Are you in a flirtationship? Do you even know if you are or what it really is? If not, then here is everything you need to know about it and what to do.
Flirting is a natural human instinct. It is the precursor to getting together with someone romantically and dating, and eventually, having sex or getting into a relationship. But sometimes, it doesn’t go that far. And that’s when you know you’re in a flirtationship.
What is a flirtationship?
A flirtationship is a relationship between two people who flirt with each other a lot. There are actually two types of them. The first type is where both of them engage in flirtatious behavior without the promise of becoming anything more. They just decide to flirt with each other without expecting a kiss, sex, or dating. You just flirt.
The second type of flirtationship is when two people flirt with the hopes of it leading to romantic interaction, dating, or a relationship. In this situation, one or both of the people hope the flirting leads to something more.
This is very different from the Friend Zone and the Friends with Benefits. A flirtationship is situated somewhere in between those two. [Read: Prolonged eye contact when flirting – what it means and how to do it]
A flirtationship is something that develops between two people who are aware that they have an attraction for each other but cannot or choose not to pursue it because of extenuating circumstances or other reasons.
Although you may give hints or you may exchange sweet words, it’s never explicitly stated if there really is an attraction there.
Flirtationships happen at school, work, parties, gatherings – anywhere that has a group of people engaged in any activity that does not involve having to be on a date. [Read: Friendly vs. flirty – 22 signs to tell if someone is flirting with you]
You can flirt by complimenting each other, making sexual jokes, or just by fooling around without having to take your clothes off. You can even do this through texts, emails, or social media comments.
All in all, the first type is pretty safe and gratuitous. There’s no pressure or expectations. Most of your friends will end up teasing you, but they won’t even try to set you up, because you’re already flirting. The second type can get frustrating if only one person wants to go beyond the flirting and start dating and the other person doesn’t.
Flirting is just something that people do to pass the time or test the waters on whether or not they are ready to be in a relationship – and it does not necessarily mean that it’s with the one they’re in a flirtationship with. [Read: Everything you need to know about flirtationships]
What happens in a flirtationship?
One or two things happen in a flirtationship. Two people will start flirting with each other by doing thoughtful things for each other, giving each other pet names, or talking to each other as if they were in an actual relationship.
They don’t kiss or have sex. The most intimate thing they can do is hug and hold hands. It’s not that it’s not allowed. It’s because doing anything physically intimate than those things can lead to various complications.
Why do people get into flirtationships?
It’s not something that most people set out to do. It usually happens because two friends decide that they like each other, but can’t be romantically involved because of different reasons. The reasons are usually as follows:
1. They have a girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse
Without discussing the moral implications of this one, this is usually the reason why most flirtationships can’t progress into a real relationship. [Read: Is flirting cheating when you’re in a relationship]
People flirt with other people for the thrill or just to try something new. Other times, it is caused by dissatisfaction in the current relationship.
2. The age difference
Legalities aside, a huge age difference can prevent two people from having a relationship. Their families might not agree to it and society also isn’t that forgiving.
So, the best thing they can do to avoid any emotional backlash is to not get together at all. If they can’t fight the power, the best thing they can do is admire each other from afar and engage in a flirtationship. [Read: When does the age difference matter in a relationship?]
3. The ex
It could be that their ex is crazy or maybe one of you has just broken up with your last partner. Either way, dating someone publicly with those factors in mind can seem inappropriate or downright improbable.
A flirtationship will do for now, but this type can progress to something deeper if the ex is out of the picture. [Read: 8 smart ways to deal with your hostile ex]
4. One of you isn’t ready
Whoever holds the reins on this decision is the one who decides whether it will remain a flirtationship or not. By not making any promises, they can still spend time with the person they like without having to commit to anything.
The downside is they can’t do anything more than flirt with their “friend.” [Read: 16 signs you’re not ready for a serious relationship]
5. Distance
If two people can’t get together because they’re hundreds or thousands of miles away, what else can they do but Skype and text?
A flirtationship usually develops, but nothing else can happen unless someone is willing to bridge that continental gap. [Read: How to handle a long-distance relationship]
Why stay and not take it to the next level?
Sometimes, the people in a flirtationship can be brave enough to upgrade their situation. Other times, the circumstances mentioned above prove to be too difficult to overcome.
