Dating is a confusing subject, full of what ifs and maybes. For instance, how many dates before sex? Is it 3, 5, more? Truthfully, it’s personal choice.
The first time you have sex is a pretty big deal. You’re getting intimate with someone physically for the first time and that’s a little scary. You’re putting your trust in someone new. So how many dates before sex is considered the right amount? Is there an actual answer, or not?
Nobody really knows for sure. The truth is, it differs for everyone. People have their own rules when it comes to sleeping with a new person. But if you’re not sure how long you should wait, you may want to consider if you’re ready to sleep with someone new in the first place. [Read: First time sex and the virgin’s guide to nailing it]
Why is this such a big deal to begin with?
Why are we even asking the question of how many dates before sex? Should this even be a thing we’re concerned about?
The main reason why people ponder this question is because of what other people might think. It’s wrong on many levels. You see, dating has a lot of unspoken rules and judgments that can be placed upon you if you go against one of them. It’s possible you have no idea that you’re going against a guideline because as we mentioned, they’re unspoken! [Read: Rules of dating – The unspoken guidelines the create the best dates]
You might meet someone, really connect and have such a huge amount of sexual chemistry that you want to sleep with them on the first date. However, you might meet someone and it’s a slow-burning situation. It might take six or more dates before you feel those twinges of desire. Is either situation wrong? Not really! as long as both parties are in agreeance, then what’s the issue?
But, it’s true if you have sex too soon it could affect how you get to know one another. Sex does have a habit of complicating things, but not for everyone. For that reason, go with your gut. Think about it first, for sure, but don’t be too concerned with what other people think. If you want to wait, that’s great. If you don’t want to wait, don’t. [Read: Sleeping with someone new for the first time? 13 must-follow rules]
Are you giving it up too soon?
The other issue and the reason why we are so distracted with how soon or how late to have sex is that we think if we give it up too soon, we’re not holding the cards of power anymore. You see, dating is a power game in many ways. It’s wrong, for sure, but that’s how it is.
Whether you believe this to be right or not, if a woman sleeps with someone on a first date, their partner may think that they can get whatever they want now, because they’ve given up their power. How do you feel about that? Do you think sex should really be that complicated?
The truth is, nobody has given anything up. For sure, feelings tend to accelerate when sex is involved, but if you’re someone who’s pretty good at separating the two and you want to go for it, why should you have to worry about power games? [Read: Sex in a new relationship – How to make the first time less awkward]
Some people wait a long time to have sex with someone new
And that’s okay!
There’s certainly a case for waiting a while to have sex. You can wait for three dates or you can wait months before letting someone into your bed. For those that might want to wait, these are some reasons they decide not to have sex for a while when they get with someone new. [Read: Should you give in to the urge of sex on the first date?]
1. Religion
There’s a huge amount of people who wait a while to have sex due to their religious beliefs. While many wait until marriage, others just wait a longer amount of time to be sure they love someone first.
If you’re in this category, you may want to wait until you feel comfortable going forward with it for religious purposes. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to rush. Stick with your beliefs when it comes to something as precious as your faith.
2. Wanting to see ‘proper’
There are a lot of people who want to know how many dates before sex simply so they don’t seem like a promiscuous type. They want to be seen as more proper and less like someone who’ll sleep around on the first date and so they choose to wait a while for that reason. [Read: First time sex – 7 myths girls should quit believing]
This is the exact issue we were talking about just now – it’s concerned with what others think. You simply need to be okay with how it makes you feel and not worry about whether someone you don’t know that well thinks you’re promiscuous or not.
3. Not wanting to seem easy
This is very much like the idea above. Because someone doesn’t want to appear easy, they wait a while to sleep with someone. They want the other person to put forth more of an effort before they get in bed.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. However, keep in mind that you won’t appear to be easy just because you sleep with someone. And if that person thinks you are, are they really someone you want to be sleeping with? Probably not. [Read: 18 things you do that make people think you’re easy]
4. Feeling too young or not ready
his really differs from person to person. What one person thinks is too young is a perfectly acceptable age to others. The reason some people wait is simply to mature a little more. They want to make sure they’re ready and so they wait until they age in the hopes that will grant them some sort of answer. That is the single best reason to wait it out – only have sex when you’re totally ready.
