Are you sleeping with a rookie friends-with-benefits buddy? Here are 14 things to keep in mind while discussing details with a FWB newbie.
Being friends with benefits can be complicated, especially for someone who has never tried it. Yes, it can be fun, but there are still risks involved. You are not just taking a risk with your body. You are also putting your feelings and emotions on the line. After all, casual sex opens you up to diseases of the genitalia, as well as the proverbial heart.
That is why you need to have at least some knowledge of what you’re getting yourself into. You can’t go into it blind, or else you might end up with more than just scratches on your ego.
When you meet someone who wants to engage in casual sex, but has never tried it before whereas you have, you are automatically placed in the position of the sexual advisor. This means that you will teach them what to do and what not to do, depending on your circumstances. You might find yourself sleeping with an old friend, a co-worker, a classmate, or even a stranger.
No matter what your previous relationship with this person was, things will change once you get into each other’s pants. Since you’ve been down that road before, you should be magnanimous enough to tell them what’s up and what’s not.
Obviously, this is not what you signed up for. However, it’s exactly what you are in for. [Read: 10 casual relationship rules to get things started]
Why do I have to teach this person how to be a FWB?
Having casual sex does not excuse you from being a compassionate human being. This person obviously wants to explore something new – something that you’ve already been through.
Would it be so bad to show them the ropes and help them avoid getting hurt? If you’ve been in their shoes before, you know what it was like. You should be proud that you have the necessary know-how to help other people get through this dangerously exciting phase in their life.
If you can’t wrap your head around it, let us put it this way. If you don’t teach this person how to be a proper friend with benefits, you might end up with a guilty conscience, a love-struck sex partner, or worse, an STD.
None of those sound very appealing, so it would be in your best interest to give them a few pointers on how to go about sleeping with you on a casual basis. [Read: The guide to starting an FWB relationship with someone]
Do I have to teach them how to have sex?
It depends on whether you need to or not. Some people who are first-time FWBs might have been sleeping with their significant others for years before they met you. They probably know a thing or two that you don’t, so please don’t assume that this is your chance to play Madame Vandersexxx or Christian Grey.
When you’re in a relationship that revolves around sex, it’s understandable that you will communicate your needs with each other. You don’t need to teach them if they already know how to please you, but it is better if you talk about what you’ve done and wish to do from here on out. Who knows? You might learn something new from them, too. [Read: Top 50 kinky ideas that are worth trying at least once]
How to discuss the parameters of the FWB relationship
If you’re uncomfortable about enforcing rules and regulations about this casual relationship, here are a few tips that might help you ease into that conversation gently.
#1 Keep it casual. Don’t think of it as a teacher-student situation. Just go about it as if you were giving a friend some sage advice.
#2 Don’t lay it all out in one sitting. Turning the discussion into a whole seminar can turn your partner off the idea of sleeping with you. Tell them when the need arises, but don’t let the time to discuss stew for months. [Read: Starting a no strings attached relationship – laying the groundwork]
#3 Most important points. Before you sleep together, you need to discuss these first: birth control, sexual history, and exclusivity. You cannot start the relationship without establishing the rules for these physical aspects.
#4 Create an FWB honesty policy. Agree to be honest with each other about your setup because having assumptions in this type of relationship is very dangerous. You don’t need to be honest about what you do away from each other, but you do have to tell each other if you plan on sleeping with other people or if you’re developing any romantic feelings. [Read: 9 brilliant tips for having a casual relationship without any mess]
So what do you need to teach your new FWB?
Just to give you an idea on what you should cover, here is a list of what to discuss with a newbie FWB:
#1 Sexual history. You don’t need to exchange the numbers of how many people you’ve slept with, but you should give each other a general idea of what you’ve been doing for the past year.
#2 Get yourself checked. If you don’t trust this person, it’s best to get checked for STIs. Don’t worry about embarrassing yourself. You guys need to get over it because you will be having lots of sex with each other in the very near future. [Read: 10 ways to subtly ask your partner to get tested]
#3 Birth control. As tempting as it is to go at it raw, you should always consider the consequences of not using or using *in case medication is needed* birth control. Pregnancy and STIs are no joke. If you and your partner are thinking twice about using anything for protection, just remember that it’s better to be 90% covered than not at all. [Read: The different types of condoms and its effects on your sex life]
#4 Exclusivity parameters. Before anything else, you need to establish whether or not you will be sleeping with other people on a regular basis. You and your partner can decide to sleep with each other exclusively and promise to inform one another once that rule needs to change.
#5 Communication frequency. If you’re old friends and have been communicating constantly, it’s not necessary to change anything with the way you talk to each other. Just make sure that you’re open and honest about your feelings on the matter. As for strangers and casual acquaintances, it would be better to keep the conversations at a minimum – like once or twice a week. This is so you won’t get confused about your roles as FWBs. [Read: 10 worst people to have a one night stand with]
#6 Be very honest and transparent about your intentions. Some people go into FWB relationships hoping that one day their partner might develop feelings for them. If that’s not what you’re into, make that very clear.
#7 Roles and responsibilities. Your main job is to get each other off whenever you have the time. If it goes beyond that, the situation might develop into something that’s not suitable for either of you. Giving gifts, going on regular dates, and being emotionally available are big no-no’s. Remember: YOU ARE NOT DATING. [Read: 13 rebound sex questions to know if you’re really ready for a FWB]
#8 Warning bells. Warning bells include warm fuzzy feelings, jealousy, and a need to express your love for your FWB. When any of those things start to happen, you better regroup and think carefully about what you should do next.
#9 Feeling a certain way. If you or your partner starts to develop feelings, you’re basically screwed. The best thing you should do, in case this happens, is to talk it out or bail. We recommend discussing it and reaching a plausible decision to stop being f*ck buddies or start dating like regular people. Whatever the final decision is, just remember that you should do what makes you happy.
#10 Breakups. The rules about breaking up with an FWB are pretty unclear, seeing as that no one actually does it on an official basis. People just stop sleeping together and fade away from each other’s lives. If you want to cover all your bases, you can still opt to discuss it with your partner, so you can say goodbye properly. [Read: The right way to break up with a friend with benefits]
Guiding someone to become a casual fling seems surreal, right? But it is necessary, especially if you’re aware of the things that could manifest out of an irresponsible foray into casual sex.
[Read: The 25 most important rules of being friends with benefits that everyone’s got to follow]
Don’t be ashamed of having to tell your partner what to do and what not to do as an FWB. They’ll definitely be grateful that you taught them how to be a good partner and friend with benefits.