When that happens, all they can do is engage in a harmless flirtationship that promises nothing more than a few smiley emoticons and a haphazard XOXO.
It could also be that neither one wants to do anything about it because they’re comfortable in the situation. Another reason could be that they don’t want to ruin their flirtationship by speaking up and potentially scaring their partner away. [Read: 10 ways to flirt with a guy without actually flirting]
No matter what the reason, both people in a flirtationship should agree that they want to take whatever it is they have to the next level.
If they don’t, there are a lot of consequences for what they are doing. Someone could fall in love. Someone could get caught by their girlfriend or boyfriend. Most of the time, flirtationships end with someone’s heartbroken.
How do you know if you are in a flirtationship?
It’s fairly obvious if you are indeed in a flirtationship. When the person you like is flirting with you and you’re flirting back, the flirtationship has begun.
When this flirtation becomes stagnant because neither of you wants to take it further, you can then confirm that it is definitely a flirtationship. [Read: 15 obvious signs that two people are flirting with each other]
Most people don’t label it at all unless someone asks. Since this is reserved for people who don’t want to be in relationships, yet don’t want to sleep with each other either, there’s no other way to put it.
11 signs that you are in a flirtationship
How can you tell if you’re in a flirtationship or you’re just talking to someone who’s just super friendly with you? Let’s clarify your status with these signs.
1. You send each other cute and adorable texts about how your day went
You can also talk about other things, while still squeezing in a few harmless flirty texts and messages. [Read: 20 Flirty emojis to tease in your texts and leave them thinking of you]
2. You don’t pay for each other’s food or stuff unless it’s someone’s birthday
Being in a flirtationship means that you are not eligible for the fringe benefits that an actual relationship provides. Unless you’re willing to put your heart on the table, you’re paying for your own dinner.
3. You give each other a pet name
It can be the generic “baby” or “babe,” but most people in flirtationships develop their own pet names that also double as an inside joke. This makes it more evident that you are still friends even while you’re flirting.
4. You don’t kiss at all
You want to, but it’s “forbidden.” No one agreed to it, but no one is willing to throw away the fun you’re having by making it complicated with a kiss. [Read: 15 secrets for a memorable first kiss]
5. You don’t sleep together
If you do, you will then be considered as Friends with Benefits. It’s a tad more intimate than being in a flirtationship, but it also has worse repercussions like a potential unwanted pregnancy and a bigger emotional hang-up over each other.
6. You never say “I Love You”
Why would you? If you do, you’re practically on the losing end if they don’t reciprocate. If they do feel the same way, then great! But you could potentially bring in the complications that go with an actual relationship.
7. You don’t complain about the girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse
This is one of the biggest disadvantages of agreeing to be in a flirtationship. You went in knowing that the person you’re flirting with has a significant other.
If you do complain, your flirtationship partner might reject you for your complaints or find you presumptuous to think that you have a right to complain.
8. You treat each other more like friends rather than a girlfriend or boyfriend
The flirting comes and goes, but flirtationships usually revolve around the two of you making it all about your friendship. No matter how much flirting you do, you never forget that you are, first and foremost, JUST friends. [Read: 10 steps to know if you’re really more than just friends]
9. People don’t understand what’s going on
They are aware that you two are in a flirtationship, but they usually don’t get why you won’t do anything about it or at least break it off. It’s even harder to explain because they have to be in your situation for them to see everything that happens in your pseudo-relationship.
10. You can’t label it
You’re not together, but you’re not not-together. It’s complicated, you say. It just isn’t the right time, one of you says.
No matter what the reason, it’s hard to explain to people what you are doing exactly. If necessary, you can at least relax knowing that someone invented a term for what you guys have: A Flirtationship. [Read: What are we? How to get your crush to label your relationship]
11. You have cuddled at least once without it being weird
Usually, when people cuddle, there are romantic intentions behind that act. But if you have cuddled with this person at least once, but neither of you thought it was weird, then you could be in a flirtationship and not even know it.
Flirtationship rules
Flirtationships can be fun or dangerous, depending on each person’s relationship status. But if you truly want to keep this person around but not have it lead to anything more, then you have to follow these rules.
1. Just flirt
As the word says, this is a flirtationship. Flirting means bantering back and forth, giving compliments, and laughing and having fun together. But that’s it.