5. Not trusting the new person yet
This is a pretty common reason people wait to have sex. When you’re with someone new, you really don’t know them all that well.
They could seem like a great person but you might not trust them just yet. If that’s the case, you’ll probably hold off until you know them enough to determine if you trust them fully. Because after all, you can’t sleep with someone you don’t fully trust. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship and make it last]
6. Not being over their previous partner
Even if you’re with someone new, you might not be over your previous partner. This is really normal and it might hold you back from sleeping with someone. There’s nothing wrong with this. Take your time and don’t move forward until you’re 100% ready to. [Read: How to get over your ex]
7. They want to avoid the risks
As always, there are risks associated with having sex. STDs and pregnancy come to mind and even if you’re being safe, there’s always a chance of them. Many people wait to have sex just so they’re sure they want to go forward with that person because there’s always a chance of pregnancy and having to raise a child together. Of course, you should always have safe sex and that does a lot to minimize risks – be sure that you’re on birth control and/or you use condoms correctly and carefully.
Signs you’re ready to have sex with someone new
The big question here is how many dates before sex? How long should you really wait to show someone you like them but without looking too eager? In all honesty, it’s more about if you’re ready to have sex with someone new. It’s personal and you shouldn’t allow anything else to come into it other than how you feel. Here are the signs you should feel free to go for it. [Read: Having sex too soon – 12 consequences you have to be prepared for]
1. You trust them fully
Never have sex with someone you don’t trust. You’re giving a lot to that person and you have to trust that they won’t’ hurt you in any way. If you feel like you trust them fully, it doesn’t really matter how many dates you’ve been on.
2. You’re both exclusive
Unless you’ve both discussed an open relationship, you should wait until you’re exclusive with someone before having sex with them. This cuts down the risk of STDs and shows you both just how much you care for each other already. [Read: 15 signs you’re at the exclusive stage in your relationship]
3. You simply want to
This is a really big point. Do you want to have sex with them? Is every part of you positive about it? You really have to be 100% certain you want to do it before going through with it. If that means waiting a few months and 15 dates, so be it.
4. You’ve talked about it already
Yes, you should have talked about the sex before having it. Discuss what you both like and are expecting. You also need to discuss safety and if either of you has or have had any STDs in the past. It’s important to get all of those facts out of the way first. If you can’t talk about sex with your partner you’re not ready to have it, it’s that simple! [Read: How to tell a guy you want to have sex without feeling slutty]
5. You’re prepared to be safe
You’re either on birth control or will be using protection – or both. If you’re not ready to do those things, you’re definitely not ready for sex with that person. And if they refuse them, never sleep with them.
6. You have deep emotional feelings for them
Sex can be just physical, for sure. But if you’re going out on dates and want a future with that person, make sure you have an emotional connection first. Not only will it make the sex better, but you’ll be more certain of it. [Read: 8 small ways to build a stronger emotional connection]
7. You respect each other
You can’t have sex with someone who doesn’t respect you. If you do, you’re not really respecting yourself. They need to treat you right. You both have to respect each other. If you don’t, things could get ugly.
8. You feel comfortable
You should never sleep with someone if you don’t feel comfortable with it. Ever. No matter the situation, you should both feel great about the idea of sleeping with each other. Any doubts or other feelings should stop you from moving forward, no matter how many dates it’s been. [Read: How to become sexually active & enjoy the experience when it’s time]
How many dates before sex? Go with your gut
If you’re happy to go for it, there should be no question of how many dates before sex in your mind. If you can tick the boxes above and the whole situation feels comfortable and right to you, that’s all you need to know. Don’t allow what other people think to cloud your judgment. It’s none of their business. Wait, don’t wait, simply do what’s right for you and your partner.
[Read: The dirty truth about losing your virginity no one told you]
So how many dates before sex? There really isn’t a solid answer because each person differs. The real question should be – are you ready for sex with this new person?
