The world of dating can be frustrating. If you want to avoid dating stress, you need to learn how to stop texting first and let them do some of the work!
When you first meet someone, it’s all happiness and smiles, but after the first few weeks or even days of back and forth texting, the risk of ghosting comes into play. If you know when to stop texting first, you can save yourself some heartache and probably get them totally into you again.
It’s something we’re all terrified of in those first few weeks of a crush. It’s almost as if you become hooked on your phone beeping for a surge of adrenaline. We all know how it feels because we’ve all been there, but being ghosted is no fun at all.
The thing is, you need to set your stall out early on and stick to it. If you show your crush that you’re willing to always do the work and let them get away with anything, they’re going to take advantage of that. It’s human nature. However, if you set boundaries from the start and refuse to bend on them, they’re going to see that you’re not someone to be messed around with. Ironically, this can actually make you more attractive to them, because you instantly become a challenge. [Read: What is ghosting and how it can impact you]
Why always texting first sends the wrong message
Hands up if you’ve always been the one who texts first. Come on, hands up, there’s no shame in it!
The routine goes a little like this – you fire off your text, wait a while, tell yourself you’re going to make them do a little of the leg work, but you always give in in the end. “How’s your day?”, you end up sending. From there, the conversation starts to flow. Then, after a while, it stops again, and your adrenaline hit runs out.
Can you instantly recognize this pattern? [Read: 20 Flirty texting facts to help you have a good love life]
This behavior, although common, is actually problematic on many levels. It shows anyone you’re talking to in a flirty manner that they can just relax, and you’ll come running. Not a good look, right? Thankfully you can learn from these mistakes. The truth is, however, many people fall for the same issue.
We’ll say it clearly—you need to stop texting first all the time! [Read: Texting your crush the right way – The step-by-step guide to do it]
Of course, someone has to be the first one to break the ice and we’re not suggesting that you never text first, but you should stop texting first every single time. If they don’t text you either, wait a while. In the end, they’ll probably give in and you’ve shown them that you actually have a life outside of them too.
We know it’s hard. When you’re being ghosted, you just want some kind of reassurance that it’s not starting to go the same way as it always has in the past. It’s understandable, but it’s also important to remember that if someone is childish enough to play these types of games, you don’t really need them in your life anyway. [Read: How to read the signs of the self-centered early on and avoid them]
Reasons why you need to stop texting first
If you’re always the one picking up your phone to reach out first, check out these nine reasons why you should stop texting first every single time.
1. You’ll easily notice if they’re a good one or not
If you stop texting first and they don’t reply, there’s your answer – they’re not worth your time. You can also figure out from being a little more fluid with your texting whether or not they’re a good one or someone who’s liable to play ghosting games with you when they become bored.
A healthy line of communication should be a mixture of them texting you first sometimes and you texting them first sometimes – equal! Don’t devalue yourself by constantly chasing after someone who can’t even be bothered to say “good morning” or ask you how you are. [Read: What it means when they never text first but always reply]
2. You don’t have to do the hard work all the time
By texting first all the time, you’re doing the hard work. You’re constantly thinking of something to say, always wondering what they’re doing and why they haven’t texted you. It’s exhausting. Crushes and even full-blown relationships should not be this much hard work!
Relax. Stop texting first for a while and see what happens. With a bit of luck, your beau will figure it out and do their fair share of the work. [Read:Double texting and second texts – 6 simple rules to play it cool]
3 You give yourself time to focus on yourself
When you first meet someone, it’s really easy to make your life all about them. You start to obsess about the smallest things, and as a result, you forget your friends, your hobbies, and the things you used to enjoy.
It’s a massive pitfall, and one you need to avoid at all costs. By constantly checking your phone and always being the one to text first, you’re putting one foot on that slippery slope. Relax and see what happens. In the meantime, focus back on yourself and enjoy your time. [Read: How to be independent even when you’re in a relationship]
4. You learn to enjoy dating rather than becoming stressed
Most people don’t enjoy dating and always find it super-stressful. You ended up constantly checking your phone and thinking of things to text just to make contact. It makes you cringe when you look back because it can make you look desperate. By learning to stop texting first, you actually relax and start to enjoy the first flourishes of love. I’m told that it can be enjoyable if you just lighten up and let it flow naturally.
5. They quickly realize they can’t take you for granted
If you’re always happy to do the hard work and text first, they’re not going to try very hard. It’s a natural human response. However, if you make them work a little, i.e. do their share of the texting, then they’re going to quickly see that if they take you for granted, you just don’t text at all either.