It doesn’t go any further than that. You don’t talk about any romantic future between the two of you. [Read: Is she flirting with me or just being friendly? 17 quick signs to read her mind]
2. Don’t talk about significant others
If one or both of you are in a relationship, then don’t talk about them. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t tell the other person about your relationship status.
But if you talk about your partner when you’re flirting, it kind of kills the moment. Keep that to yourself and focus on the person you’re flirting with.
3. No romantic touching
When people flirt, it’s not uncommon for them to laugh and touch the other person on their shoulder or arm. But keep it to platonic touching. Don’t hold hands, put your arms around each other or cuddle. These are romantic touches that can lead to more than just flirting.
4. Don’t hang out too much alone
If one or both of you wants to keep your relationship to strictly flirting, then don’t hang out alone too much. This can be dangerous because it can lead to a sense of emotional or even physical intimacy.
So, if you have mutual friends, hang out in a group to keep it in the zone of friendship. [Read: Emotional cheating vs. friendship – the point when a line is crossed]
5. Don’t stay in contact too much
It might be tempting to talk to each other 24/7 because it’s fun to keep the flirting going. But it can be a danger zone too. If you’re both single, you’ll get emotionally attached *or maybe just one of you will*. If you’re in a relationship, it’s not fair to your partner to talk to another person that much. It’s borderline cheating.
To flirt or not to flirt? The pros and cons
There are many reasons why people will choose to be in a flirtationship, but most of those reasons are something that only one of the two people involved can control.
One of you could be in a relationship, you rarely see each other, you live in different cities or maybe one of you is not ready. Any valid reason not to be in a relationship counts as a reason to be in a flirtationship. [Read: 5 Different types of flirting and how to pick the one that works for you]
Pros
1. It gives you time to think about relationship potential
Being in a flirtationship can give you enough time to decide what you really want out of the person you like. You can choose to pursue an actual relationship, content yourself with your current situation or forget about it and never look back.
2. It’s fun
Who doesn’t like to flirt? It’s fun! It’s a welcome change and distraction from normal life. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, most people don’t flirt too often. So, it’s something exciting to look forward to and makes life less boring.
3. It can be harmless
There can be a variety of reasons why flirting can be absolutely harmless. It can be because of an age difference, geographical distance, or any other reasons. When it’s harmless, you’re not hurting anyone – even yourself. [Read: When does flirting become cheating? The guide to know for sure]
4. It makes you feel alive
When you have a crush on someone, it makes you feel alive. Your brain releases a lot of feel-good chemicals and it makes you feel like you’re walking on Cloud 9. It almost feels like falling in love, but it’s not. Regardless, it puts a pep in your step.
5. It makes you feel attractive
If someone is flirting with you, then that means they like something about you. Sure, it could be just your personality, but they probably find you physically attractive too. It always feels good when other people think you are hot! Everyone likes to feel that way.
Cons
1. You can get hurt
It seems easy from an outsider’s point of view but being involved in a flirtationship means that you are already emotionally vulnerable. Just because it seems harmless, it does not guarantee that one of you won’t fall for the other. [Read: How to get over a crush on a friend – 15 steps to stay platonic]
When this happens, you need to start reconsidering your position. Do you want something more? Or do you just want to let it go?
2. Genuine interest can be one-sided
Maybe you are very interested in dating this person so you think that the flirting will lead to that. But maybe to them, it’s just fun and that’s it. They might not have any intention of dating you. Instead, they might just have a flirty personality or be using the flirting to pump up their ego.
3. You don’t know their real intentions
Even if they are interested in you, you don’t really know if they plan to take it any further than just flirting. There will be a lot of guesswork involved unless you come right out and ask them what their intentions are with you. [Read: Mixed signals from a guy – the guide to interpret his intentions]
4. It can be dangerous if one or both of you are in a relationship
Flirting can be harmless, but if one or both of you are in a relationship, then you can enter into dangerous territory. It might start out innocent, but then it might progress to a point where one or both of you are tempted to take it to the next level.
5. It can be frustrating
While flirting can be fun and exciting, it can also be frustrating. If you want the flirting to lead somewhere and it doesn’t *or it’s taking way too long*, it can make you a little crazy. You might wonder if it will ever go anywhere and feel like you’re just spinning your wheels and standing still.
