don’t necessarily align with your partner’s. And honestly, that’s fine.
You and your partner shouldn’t be twins. However, instead of standing by your beliefs, you give up your truth for your partner to either gain approval or to avoid negative consequences.
11. You use sex for attention
We’re pretty sure most people have done this in their lifetime. We often confuse love with sexual attention. Though deep down, what we want is to be loved; instead, we use sex as a way to gain affection and intimacy. [Read: Curious minds want answers – How many sexual partners is too many?]
12. You feel like a victim
When you’re a codependent person, you usually feel victimized and powerless as you don’t understand your role in the reality you’ve created.
Deep down, you know that it shouldn’t be this way but you’ve created a cycle that seems impossible to break.
13. A difficulty or inability to make decisions
One of the most common codependent traits is a difficulty or total inability to make your own decisions. You have to ask your partner’s advice on everything and in the end, you simply go along with what they suggest every single time.
What you don’t realize is this leaves you wide open to manipulation. [Read: Indecisiveness – When your inability to decide is a decision too]
14. You can’t really pinpoint how you truly feel
A person with strong codependent traits may, over time, have a true difficulty in actually working out what they’re feeling at any given moment. They’ve become so used to pushing their feelings down that they can’t recognize their own emotions.
15. You think that you’re dedicated and the perfect partner
Another issue is that codependent people tend to think that what they’re doing is actually positive. They think that by dedicating themselves to their partner in this way, they’re the perfect partner, who would do anything to see them smile.
They don’t realize how damaging and unhealthy it can be to simply dedicate your entire life to someone and push away your own needs. [Read: 20 worrying signs you’re being taken advantage of in a relationship]
16. You react negatively to criticism of your partner
If someone tells you that they don’t like how your partner treats you or that they’ve seen them with someone else, you push them away.
You don’t believe anything negative about your partner, but that’s simply because you don’t want to. You refuse to see the truth because that would mean raising the possibility of conflict. You’re so dedicated to your partner that you simply won’t hear a word against them.
17. You probably have low self-esteem along with other codependent traits
It’s not really possible to show strong codependent traits on a regular basis and have high self-esteem. This is the work of someone who doesn’t value or believe in themselves very much.
Why? Because you’ve placed your partner so far in front of yourself that you don’t think your needs matter anymore. Oh, but they do! [Read: Dating someone with low self-esteem – What it’s like for both of you]
How to break out of the cycle of codependency
Breaking free from codependency isn’t easy and it will take time. But, with effort and commitment, you can sidestep your codependent traits and find a healthy and loving relationship.
1. Acknowledge you have codependent traits
The first step to overcoming any issue is to acknowledge it in the first place. Acknowledge that you have codependent traits and that you are allowing them to alter your relationship.
Take a long, hard look at your behaviors and thought patterns and see how it is affecting both you and your partner. [Read: How to spot codependent behavior early and regain your self-identity]
2. Identify where you’re most codependent
Not every single person with codependent traits exhibits all of them. So, start trying to look for patterns and work out where in your relationship *and life generally* you show the most codependency, and allow others to control your life.
It might be a good idea to keep a journal and you’ll be able to identify trends more easily.
3. Know what you’re aiming toward
Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like?
While we should never compare our relationships with anyone else’s, it’s important to find healthy relationships to look up to. That way, you can see for yourself how your behavior is impacting and what it’s doing to the union. You can also understand for sure what healthy love looks like. [Read: 15 signs and qualities of a healthy relationship that keep couples happy]
4. Identify some boundaries and stick to them
The best way to learn how to overcome codependent traits is to start setting boundaries. These should be in line with the areas you most show your codependency. So, if you struggle to say ‘no,’ it’s time to slowly start doing that whenever you feel like you don’t want to do something.
If you tend to try and solve your partner’s problems because you feel responsible for their happiness, offer advice and show them empathy, but then simply say “I’m here if you need me” and then walk away from the situation.
Stick to your boundaries and know that it will seem strange and even quite hard at first. Over time, it will get easier. [Read: How to set boundaries in a relationship – 15 rules for healthy love]
5. Practice self-love to break free of codependent traits
We’ve already mentioned that one of the most common codependent traits is low self-esteem. So, start practicing self-love.
Do things for yourself and don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about it. Whatever you enjoy doing, do more of it. Keep a gratitude diary and try and build your confidence in life that way. It will take time, but becoming more self-confident is never a waste of effort. [Read: How to love yourself – The 23 best ways to find love and happiness]
6. Seek support
It may be that you need extra help to overcome your codependency and if that’s the case, there is plenty of help out there. You could talk to your partner and seek support there. Perhaps they’ve been totally unaware of what’s going on and they want to help you make things better. Or, if that’s not the case, reach out to a friend or family member.
It might also be that you need the help of an unconnected person and in that case, therapy is a good option.
Overcoming codependency is entirely possible. While it won’t happen overnight and it may feel completely strange and perhaps even wrong to you at first, stick with it. The more you practice, the easier it will become, and over time, you’ll cut the ties to codependency once and for all.
[Read: How to spot manipulative people and stop playing the victim]
A codependent relationship is extremely unhealthy. By recognizing these codependent traits, you’ll be able to see where you stand in your relationship. And take steps towards regaining who YOU are.
