Going out with the person you like sounds like a dream come true, right? That is, until you realize that you’re not on a date at all.
If it feels like a date, is it really a date? How does one define “date,” anyway?
Is it when a guy asks a girl out and takes her somewhere nice? Is it when they pick you up from your house and get you back safe and sound? Were you on a date if you end up kissing or sleeping together? Does this mean that you’re about to embark on a new relationship?
Take a second to look at the whole picture. Going out with someone is not black and white anymore. You need to look at the facts, and take them as they are. A date is a date only if it is a precursor to a romantic relationship. You’re not going out with this person to hang out or hook up–and certainly not as a favor.
Is it a date?
When someone asks you out using the phrase, “Would you like to go out with me?” it’s pretty much a date. If, however, they ask you to go eat somewhere, play pool, watch a game, or go out dancing, can you still call it a date?
Ideally, it should be, but it’s not that simple these days. Spending time together does not automatically mean you’re on a date. Some people are tricky; they know what being on a date means, and they’ve concocted various ways to dodge the label by avoiding the term itself.
Let me put it this way: If they don’t think it’s a date, they can pretty much get away with anything. [Read: 8 dating attitudes that push potential dating partners away]
If it’s not a date, then what is it?
You can call a non-date lots of things, but the most common phrase we hear these days is “hanging out.” It is probably the most non-committal phrase a person can use, because it can be applied to anyone-even to the homeless person in the alleyway next to your office building.
Hanging out is any activity that does not require lasting commitment, unlike work, school, or dating. You can do whatever you want when you’re hanging out, but the confusing part is that you can do the same things when you’re out on a date.
It is not like the old days when dates had a format: dinner, dessert, coffee/drinks, home. People have different tastes now. You can see couples on a date at a basketball game, a skate park, or even a pottery class. Without a set of standards for what a date really is, you’re left asking the question: are you dating this person? [Read: Everything you need to know about a flirtationship]
How do you know if it’s a date or not?
The signs are quite subtle, but they’re there. Rather than torture yourself with unanswered questions, you can look at how a person treats you on a date, and decide for yourself whether it’s a date or not.
#1 Three’s a crowd. If it’s a double date or a group date, you’ll know. If you’re spending time with one or more people who are not involved in your budding relationship, you’re not on a date.
#2 What’s their motivation? If the purpose of your excursion is to do something other than share your interests or get to know each other, it’s not a date. An example would be going to the mall to buy something, eating at a restaurant because someone’s hungry, or going to the library to study.
#3 Did it happen out of nowhere? It could be a date, but it’s more likely that the person you’re going out with just wants to do something spontaneous, and you were the only person they could think of. It may seem like a good sign, but it’s still a non-committal gesture.
#4 Staying in or going out? Ordering in and Netflix? For a first date? Really, now. [Read: What to do on a first date with your online match]
#5 What’s next on the agenda? Your date is all planned out, and you know the specifics–or at least an idea of where and when you’re going out. Without an itinerary, you’re basically playing it by ear, hoping that something good will come out of the “date.”
#6 They made an effort to look good. If it seems like they spent a fair amount of time on their hair and outfit, you can rest assured that they are there to impress you. If they look like they’re about to pick up some groceries, you are probably just going to chill somewhere.
#7 They put a lot of thought into where you’re going. You’ll know it’s a date if they planned the excursion according to your preferences or what they think you’d like. If they invited you just so they wouldn’t be alone, it’s a hang-out.
#8 Knowing where you stand. If a person genuinely likes you and wants to start a relationship with you, they will tell you. They might not use those exact words, but you’ll know the truth when you don’t doubt what you see and feel.
Don’t lie to yourself by saying that you’re just like a regular couple. Lots of people engage in romantic activities when they’re just friends or are hooking up. That’s why some people are still confused about the difference between dating and hanging out; they want to believe that they’re on a date, so they find ways to justify that it’s true.
[Read: The un-date and 8 more almost-relationships of modern daters]
If the person you’re seeing can’t give you a straight answer, you’re better off looking for someone who knows what they want and are willing to give it to you. Stop selling yourself short by settling for a hang-out when you deserve an amazing date. If you’re not sure, just ask. You have nothing to lose.
