Torn Between Two Lovers: 16 Criteria to Pick One Who’s Right for You

Lucky you! There are two people who you like, and they like you. But which one do you choose? Here’s what to do if you’re torn between two lovers.

torn between two lovers

Not many people will be faced with the decision to choose between two people they really like. Even if a person is torn between two lovers, one person usually doesn’t reciprocate their feelings all that much. It’s uneven.

So if you’re in this situation, count yourself lucky. Or not, because this will be a very hard choice to make!

If you’re genuinely into two different people who both want you back, you’ll have to do some serious thinking. This will be a major decision, so make sure to think through things deeply.

[Read: Love triangles and the crazy complications it can bring into your life]

The biggest problem with having to choose between two people

Some people don’t really understand why it must suck to be torn between two lovers. Honestly, they just don’t get it. They think that you can just pick one and be completely happy with one, so what’s the problem?

Well, you have really strong feelings for both people. If you lose one of them, you’ll end up hurting. So either way, you’re in pain.

That’s what makes the decision so hard. No matter what you do, you’ll be hurting someone you care about and you’ll be hurting yourself, too. [Read: How to make up your mind when you’re in love with two people]

Criteria to use when you’re torn between two lovers

When you’re young, it’s more difficult to know what kinds of criteria and/or qualities you need to be looking for to determine long-term compatibility. For instance, your standards right now might be “Hey, they’re cute, fun, and I like them! Let’s get into a relationship!”

But ask your parents or grandparents, and they will say, “being cute and fun is just the beginning…”

In other words, there are so many things to consider when you are choosing a life partner. And even if you’re not ready to choose a life partner, it’s important that you sit down with yourself anyway and try to figure out your “must-haves” and your “deal-breakers” in a relationship.

So, that is the first step. If you’re still at a loss for where to start, don’t worry. Here is a list of things you really need to think long and hard about when you’re torn between two lovers. [Read: Honeymoon phase – how to calculate how long it will last with you both]

1. Age difference

There are many people who think that age is just a number. And while that is true *some old people still think they are 18*, when it comes to relationships, age can be a big factor.

For example, let’s say you are 25 and you meet an awesome, charming 43-year-old. They are hot, and you are in love. 43 is not that old. But if you want children with this person, they will be a minimum of 61 years old by the time your first child is out of the house. And you will be 43. Suddenly, you are with someone in their 60s. And when you are 62, they will be 80. See? That really puts it into perspective.

At the ages of 25 and 43, it’s not that big of a deal, because you are both still young and healthy. But 62 is a lot younger than 80. You may have to be a caretaker for a good portion of your life. Just some things to think about. [Read: 18 foundations of a good relationship that separate the good and the bad]

Another aspect of age differences is not sharing the same memories, or growing up in the same era. Let’s say you want to go to a concert of a band that you grew up with. But maybe your significant other wasn’t even born yet when that band was popular. How awkward would that be? You didn’t grow up with the same things, which can make your feel eons apart in terms of similarities. [Read: The dating age rule – What’s an acceptable age gap in a couple]

2. Marriage and children

Even if you don’t have much of an age difference, are you both on the same page with marriage and children? If you dream of getting married and having kids, and they are lukewarm about both of them, then you probably aren’t a good match.

Many people will tell you not to talk about such things too soon in a relationship. But why? Those are some very important things to consider when you are deciding who to pursue a relationship with. [Read: 50 relationship questions to test your compatibility instantly]

Or maybe one or both of you already have kids. If they do, and you don’t… do you like their kids? Are you ready to be a step-parent someday? Or if you have kids and they don’t, will they understand your role as a parent and your need to prioritize your kids? And if you both have kids, do they all get along?

These are big issues that need to be considered when you are torn between two lovers.

3. Religious & political viewpoints

Most people would agree that having similar religious or spiritual views is important in a long-term relationship, especially if you are going to have children. If you have very different ways of looking at God and/or the afterlife, you might not understand each other. [Read: 17 most important things in a relationship that hold it together]

As for politics, many would advise avoiding that topic altogether. But let’s face it – in recent decades, people seem to have very strong opinions one way or another. If you’re a liberal, could you see yourself being with a conservative? Or vice versa? Liberals and conservatives have very different ways of looking at the world.

4. Introvert vs. extrovert

Introverts aren’t necessarily shy. They can be friendly and social. But they also need a lot of alone time. When they are in a social gathering, they tend to get drained. So, they need to recharge themselves by being alone.

On the other hand, extroverts aren’t always the “life of the party” either, but they do get their energy by being around people – and not by being alone. So. let’s say you’re an extrovert, and one of the lovers you’re considering is an introvert. How compatible will you be? [Read: Introvert vs extrovert – Why it’s fluid and what splits these two personalities apart]

What if you have a desire to always go out and be with people, and they are more of a homebody and don’t want to go out with you? How would you handle that? Or maybe it’s reversed and you are the introvert and they are the extrovert. Sometimes it’s difficult to understand someone who has an opposite personality to you.

