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Do You Keep Finding Yourself in a Push and Pull Relationship?

A push and pull relationship is exhausting. If you find yourself in this situation regularly, understand why and break the cycle for a more peaceful life.

push and pull relationship

All relationships have ups and downs. It’s normal to have arguments; perhaps even break up for a short while and come back together. As long as you’re dealing with your issues in a healthy way and working together to solve them, it’s a normal situation to be in. However, if you constantly find yourself in a push and pull relationship, ask yourself what’s going on beneath the surface.

Do you enjoy the drama? Are you unsure what you really want? Do you even realize what you’re doing?

By constantly having these push and pull relationships, you reduce your chances of finding a healthy and settled union with someone you care about and who cares about you. Sure, we all bicker and sometimes push people away when we feel a certain way, but when it becomes a pattern, there is work to be done.

There are a few reasons why you might find yourself constantly drawn to these types of dramatic relationships. Let’s explore them now.

[Read: 14 signs you’re way too codependent and overstepping boundaries]

What is a push and pull relationship?

A push and pull relationship is basically a relationship between two people. One or both are constantly pushing the other person away, only to panic and want them back again, so they pull them close. It’s a constant cycle of together and apart, or in some cases it’s not that drastic; it can be pulling them close emotionally, only to shut down and act cold.

As you can imagine, this doesn’t particularly make for a healthy type of relationship. These types of unions are often full of drama, negativity, and don’t last over the long-term.

[Read: Something is off in your relationship? How to read the right signs]

The main reasons why you might be drawn to a push and pull relationship

#1 You have self-esteem issues. When you’re very low in self-confidence and self-worth, it’s hard to have a healthy and normally functioning relationship. Instead, you attract drama and upset which pushes you back into a cycle of low confidence. If you’re always finding yourself pushing people away, only to pull them back to you a short time later, it could simply be that you must work on your own confidence levels first.

Take a break, spend some time on your own, and learn to build up your confidence before you try and have another relationship. By doing this, you’re less likely to find yourself in a push and pull relationship in the future. [Read: How to date when you have low self-esteem and find true happiness]

#2 You have a short attention span. Do you become bored and restless easily? Has the excitement of the first few months of the relationship worn off and now you’re craving that intense feeling once more? If so, slow down and realize that that crazy feeling of the first few months doesn’t last, no matter who you’re with!

#3 You’re scared of getting too close to someone. A common reason for having this unsettled type of relationship is because you’re scared of getting too close to someone. That means opening up and really showing someone else who you are on the inside. It means the risk of being judged or rejected.

The truth is, if this person really cares about you, they’re not going to do either of those things, they’re simply going to accept you for the person you are and love you for it.

If you had a bad experience in the past, it’s entirely possible that you’re carrying that baggage into this new relationship. In that case, understand that you’re self-sabotaging your own happiness by doing that. Do your best to let it go. Allow the past to float away and focus on the future. [Read: What you need to know before making someone a priority in your life]

#4 You’re terrified of commitment. Could it be that you’re actually scared of commitment deep down? The closer you get to someone and the more time you spend with them, the greater the chances of this relationship turning into something serious.

Some people simply feel great terror when they picture themselves ‘settled down.’ This could be because their parents had a turbulent relationship and they witnessed it, or simply because they had a different type of experience in the past.

Again, learn to let go of old wounds and focus on the future. If you want to be settled with someone, then you must overcome your fear of commitment. You also need to reassess and understand what commitment is to you. [Read: 16 clear signs you’re just not ready for a serious relationship]

#5 You don’t believe you’re worthy of a relationship. Again, this links into low self-esteem and low self-confidence, but do you believe you deserve love? Have you always been around people who tell you that you’re no good? Did your parents never show you the love you deserved as a child? This can be a very common reason for regularly entering into a push and pull relationship pattern.

In this case, you really need to spend some time exploring why you feel that way. Build up that confidence and understand that everyone is worthy of love, you included. Whatever has happened in your past, forgive and move on. It’s not easy, I know, but it’s the only way to ensure that you really get the deep connection you deserve in the future. [Read: Dating someone with low self-esteem – What it’s like for both partners]

#6 You’re with the wrong partner. Do you have a type? It’s possible that you’re often searching for the same type of personality. As a result, you’re not connecting in the right way. We’ve all heard the old ‘bad boy’ adage, and how it never works out.

Are you doing the same thing with your partners? Perhaps you always go for the most popular person around. Maybe you always go for the musician type, who oozes creativity and torment. Perhaps you always go for the type of person who needs saving, and you can be the one to do it.

[Read: Hugely false dating tips you need to banish from your mind]

Never fall into a pattern of dating within a type. You never know what you might be missing! By choosing the wrong type of partner for you, based on something other than the connection you have, you’re avoiding finding someone who is the perfect fit for you. This can easily lead to that push and pull pattern. Deep down you know something isn’t quite right.

If you’re regularly finding yourself pulling your partners close, only to push them away, and it’s a cycle you’ve repeated over the course of several relationships, explore why. Do any of these reasons resonate with you? Maybe it’s a combination of a few of them. Either way, you should do some work on yourself if you want to overcome the negativity and work towards a healthier and happier future.

Assuming you want to be in a relationship *not everyone does*, you’re never going to find someone who you can have a healthy connection with unless you work out why you’re regularly drawn to the same pattern. The exploration might drag up some painful memories or thoughts but working through them will free you from the cycle.

[Read: What does a healthy relationship look like and how to build one]

A push and pull relationship is far from healthy. It’s both unpleasant for both parties and exhausting. Break the cycle and look forward to a future of happier relationships.

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Nicky Curtis
Nicky Curtis
Having stumbled from one relationship drama to another throughout her 20s, Nicky is now somewhat of a guru in the crazy world of life and love. Telling it how i...
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