It’s a far better picture and one which cultivates respect. That’s a far healthier and happier picture, don’t you agree? [Read: How your self respect affects you and the relationships in your life]
6. They’ll appreciate your worth
When you’re not texting them, they’re thinking the same thing you’re thinking when you don’t get a text from them – what are they doing? Who are they with? Why aren’t they thinking about me?
It’s a classic power play. Although dating shouldn’t include games, in all honesty, it does. Let them wonder what you’re up to! It makes them appreciate you more and ensures that your own level of self-worth isn’t eroded away by constantly wondering why they’re not texting you first. [Read: How to play mind games over text and make someone crazy about you]
7. You’ll actually have something to talk about
When you’re constantly texting first, it’s normally random things you’ll end up texting because eventually you’ll run out of witty things to say! When you wait a while, allow them to do a little of the work, you’ll actually notice that you have more things to talk about. Your communication will be improved. In any crush/relationship/dating situation, everything should be equal. That includes communication.
8. You set out your intentions and boundaries from the start
If you’re texting first all the time, why are they going to try? You’re showing from the start that you’re happy to do all the leg work. They simply assume they can relax. However, if you stop texting first and wait it out a while right from the beginning, they’ll understand that you’re not someone they can be quite so lazy with. You avoid setting a dangerous precedent. [Read: 13 rules you need to follow when someone stops texting you]
9. The “power play” in your relationship will be equal
#9 The “power play” in your relationship will be equal. It’s true that the whole idea of there being any amount of power in a relationship is just ridiculous, but if you’re always texting first, they’re the ones with the power in their hands. You’re literally allowing them to affect how you feel and making you wonder why they’re ghosting you or ignoring you. However, if there is a fair amount of back and forth texting, everything is far more equal and much healthier as a result.
10. You’ll become more of a challenge in their eyes
Again, we’re back to playing games, but sometimes you have to resort to such tactics to show someone that you really mean business. When you stop texting first all the time, they’ll start to wonder what you’re doing, who you’re with, what or who is taking up your time. That kicks them into gear and makes them start to text you more often. It shouldn’t have to be this way, but unfortunately that’s dating for you! [Read: How to make him realize your worth & see that you deserve better]
11. A person who appreciates their own worth is far sexier
When you set out your boundaries from the start and show that you’re not going to tolerate laziness and a lack of effort, you show that you know your own worth, as we’ve already established. The thing is, a person who knows their own worth is instantly sexier and see as more of a catch. You’re independent, you’re not going to stand for poor behavior, and as a result, you’re super-attractive in their eyes.
12. The texts are genuine
When you stop texting first and you share the responsibility equally, the texts are more genuine. If you’re always texting first and trying to get a reply, how can you be sure that they’d have texted you in the first place? Maybe they wouldn’t have bothered texting at all if you hadn’t. That means you don’t know whether they’re genuinely keen on you or not, because you’re forcing it. However, when you don’t text first all the time, the texts you get are because they thought of you. That’s worth far more. [Read: Texting anxiety: How to send & receive texts without freaking out]
It doesn’t mean you should NEVER text first!
You might be reading this and thinking that you never have to initiate a text conversation again and you should wait for them to do it. Wrong! When you stop texting first all the time, you’re grabbing benefits. When you stop texting first constantly, you’re going to make them think you’re not interested! It’s a balance you need to get right.
The truth is that texting in the early stages of a crush can be confusing but it doesn’t have to be. It can be fun and lighthearted as you get to know one another – surely that’s what dating is supposed to be? When you put pressure on yourself to constantly come up with something new and witty to say, you’re stressing yourself out unnecessarily. That’s not fun or lighthearted. [Read: New relationship anxiety: Turn off your negative inner voice]
What you need to do is find ways to occupy your time so that you’re not constantly waiting for a text. Take it in turns roughly, but don’t stick to a solid pattern. If this person likes you as much as you like them, they’ll happily share the texting load with you. Ironically, all of this makes you seem more attractive in their own eyes because you have your own life, you’re busy with your own stuff, and you’re not showing neediness or a desire to be clingy from the start.
Hold back on those first texts – just not all of the time!
[Read: Texting your crush: A step-by-step guide to doing it right]
Learning how to stop texting first isn’t easy. Sit on your hands, distract yourself, and try your best not to give in. It will work in your favor, and eventually it will become easier.