What to do when you’re torn between two lovers

If you’re still stuck and have no idea what to do after writing down your “must haves,” “deal breakers,” and considering the above criteria, we can help you even more.

Just remember that it’s ultimately up to you and you have to do what’s best for your future. That being said, here’s how you can make a decision when you’re torn between two lovers.

1. Get to know each deeper

You should’ve already known to do this but better late than never. Make sure you really, really know each of them at their core. And this doesn’t mean just knowing their favorite colors or their favorite foods.

Know what they’d grab if their house caught fire. Know the one thing they hate most in the entire world. You should have a really deep sense of knowing each of them.

Only then can you fairly choose the right person. [Read: 30 deep questions to ask someone before you get in too far]

2. Think about your future

And think about it hard. If you have no idea what you want in life or where your life is heading, can you really make a solid decision about who to be with when you’re torn between two lovers? Probably not.

The truth is, you can’t see a future with someone when you can’t see a future at all. You won’t know who will fit best in your life if you’re not sure what that life will look like. So think long and hard about what you want for your future. [Read: What should I do with my life? 16 steps to design your ideal future]

3. Take physical attraction out of the equation

Don’t even consider what either of them looks like. Judge this as if you were blind but still had the same feelings for each person.

The reason for this is because you can easily be drawn toward one simply because they’re more attractive than the other, who might actually be the better match for you. If you couldn’t even see either of them, who would you choose then? [Read: 150+ very deep relationship questions every couple MUST ask each other]

4. Notice your personality around each

Does your personality change with one person but not the other? Are you able to be more of yourself around one of them?

If so, that’s the person you should be with, not the one who makes you change your personality.

Also, pay attention to what your personality is like with each. Are your happier and laugh easier with one? That’s the person you’ll want to choose if that’s the case. Decide on the person who’ll bring out the best in you.

5. Think about the dynamic of each relationship

How are each of the relationships? You might not be in an exclusive relationship with either but you still have a certain dynamic with them.

If you have a really fun, light-hearted nature with one but a more serious, lusty dynamic with the other, go for the fun one.

Chances are, you might have a lot of strong sexual chemistry with the other one, but can you kick back and have a really good time? That’s what matters. [Read: What makes a good relationship? 30 signs of a great relationship]

6. Seek help from friends

Get your friends together and ask for their opinions. No, not on the two lovers, but who you seem better with.

Ask who you end up talking about more and get an outside opinion on how you act with both because your friends can see more clearly than you can. Have them help you when you’re torn between two lovers.

7. Decide whose lifestyle is the most similar to yours

This is really important because someone with a completely different lifestyle just won’t work with you, even if you really like them. You need someone whose life is very much like your own.

Does one of them want to go out and do the things you do regularly while another would prefer to skip those things and do something they like but you tolerate?

You don’t have to have every little thing in common, but you should have a generally similar lifestyle. [Read: 13 things you need for a perfectly happy life]

8. Think about your family, too

It’s true that your family doesn’t have to approve of your partner in order for you to be with them. However, if your family is important to you, you’ll want to make sure the other person can fit in well with them.

Which of the two would mesh well in your family? Does one person clearly stand out? You might want to think about choosing that person if your family is a major part of your life.

9. Discuss morals and values

You need to know where both people stand on serious issues. You need to know if your morals and values line up. If they don’t, you clearly can’t be with them because you’ll have major issues down the line.

You don’t have to have a lot of things in common with your partner in order for it to work, but the things you do NEED to have in common are your morals and values. Get to know theirs and choose wisely. [Read: What does being compatible mean in a relationship? Are you?]

10. Do you feel like you’re cheating on one of them more than the other?

This might be a little odd because you’re seeing two people. You might feel a little weird about it.

But which person do you feel the most guilty about when spending time with the other? That’s the person you have the stronger feelings for.

11. Assess how you feel before seeing each

Who are you most excited to see? Do you do anything extra special for one that you don’t do for the other?

Pay attention to your mood and excitement levels for a little while and see if there’s a trend. Obviously, the person you anticipate seeing more is the person you care about more.

12. Flip a coin

This may sound like the worst advice, but hear us out. If you assign one lover to heads and the other to tails, flip the coin and see who wins. Then decide how you feel.

Are you relieved or disappointed by the results of the coin toss? Depending on how you feel, that’ll tell you who you should really be with!

[Read: 20 questions to help you choose between two people you love]

Being torn between two lovers is never easy. You’ll have to let one of them go. Make sure it’s the right one by following these guidelines for choosing which you’d like to be with.

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The editorial team of LovePanky comprises relationship experts and real-life experts that share their experiences and life lessons. If you want the best love ad...