Signs your flirtationship has fizzled out
Flirtationships don’t last forever. They can last for years and never move forward, but it never goes beyond that. People will either develop feelings for their flirt buddy or they won’t. Here are the signs that your flirtationship is headed nowhere:
1. He *or she* still hasn’t asked you out on a DATE
The one thing that sets a flirtationship apart from other types of pseudo-relationships like affairs, friends-with-benefits, etc. is that no one ever goes out on a flirtationship date.
When your partner continues to flirt with you, but never really attempts to officially ask you out, that’s as good as it will ever get. [Read: 9 ways to get him to ask you out]
2. He has flirtationships with other people
Flirtationships are non-exclusive. Once someone starts flirting with you and you flirt back, it’s already considered a flirtationship.
If you notice that your partner is being too flirty with his other “friends,” it probably means that your flirtationship is nothing special, and probably won’t be in the future. [Read: 15 obvious signs of flirting between two people]
3. You can’t bring yourself to ask, “Where is this going?”
There is no good way to DTR or define-the-relationship when you’re in a flirtationship. You have no tangible factors to draw from like sex, admissions of feelings, or any other forms of intimacy and affection.
In your eyes, you were just flirting. You can’t exactly upgrade to a relationship from something as trivial as that. So, how can you move forward if you can’t even bring up the subject of where your little “thing” is headed? [Read: 6 tips for talking about defining the relationship]
4. When you do ask, they “don’t know”
That’s because they know exactly where they stand and can’t deal with something that hasn’t seriously crossed their minds. If you want a relationship, you need to ask for it. But first, you have to consider whether your flirt buddy feels the same way.
5. You start getting frustrated by the situation
One of the biggest red flags to consider in a flirtationship is being frustrated that you don’t have more. This means that the temporary high of your flirtations has now reached its peak and is spiraling downward, taking you with it. [Read: A guy likes you but doesn’t want a relationship – will he ever be ready?]
You need to stop, re-evaluate your situation and find out what you really want before you overreact to something that isn’t a big deal to the other person.
6. Nothing you do or say can change the situation
Even if you do put the idea of a relationship on the table, there is a big chance that the person you’re flirting with will reject the idea. When this happens, you need to accept it and move on.
You can’t push someone to do something that they don’t want – that definitely includes turning a flirtationship into a relationship. [Read: 10 signs it’s time for the relationship talk]
7. You’re tired
Being in a flirtationship is fun at first, but there will come a day when you get sick and tired of not being able to progress with your feelings. All the smiley faces and compliments cannot make up for the fact that you can’t say “I love you” or go on a date.
Flirtationships are simple. Love is complex and needs to be explored on a deeper level. If you’re finally ready for that, then we suggest you dispose of your flirtationship immediately.
How do you end a flirtationship?
Ending a flirtationship is very different from breaking up with someone you are in a relationship with. You don’t need to explain yourself. You can just stop doing it and no one will hold it against you. But when do you decide to stop? [Read: The crucial guide for surviving the hookup culture]
You should stop being in a flirtationship when all the signs listed above start to become more substantial and obvious. If the only benefit you get is a temporary If the only benefit is to escape from the reality that is your single life, then you should end it.
You may be flirting with a friend, but his feelings for you cannot be validated unless you both start to contemplate moving your flirtationship forward.
If that doesn’t happen, you need to end it. How? Here are a few tips:
1. STOP FLIRTING BACK
Lessen the emojis. Stop acting like a sorta-girlfriend. Start treating your friend like a friend. [Read: How to stop a guy from flirting and hitting on you]
2. Casually tell them you plan on getting serious with the next person you like
If that’s not an obvious sign to step back, we don’t know what is.
3. Lay everything out in the open
Try being honest. You never know. He might just need a jumpstart to realize that a relationship with you might be better than a flirtationship that will end in nothing.
[Read: 6 foolproof ways to get yourself out of the friend zone]
Being in a flirtationship is an easy choice but staying in it or leaving it is a hard one. Know what you’re up against by reading these signs. That way, you can decide for yourself if this is really what you and your partner want. If it’s not, step down by ending it or step up by making it more than just a mere flirtationship!
